Felling my Fatal Flaw

Felling My Fatal Flaw

It is our first relationship, the first person we become aware of. This is the first person  whose feelings we notice, whose well being matters to us. This is often the first person we doubt. It brings up one of my favorite thinkin’ questions, “Who is the I that recognizes me?”

My most fundamental relationship is the one I have with myself. It is also far and away the most complicated one I have simply because I know so much about me. I often put the most negative emotional judgments on me, the harshest critic, the cruelest words. I say the nastiest, most cutting things to myself, and often I am not even paying attention when I do. It’s more of a stream of consciousness undercurrent that is undermining, undercutting, all under my radar.

Why would I like me? How could I treat me with kindness and respect? What makes me nice to me?

Liking ourselves is effortless at our core. We totally get it there. But as we think stuff, and observe stuff, we start mislearning, and we are usually the first victim of that mislearning. That first mislearning about ourselves will color everything for us. We call it “personal doubt” and it is wrong, no matter how certain we are that it is right.

Why am I good enough? Why am I right? Why am I acceptable? Why am I a contribution?

We often think of our personal doubt as our fatal flaw, that one horrible thing about us that makes us less than, or unlovable, or undeserving.

And it’s not true. We only think it’s true. And we react to that thought either by trying to prove it wrong, or by giving up to show that it’s right. If I believe that I am not good enough, I may bend over backwards to prove that I am. Overachieving in everything I do, as though I were striving for sainthood. Or I may say “phooey” and underachieve, getting in trouble, being mean. Or I may do one here, and the other there, and it’s all based on a wrong idea that we hold in certainty.

Maybe I feel like everything I do is wrong, or even that I am wrong for existing. Maybe I feel like I have no inherent value. Maybe I feel like I always hurt people. Chances are good that if I think about it a bit, I will notice what my personal doubt is.

When I find it, I can start using my good Creative Questions to loosen it up. If I feel like I always hurt people, I can try Creative Questions like, “How am I a contribution? Why do I help? What makes me considerate? How do I show my compassion?”

And it’s not about doing more. It’s not about work hard at it. It’s not about striving to be a contribution, a helper. We are these things naturally, effortlessly. By asking good Creative Questions, we are helping ourselves to our natural balance, our natural equilibrium. Like forgiving ourselves when we screw up, it’s hitting the reset button.

Giving myself permission to like me is, for some of us, all we need. We are battered by the media with ideas that we are lacking. I should be the way I see other people. When I give myself permission to like and accept me as I am right now, I can choose to like me. I am free.

How have I changed from owning a fatal flaw to liking me as I am?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07122014

I Heart Me

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There are so many things we can do to make our lives more fun and satisfying to live, little things that we change deep inside that will create big changes on the outside. Trust, forgiveness, compassion for ourselves, and each other, self-responsibility, just to name a few, are things that, as we practice them, make each day nicer and help us live our natural lives.

One of the biggies is self-love.

Why do I like me? How am I valuable? What makes me a gift?

When I begin to own my core self, my past, my gifts and talents, my experience, and appreciate them, things change. I relax. A lot. Because I practice forgiveness, I have accepted my past and let go. Because I trust, I use good Creative Questions during my day, and expect that I will see how things work out for me. Because I am compassionate, my interactions with others tend to go well. Because I am responsible for my own behavior and thoughts, I am strong and competent and capable.

Because I own my core self, I see things about me that I like. I feel respect for who I have become. I value my accomplishments. I appreciate my body as it is.

I love me.

This is not narcissism for one simple reason; the more I love me, the more I love you. This is about opening my heart to my life.

What a nice equation that is. Because I accept me as I am, because I flow with my life now, rather than fighting it, I can accept you as you are.

Because of these things, my life is already nicer, and way easier. Because I understand that I am the only one I can change, I put my efforts toward my growth. Because I understand that I can control my thoughts, and behavior, I stop trying to control the world. Now I have more energy for fun, more energy for tasks I find rewarding. And because you are no longer “my project,” I can relax and enjoy your company, or leave you alone, as I wish.

