Drama Queen Abdicates!

Drama Queen Abdicates!

Back in the dark ages I was churned up most of the time. For example, I thought I liked drama. I was so shut down emotionally that I couldn’t feel my normal feelings. It was only when things went to big that I could really feel anything. So I made a lot of drama. Misery is good for that. Crises are good for that. Rage and shame are good for that. On the other hand, I wanted peaceful desperately.

Why would I choose peaceful? How could I choose peaceful? What makes me choose to feel my feelings?

Back then when I thought about someone being at peace, I thought of a saffron-robed monk sitting alone on the top of a mountain with his eyes closed to the world. Boring! My grandfather was reported to have said during a conversation about yogis who lived in caves, “Anyone can feel peaceful living in a cave. I’d like to see them pull it off out in the real world.”

Well, Grandfather, I would like you to know that it is not only possible, I’m doing it.

Choosing to feel peaceful rather than going to all the cranked up choices we have takes some dedication. We are deluged every day with opportunities to go to drama, from the news media to contending with traffic, from daily frustrations to the big stuff that can come into our lives. We are encouraged to go to drama by watching people misbehave in movies, on TV, in the stores we visit to run our errands, in our families of origin. We come to believe that yielding to anger is normal, that freaking out in a crisis is normal, that little blow-ups are par for this course. Oh, yes, we do.

What makes me allow my life to unfold? How do I stay relaxed? What makes me calm?

I had to practice many times every day to unchoose this mislearned love of drama. I could recite my litany of ills and wrongs, of pain and stressors, of betrayals and losses big and small, and would. I would run them through my head rehearsing how awful my life was, and then use all that bolstered up misery to justify a whole lot of bad behavior from incessant complaining to drugs and alcohol, to rage attacks with yelling and, oh, so much drama. Letting off steam, I called it, never mindful of the fact that I had made all that steam myself.

As I unchose drama, I had to pay attention to my thoughts. I had to notice when I started to run my litany of suffering. And then I had to choose to stop it. It took some practice to start running a list of gratitude instead. It took some practice to start to notice how full of blessings and wonders my life is. It took practice to stop comparing my life to the lives of others who seemed like they had it better, or easier, or softer. Each moment of noticing, each moment of choosing to look at the good in my life, brought me closer to being able to choose peaceful.

As I unchose drama, I began to make better decisions. I chose calmer people to be around. I chose people who wanted to be happy and peaceful, and I even found people who were happy and peaceful. I watched them. I learned from them. I began a meditation practice, granted it was ten seconds at a time to start, but I started. I worked through old traumas, let go of old hurts, practiced allowing my life to unfold as perfect in this moment. I let harbored resentment sail away, I forgave. Every moment of practice was worth it.

How have I changed from loving drama to embracing serenity and peace?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 05252015