Down With Martyrs, Up With Leaders
What on earth are we trying to prove? That we are right? Or worthy of love? Or simply that we are good enough?
So many of us do and do and do until we are weeping with exhaustion, depleted in our spirits, and hearts, and feeling like we still haven’t done enough.
Enough for what? Who are we trying to satisfy, or please, or prove something to? The parent who lives in our head? A third grade teacher who said something stupid and mean to us years ago? A cruel friend from the before times?
Are we trying to prove that we deserve to be here? Deserve our breath? Our life?
Oh, dear. We will never be able to prove that, not if we are coming from a place where we have to prove it.
In every life, one can find more to do than an army could get done. In every life are seeds waiting to sprout into a life that is full of joy, and occupation, and peace. The seeds are within us.
When we buy into mislearnings such as we are not good enough, or are wrong, or unworthy, we create strife and misery for ourselves. We strive so hard to prove that the mislearning is false, we don’t realize all we have
Unless you like being a victim of your own mind and misery. Okay, I know that was harsh, but we have to find a way to snap out of it. Being a martyr, a victim, is a choice, and we need to unchoose it if we are to have any peace.
Why am I good enough? How do I know I am good enough? How do I know I am inherently good enough? How do I know I am naturally good enough?
When I am unhappy, or depressed, when I feel overwhelmed or victimy, I am running old, bad habits. Since I am responsible for my well being, I need to stop running those old habits, and make new, positive ones. I have a whole arsenal of tools for doing that, and so do you, if you’ve been reading these contemplations for a while.
I need to decide that I will give up feeling like a martyr. That means giving up the secondary gains I get from it; feeling special, feeling important, feeling like I deserve special treatment, and feeling like you are to blame for my misery. I also have to give up the habit of feeling put upon, feeling indispensable, feeling overwhelmed. feeling exhausted.
That’s a lot to give up. I will need to grieve the death of my martyr. Several times, in all likelihood. Changing old habits like this can take some effort.
So, I need to commit to choosing to live my happy, natural life. And I need to practice choosing it over and over. I need to practice saying, “no,” and sticking to it. I need to practice choosing peace, I need to practice choosing to do the things I am doing, and unchoosing to consider them have-tos. I need to step out of the way, and let others step up, and screw up like I did when I was learning.
I need to quit my job as martyr and take on the job of leader.
How have I changed from feeling like it’s all on me, to choosing to be a strong leader?
(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 03312013