Why am I contented? What makes me satisfied? How am I joyful?

Loving myself doesn’t mean I never annoy me. It doesn’t mean I am always happy or always peaceful. Sometimes I am sad, or mad, or even scared. So I feel those feelings, and that means that I get back to peaceful faster. It means I can let go more quickly.

Loving myself doesn’t mean I never make mistakes, or screw up, or even sometimes hurt my loved ones, but it does mean I forgive and don’t harbor resentments toward either you or me. It means I look for the gift in my mistakes, and move on.

Loving myself doesn’t mean I stop growing. I understand that, while I am perfection in this moment, I have more to do, more to learn, more to accomplish. My life gets bigger, my relationships grow deeper and warmer, I have more fun, more satisfaction, more peace.

How have I changed from being my own worst critic to loving who I have become?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 06242014

Stop the Dissing

Stop the Dissing

Why does liking myself matter? What difference does it make?

We’ve been talking a bit lately about the differences between clenched and relaxed.

When my body is clenched, I often have discomfort of varying degrees. My muscles might be tight. I might be holding my joints awkwardly, and my gait might be off, locked ankles, or knees, or hips, or feet or knees turned in or out,  causing long-term dysfunction. When my body is clenched, I could be causing myself systemic symptoms; digestion, circulation, lymphatic, nerves.

When my thoughts are clenched, I’m usually stuck in a bad thought loop where I can’t seem to stop myself thinking about something awful. This can be fretting about someone, or imagining horrible scenarios, negative fantasies of all sorts. It can be replaying a bad scene we’ve already lived through. It can be running our helpless and hopeless tapes in our heads until we can hardly move.

When my feelings are clenched, I’m stuck in anger, or fear, or grief, usually. I know I’m stuck when I feel like I am always pissed off, or scared, or crying a lot.

Sometimes my actions are clenched, when I get stuck in repeating a bad habit that hurts me. This can be a habit of action or inaction, of consumption, or movement, or lack thereof. It can be a habit of procrastination, or of

When I don’t like me, I am clenched. When I don’t like me, I never get a break from that clench, and that’s exhausting. It can wreak havoc on my sleep, and damage my relationships. I am usually very lonely, with a black hole inside.

When I don’t like me, I am practicing negative moral or emotional judgments. These will always have a nasty impact on me, and often on others as well. We have the gift of judgment, and when we refine that gift, we have a superpower. We use our judgment all the time to make good decisions about stuff, to decide what we want, how we want to direct the course of our lives.

When it comes to me, I am often hyper-judgmental, and then I say horribly cruel and shaming things to myself, things I most likely would never say to another person.  I get into the habit of verbally abusing myself, and can do it without even thinking about it. I will end up making strange decisions that are often not very good, since I am always feeling less than, I may be weird to you, or do wacky things to try to compensate.

Why can I choose? Why would I like me? How do I want to be with me?

Since I am with me all the time, I may as well choose to like me. When I connect with me, the black hole of loneliness vanishes. When I cease the constant self-trash-talk, I have room to find things I like about me.

I also know that you are amazing. You have your special gifts, your special ways, that make you interesting, and valuable. You have your good heart, your wisdom, your creativity, and desire to grow, all of which make you exceptional. The more you like you, the easier it is for us to connect, and that’s wonderful.

How have I changed from dissing me to feeling proud that I am who I am?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 06022014

How Do I Love Me?

How Do I Love Me?

Many of us go through phases of loving ourselves, and then loathing ourselves. The first one is nice and easy. The second one is awful, and a very convincing lie.

We go to self-loathing when we buy into bad PR about us. We tend to learn how to do this as little children. We may be hearing information from our loved ones about how bad we are, or   we may see our adults hating themselves, and learn that behavior by observation. However it goes, we are buying into a really bad mislearning.

We are not loathsome.

Self-hate is a lot like depression. Depression is amazing in that  it convinces us that we have always been depressed. Self-hate does the same kind of thing. It makes us think that when we haven’t hated ourselves we were wrong.

