All Together Now

All Together Now

Ooo, lots of relationship stuff coming up in the cards lately. Today we got, “Why am I wanted?”

Being wanted. That’s a passive construction relying on someone else for it’s fulfillment. Slippery.

Engagement, connection, relationships, trust.

Things are pretty interesting when we are just looking inside ourselves, but, boy howdy!, when we add our loved ones, co-workers, and other colleagues, not to mention the folks we barely know,  into the mix, stuff goes right into fascinating, if we can take a step back and look at it with a dash of objectivity.

How do I know I am accepted?

Feeling a part of a community is a fundamental aspect of being a person. Since inside our heads we are all solitary, having places where we feel comfortable, understood, accepted, and loved goes a long way to helping us feel connected and engaged.

At the same time, you can be as engaging as all get out. You can want me to feel connected to you. You can accept me unconditionally, but if I don’t feel it, it doesn't matter. See how interesting this stuff gets?

And we have those communities where we have mixed feelings about belonging, like cliques in high school, where we want to belong, but we also may have misgivings about the behavior or ethics of the group. Big, shiny, dilemma horns right there.

What makes me feel included?

That’s kind of the point for each of us. How do I feel when I feel included? How do I feel when I am noticed?

And then there is negative attention. Oy. How many of us resort to negative attention, just so we feel noticed.

One wacky thing that some of us learn really well is that any attention is better than no attention. Another way to put it is at least, when we get in trouble, someone is paying attention to us. And, of course, grownups don’t much go for negative attention.

So, here we go, back to being responsible for ourselves. How do I feel when I feel wanted? Why am I wanted? Why would I choose to have positive attention? Why do I evaluate my groups for support in how I want to be?

When we are in groups that have behaviors we don’t want to take on, we can choose not to participate. We can consider leaving the group, too. Why do I have integrity? What makes me honorable? All our choices have consequences. I would rather feel good about them.

How have I changed from feeling disconnected to feeling wanted?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01142014