My Own Two Feet
I’ve been at this personal evolution stuff for a very long time. Good thing, too, because I had a lot to work through. Far and away, the most challenging piece I’ve had to look at has been that victim thing.
Why am I aware?
I started my training at a very young age. I bought the message that the big ones had power not only over my physical being but over my emotional and mental bodies as well. I bought that I was less-than. I believed you when you told me I was stupid and ugly, and that you were better. I believed you when you told me that I would never amount to much, that there was nothing I could try at which I wouldn’t fail. I believed you when you told me that I deserved to be abused. Yes, I did.
How am I competent?
That my adults were abusive is on them. That I bought into the system is now on me. As a tiny child, I didn’t have a lot of choice in the matter. We learn from our adults; parents, relatives, neighbors, teachers, coaches, others in the community, even siblings who get it faster than we do.
What makes me confident?
Part of becoming an adult is working through our childhood mislearnings. In my case, the big one was my victim-hood. I have needed a lot of help to do that. Thing is, with one of those fundamental mislearnings, we often think that’s just the way things are, that’s just the way I am. We think that our mislearning is like air or water, fundamental to life. If I am not feeling pretty good most of the time, I am living with a fundamental mislearning. One way to tell I am in victim mode is when I feel fat and ugly and stupid.
How do I know I am strong?
For me, the first step was deciding that I could have a better life. I needed to accept that misery was a choice I could unchoose. I needed to decide that I was worth looking into my past fearlessly, knowing that everything that had happened to me had already happened to me. I had to trust that I deserved a decent life. Then I needed to find good teachers. I find it fascinating that the first teacher I went to for this was an abuser. I have had several of those since then, but I have also had brilliant, loving, teachers who really helped me.
Why am I grateful? How do I feel when I am grateful?
One of the best bits of advice I ever got was this: Abusers don’t single you out at first. They are abusive to everyone. They see who says, “Leave me alone!” and they do. They see who says, “Thank you, may I have another?” and they give another. If I have grown up with a victim mentality and don’t have anyone around to abuse me, I will often take care of it myself. A clue is when I am feeling fat and ugly and stupid and there is no one around but me. Self-talk is a great way to abuse ourselves. We can do it with worry or fear, with guilt or shame, with anger or even grief.
Why am I powerful?
As I reclaim my power, I reclaim my life. I start to use my superpower of choice to make decisions that improve my circumstances. I start to weed out the abusers, the mean ones, the indifferent ones, and I find myself more and more in the company of those who want my life to be happy and rich and fulfilling and support me in getting there.
How have I changed from buying into victim to standing on my own two feet?
(c) Pam Guthrie 2016 all rights reserved 07102016