Dang.

I go there way less than I used to. And I tend to go there when I am not taking care of myself.

Why do I like me? What makes me good company? How am I my own best friend?

The self-loathing loop is insidious. Getting back to the start will help, but this is a loop that we have played so many times that it doesn’t need any help.  

I need to decide to change it, to make things better for me. I need to start noticing when I’m saying rotten things to myself. I often can’t hear these thoughts, so I need to go by the feeling. For me, it’s like my heart gets wrapped in smelly, wet, moldy towels. As soon as I catch that feeling starting, I start asking good Creative Questions.

Why am I valuable? What makes me deserving? Why do I like me?

Creative Questions work on our unconscious mind. When we find the right question for us at the time, we will often get a “tell,” that is, a physical response. Maybe a sudden intake of breath, or tears, or a tingle. Sometimes, I get a tightening of the muscles behind my ears. That’s a good question to practice with.

Sometimes I get a “no!” response inside. That let’s me know I’ve hit a belief. I can work around it by using the words “would” and “could.” Why could I like me? When we add those words in, we bypass the objection, and let the question get in where it will do some good.

When I want to punch up a good question like, Why do I like me? I can add the word “else.” Why else do I like me?

And have you noticed that Creative Questions are all in the present tense? Our unconscious mind isn’t very time-conscious, it’s pretty much all now for that part of us, so phrasing our questions in the present moment is another way to get them in deep.

Practicing our good questions will help loosen up those old, awful tapes so we can get rid of them.

How have I changed from not liking me to feeling proud of who I am?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 05132014

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Ms Yahbut Go Home

Ms Yahbut Go Home

When I was a little kid, my dad would tease us about the two other little girls who lived in our house (we were four little girls, and no boys.) The imaginary girls’ names were Yahbut and Yahshedidtoo. Nowadays, I think Yahshedidtoo has moved out, but Yahbut is still here. I think you know her too.

Yahbut is annoying. She interrupts when we are trying to receive nice compliments. She throws in her two cents worth when we start feeling proud of ourselves. We begin to treat ourselves with respect and she is right there shouting, “Wait a minute! Before you do anything rash, listen to this!” And the next thing you know, she’s whispering in our ear all the things she thinks we should be feeling ashamed of, or guilty about, how disgusting we are, or corrupt, or just plain old bad.

Oh, Yahbut, when will you move away to live with your sister and leave me alone! How about today?

Yahbut is a bad thought loop that gets triggered by our nice feelings about ourselves. How sad is that. It goes on and on about how much we suck. About how selfish, or thoughtless, or cruel, or lazy, or sinful, or, or, or.

Feeling like that isn’t very useful except to keep us down, keep our light from shining, keep us from sharing our gifts. Yahbut isn’t very nice.

Imagine how you would feel if you heard someone speaking to a loved one the way you talk to yourself. And yet, we say horrible things to ourselves all the time. Critical of just about everything from our appearance all the way to our spirit.

We want to stop that, because as grownups we know it’s not in our best interest to beat ourselves up. It squelches motivation, it curtails positive action, it breaks our hearts.

Why am I good enough? Why am I right? Why am I respectable? Why would I like me?

Breaking ourselves of the habit of trash-talking ourselves takes some attention. When we are paid a compliment, we now say “Thank you” and shut up. We don’t dismiss it, we don’t mitigate it, we don’t ignore it. When we start to diss ourselves after we’ve accomplished something, we stop, pause, and notice our accomplishment, own it, and let ourselves feel some pride. We don’t just move on to the next thing.

When we notice that we are talking smack about ourselves, we start asking our good Creative Questions. When we notice that we suddenly feel bad, we assume that our unconscious mind is talking smack, and we start asking good Creative Questions. We check our posture, and our breathing. We notice our facial expression, and sit up straight, breath deeply, and smile from the heart.

How am I enough? Why am I brilliant? What makes me so creative? Why do I engage? Why do I like myself?

When I don’t like me, I often surround me with people who support me in feeling like that. As I like me more and more, I find that I am surrounded with people who support me in feeling like that. What a nice improvement.

