Sunday, January 18, 2015

I Feel Good

I Feel Good

The card I pulled today is the Why am I healthy?¨ card. I think it’s very fitting because I just finished my last round of chemo infusions and am starting my last round of chemo pills, the Jewels of Radiant Health.

I have had a lot of interesting experiences going through this crazy process, and have learned a lot of new skills, many of which I hope not to need again. The most important lesson for me has been this:  Paying attention to what feels good is better for me than paying attention to what feels bad.

Why do I enjoy radiant health? What makes me choose to be well? How to I stay positive?

Why do I enjoy radiant health? That is a question I have asked all the way through this experience. Mostly, I am radiantly healthy. I pay more attention to that than I do to the parts that don’t feel as well.

On the other hand, I do pay attention to how my body feels.This awareness saved my life. I could tell I needed help which led to emergency surgery and chemo. Good for me! I have a choice, though, whether to pay attention to what feels good, to my progress, to what I can do to feel good. I have a choice how to spend my time and my energy. I get to notice when I am approaching ¨the wall¨ so I don’t have to ¨hit¨ it. I get to notice when the numbness and tingling in my feet says, ¨Pay attention to placing me safely.” This has meant that I can run short distances. That makes me so happy! And my inner 6 year old is delighted. She loves to run. I get to notice when the numbness in my hands means pay attention to what I am holding, where I am placing my hands.

Yesterday, I was so excited for my last chemo I didn’t notice that I had bumped my hand on the coffee pot burner. When I did notice,  I used my qi gong tools to heal that burn, to bring down the little blister, and to remove all the discomfort. I have lots of tools like that. Today, the burn is barely visible.

One of those tools is the application of judgment. When I judge a sensation as bad, it gets bigger, stronger, and it takes up more of my attention, so I feed it more and the next thing you know is that little burn/numbness/cramp is huge, and I feel terrible. What we think about, we feed.

I have been speaking about secondary gains, and they are really important to understand. It is one of the mechanisms our ego system uses to keep us where we are.

Secondary gains are the ¨nice¨ things that happen because we stay stuck in our bad place. I may feel like I don’t deserve to be taken care of unless I am in bad shape. I may feel like I don’t deserve help unless I simply can’t take care of me. I may feel like I only deserve good things if I pay for them in bad circumstances.

Letting go of secondary gains takes courage and trust. It’s a classic leap of faith. A leap of faith is that moment when we really change our thinking and allow for a new reality. I get goosebumps thinking about it!

How have I change from focusing on what’s wrong with me to appreciating what is right with me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 01152015