How have I changed from treating myself badly to valuing my own friendship?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 02212014

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Relaxing the Bee

Relaxing the Bee

You are so great. You are smart, and brilliant, and wise. You are creative, talented, and skilled. You are kind, and compassionate, and loving. I see that in you.  I like that in you.

Do you?

Have you taken the time to get to know the single most important person in your life? The one person you can really get to know all the way through? It’s worth the effort. It’s worth the time.

Or are you busy. So much to do at work, so much to do at home. Family is just go, go, go. A few hours of sleep, and you are back at it again, barely able even to tell when you are hungry or tired or how you feel about things.

Too busy to think, too busy to breathe, certainly too busy to take some time to know yourself.

That kind of busy lets us know we’ve got something going on. Perhaps we have the idea somewhere that a job is more important than we. Perhaps we have shut down enough that we are running at breakneck speeds on autopilot. Perhaps we are running away from something, in our lives, in ourselves.

You deserve better than that, my dear one. You deserve a life of satisfaction, and presence, of enjoyment, and intimacy, and significance. You deserve to take care of you, of your family, of your loved ones, not just tending to their needs.

You can have a thousand thousand tasks to do, and not be busy. You can have six things to do and be busier than a bee at a flower show.

The difference is all inside you. But you knew that, right?  

When we are sitting at a computer all day, we know we need to take little breaks for our bodies, to get up and stretch, to take a short, brisk walk, to drink some water, in short , to refresh our physical bodies.

Likewise, when we are busy in our minds, we need to take little breaks from that kind of thinking, and refresh our minds. We can use our body-break time, to notice where our feet are, to feel them, to feel our bottom nestled in the chair. To ask ourselves, “How do I feel right now?”  To ask ourselves, “What do I want? What do I like? Is this what I choose to be doing?”

When I remember to slow down inside, to calm my thoughts, to pacify my heart, I seem to get as much done, but without needing the extra energy. When my co-workers are all cranked up, staying soft and quiet will often help them get quiet. With the extra room in my head and energy in my body, I have time to notice where I’m at, and to consider if it’s where I want to be.

Over and over, I find that one of the keys to living a satisfying day is remembering to relax. When I relax my body, my energy can flow. When I relax my feelings, my emotions can flow. When I relax my mind, my thoughts can flow. When I am relaxed, my life can flow. When everything is flowing, it’s easy to like myself.

How have I change from harping on or ignoring me to enjoying my relationship with me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11162013

Love Me True

Love Me True

Back in the dark ages, I had a feeling that people were holding out on me. That there were secrets, arcane bits of knowledge, esoteric rites that you knew, and that I knew nothing about.

Turned out I was right.

Uncovering those secrets is what I do, Pamiana Jones of the Happy Life. And then I share them with you because I love you. Living a life of joy, ease, and peace is simple, if you know the secrets.

Be warned, just like the best magic tricks, once we see what they are, we tend to go d’uh.

The most profound secret of all, the one that will start everything moving toward a most beautiful life is this. Drum roll, please.

Like yourself.

I told you that you would go d’uh.

So often we spend a chunk of our waking hours running tapes in our head that offer the basic message of “I suck.” There are, of course, a thousand thousand variations on that theme, and each of us has our favorites.

“I suck” are magic words. They create a giant bubble of yuck around us, where people are disrespectful to us. They create a life of missed opportunity, of scant motivation, failed dreams and relationships. They create feelings of anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, and, well, you know. We’ve both lived it.

Why do I like myself?  How could I like myself? Why would I like myself?

Here is another secret:  While we often can’t choose whom we are going to love, we, many of us, anyway, have to choose to love ourselves. What an interesting thing that is.

What it means is that we have to decide that we are okay as we are. That we are lovable in this very moment. That we can accept ourselves all the way through.

“I’m okay” are magic words. They create a life we enjoy, where people treat us reasonably, where we feel loved and accepted. They create a life where we find opportunities, and have the juice to accept them. They create a life where we take care of ourselves so that we can help each other lives happier lives.

Asking our good Creative Questions everyday will go a long way to helping us come to love and appreciate ourselves. Why am I lovable? How do I recognize my value? What makes me see my good qualities?

The more I ask my good Questions, the deeper they go in, the weaker the bad ones become, until they just fade away.

Each of us deserves to be loved by the person closest to us, ourselves. Why do I choose to love me?

How have I changed from being disgusted and annoyed by me to valuing my own friendship?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 11092013

My Best Friend

My Best Friend

Relationships are such interesting things. No matter whether we are with anyone, we are always in at least one relationship.

What’s that you say? At least one?

I am always in a relationship with myself. And this can be the most interesting relationship of all.

On the one hand, I’m stuck with me. I will never leave me, and so I can try things in my relationship with me that I might be hesitant to try with you.

For example. In my relationship with me, I strive for no secrets. I have a thing about secrets. My own, not yours. I will keep yours, but I don’t want any of my own. They are costly, keeping them, like paying  and paying and paying a monthly subscription for something you never use. My goal is to make sure that for each of my secrets, I’ve acknowledged it to myself, and to at least one other person. Sometimes, my secrets are little and dumb, sometimes they are big and dark, but as long as someone else knows, I am not having to carry their weight. I like that.

One of my top, long term goals is to have my emotional basement clear of old traumas, betrayals, regrets, and secrets. Clean. I don’t know if that’s even doable, but there you have it. It’s been my experience in life that each time I clear out an old emo issue, my life gets that much nicer, my daily stuff gets nicer, and I feel lighter. I like that.

In my relationship with me, I practice noticing how I’m talking to myself. I know that sounds weird, and we joke about people who talk to themselves being crazy. At the same time, we all do it, either inside our heads, or out loud.

Am I speaking to myself in a respectful manner, or harshly? Am I talking to myself from a place of love, or am I being a jerk? Am I being truthful with myself, or am I overstating, or understating, being defensive, or blaming, or some other awkward emotional manner of speech?

It seems, for many of us, that we speak to ourselves with more negative emotional judgment than we would for anyone else, even when it seems like we are pretty judgmental with each other.

When I practice being respectful with myself, I make it easier to be respectful with you. When I notice how I speak to me, and apologize, then change what I’m saying, I am setting a precedent.

I don’t particularly like to make amends, and I find it easier to be clean in the beginning than after the fact, and making that a habit in talking to myself makes it easier. I’m all for easier.

I do have to pay attention, though. I have to be aware of how I am talking to me, and to you. I need to be present in my self in order for that to happen.

Being someone I can count on is nice. Being someone I trust to take care of me is nice. Being someone I like and respect is nice. I like to look in the mirror and see a person whom I think well of.

How have I changed from not liking me very much to feeling good about myself?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 10142013

Hopping on the Proud Cloud

Hopping on the Proud Cloud

One thing I like to do that really helps as I grow up is to look back and see where I’ve come from. Twelve Step groups use this technique and call it “Telling Your Story.” Sometimes, when we are moving through a rough patch, it can feel like we’ve made no progress at all ever, and it’s always been like this. Looking back can really help.

These days, I feel pretty great most of the time. It seems miraculous to me, but it’s really just the predictable result from the work I’ve done. There have been times when my home was plastered with reminders on sticky notes, Creative Questions cards tucked everywhere, rubber bands on my wrist.

I sought out teachers, always finding the perfect teacher at the perfect time. Sometimes it took a few tries, but then they would be fantastic, and I would emerge from their tutelage happier and wiser.

I didn’t always like it, what they wanted me to try. I didn’t always do it. Sometimes I was a little bit kicky and screamy about it. But the bottom line was this.

I wanted to be happy. I didn’t know what that even meant, but I wanted it. I thought it was the opposite of suffering, self-loathing, and self-abuse, if I thought about it at all. But I felt like I would do almost anything to get there.

We get so good at pretending that things are alright, that we are alright, that our relationships and work and families are alright. It takes a ton of energy to pretend that. We talk a good game, and people may suspect, but they don’t know for sure how bad it is.

Why do we keep it a secret? (That is a bad creative question, just for the record.)

Sometimes we feel ashamed, or scared. We think it’s no one else’s business. Sometimes we tell ourselves that everything is fine, and we choose to believe it even though we are in a bad situation. We convince ourselves that everything is normal and fine.

And we hate ourselves. Or at least act like we hate ourselves. Or we try to act like we don’t hate ourselves, and end up feeling like we are going crazy. And going crazy seems kind of attractive, especially if it means a few weeks in a hospital being taken care of by someone who is nice to us.

We don’t want anyone to know what it’s really like, and so we pull back a little, or push harder, and either way people end up not wanting to be around us very much. And that seems kind of good because then there aren’t as many people to convince that things are okay.

And then we decide we’ve had enough. And we get help. There are so many people, and agencies, and services, and healing modalities, that want you to be happy and healthy, that want to help you climb out of that smelly pit of your life and back into the fresh air and sunshine. Why do I choose to be happy? What makes me choose to take care of me? How do I make room for joy in my life?

When I take this step, when I seriously address the crap in my life with a competent, trustworthy helper, things get better. I can take better care of me, and of you, and all the yous that matter to me.

How have I changed from wanting to hide to being proud of myself?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved. 09302013

Ways to Be My Own Best Friend

Ways to Be My Own Best Friend

I bet you’ve noticed that we have a number of recurring themes in this space. One of them is the whole idea of filters. Other ways we talk about it out in the world are the Law of Attraction, or like begets like. The simple idea is that we get what we ask for, even if we don’t recognize that we are asking for it.

It’s a sneaky thing. Sometimes what we are getting is horrible, and why in the name of all that is holy would we ask for that? And we get mad as heck and say it’s a lie, but it keeps on happening.

What would it mean if it were true, that we get what we ask for and we are somehow asking for crap?

What would it mean if the rotten stuff that keeps on happening is happening because it is a pattern for us?

What would it mean if the icky, uncomfortable places we keep finding ourselves came from inside ourselves?

When I finally got this, I was so happy. If I am causing my misery, out of habit, or horrible patterns, and it’s not fate or some pre-ordained awfulness, then I can change it. Hallelujah! I can really be a good friend to myself.

This is the genesis of freedom. What makes me my own best friend? What makes me take me seriously? How do I know I am responsible for my stuff? How can I help me?

When I own that I am the creator of my life, I have the power to root out my unconscious thoughts, habits, and patterns that are creating a life that is hard to live. Why do I choose to know all of who I am?

When I own that I am the creator of my life, I can bring my dank and sticky emo junk into the light, and clear it out. Why do I let go?

When I own that I am the creator of my life, I can create a fecund space for my beautiful dreams to realize, and my nightmares to shrivel into nothingness. How do I get what I want?

One of my most beloved teachers said to me at least a thousand times, “You do know.”

I really hated it, because on the one hand, she was right, and on the other hand, sometimes I was resisting knowing so much that I couldn’t get there.

Using Creative Questions really helps me when I encounter my resistance places. Do you wanna know how?

First, I identify the Creative Question that I am feeling resistance to. I write that question down. For example, let’s say that I’m having resistance to the question, “Why is it so easy?”

When I ask the question, I think, “NO!” so I write that down next to the question, and on a new line I write the question again, and my response again, until I start getting neutral, and then positive responses.

Sometimes, I will use a drill-down technique, that is, when I ask, “Why is it so easy?” and get a “no,” then I ask “Why could it be so easy?” If I get a response like “it’s not, it’s hard.” Then I will ask, “Why is it hard?” Because life is hard. Why is life hard? Because I am bad. Why am I bad? Because I hurt my mom when she gave birth to me.

Now I have something to work with, something to clean up, and I can dump the guilt, and feeling like I’m not good enough, and like I always hurt people.

How have I changed from getting what my unconscious mind wants to getting what I want?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 09252013