I Feel Good

I Feel Good

The card I pulled today is the Why am I healthy?¨ card. I think it’s very fitting because I just finished my last round of chemo infusions and am starting my last round of chemo pills, the Jewels of Radiant Health.

I have had a lot of interesting experiences going through this crazy process, and have learned a lot of new skills, many of which I hope not to need again. The most important lesson for me has been this:  Paying attention to what feels good is better for me than paying attention to what feels bad.

Why do I enjoy radiant health? What makes me choose to be well? How to I stay positive?

Why do I enjoy radiant health? That is a question I have asked all the way through this experience. Mostly, I am radiantly healthy. I pay more attention to that than I do to the parts that don’t feel as well.

On the other hand, I do pay attention to how my body feels.This awareness saved my life. I could tell I needed help which led to emergency surgery and chemo. Good for me! I have a choice, though, whether to pay attention to what feels good, to my progress, to what I can do to feel good. I have a choice how to spend my time and my energy. I get to notice when I am approaching ¨the wall¨ so I don’t have to ¨hit¨ it. I get to notice when the numbness and tingling in my feet says, ¨Pay attention to placing me safely.” This has meant that I can run short distances. That makes me so happy! And my inner 6 year old is delighted. She loves to run. I get to notice when the numbness in my hands means pay attention to what I am holding, where I am placing my hands.

Yesterday, I was so excited for my last chemo I didn’t notice that I had bumped my hand on the coffee pot burner. When I did notice,  I used my qi gong tools to heal that burn, to bring down the little blister, and to remove all the discomfort. I have lots of tools like that. Today, the burn is barely visible.

One of those tools is the application of judgment. When I judge a sensation as bad, it gets bigger, stronger, and it takes up more of my attention, so I feed it more and the next thing you know is that little burn/numbness/cramp is huge, and I feel terrible. What we think about, we feed.

I have been speaking about secondary gains, and they are really important to understand. It is one of the mechanisms our ego system uses to keep us where we are.

Secondary gains are the ¨nice¨ things that happen because we stay stuck in our bad place. I may feel like I don’t deserve to be taken care of unless I am in bad shape. I may feel like I don’t deserve help unless I simply can’t take care of me. I may feel like I only deserve good things if I pay for them in bad circumstances.

Letting go of secondary gains takes courage and trust. It’s a classic leap of faith. A leap of faith is that moment when we really change our thinking and allow for a new reality. I get goosebumps thinking about it!

How have I change from focusing on what’s wrong with me to appreciating what is right with me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 01152015

Call Me Good Enough

Call Me Good Enough

The last few months have been very interesting for me. Learning to work with Edgar, my ostomy, learning to work around chemo, learning to prioritize ferociously, learning to respond to the physical needs of my body, and taking care of my spirit, each of these has been a course in amazing.

Why am I competent? Why am I strong? What makes me capable?

The card I got today is the “Why am I good enough?” card. I realized that through all the unusual events of late I have never asked the question, “Why me?”

When I choose to believe that I am good enough, I can go with the flow. When I go with the flow, I can let go feeling like a victim. “Why me?” and “How did this happen to me?” aren’t useful questions in these circumstances..

When I choose to believe that I am good enough, I can ask for help easily. I can find the joy in each day because I don’t feel like my physical discomfort gets in the way of my spirit. I can do what I can do, and let the rest go for today, and call it good enough.

When I choose to believe that I am good enough, I can feel physically crappy, and emotionally happy because I don’t need to put judgments on my physical sensations.

Huh. That one blew me away.

I mislearned that if I feel physically bad, I have to sound like it. I have to put a certain painful twang into my voice so you know how martyred I am by my body. Why is that? Won’t you believe me if I don’t sound like I’m suffering? Maybe I won’t believe me if I don’t sound like I’m suffering. What I do know is that I am supporting me in feeling bad when I put on that voice.

Is that what I want?

Sometimes we support ourselves in things that make us feel bad because we get something else out of it. This “else” is called secondary gains, and, oh, that one was a bite of bitter for me. Like choosing to be in abusive relationships so you would want to rescue me. Or choosing to feel sick so I could stay home from my bad jobs.Or choosing to be incompetent so you would take care of me.  Or staying poor so I could feel noble. I’m serious! Oy!

How do I know I am good enough? Why am I worthy? What makes me feel clear?

Choosing to feel good enough, choosing to like me and accept me as I am gives me so much freedom.

Does that sound funny to you, choosing to feel good enough? It’s a choice we make, mostly unconsciously, all day long. Or not. It’s a choice, like what cereal to have for breakfast, or whether to acknowledge the nasty email from the ex.

How have I changed from supporting my feeling-bad self to choosing to feel good enough?

© Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 12092014

Whatcha Doin’?

Whatcha Doin’?

I am going to lay a hard truth on you. If you want to leave now, I will understand, and I will not take it personally.

We are, each of us, living the  life of our choosing.

Ow ow ow! Stop throwing stuff at me! Let me explain!

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what  we truly are, far more than our abilities."  - Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

When we are living a life of strife, of drama, and suffering, and hardship, we are most likely choosing it unconsciously. We are not at fault here. We are not to blame.

Why can I choose? Why am I strong? Why am I competent? Why am I capable? What makes me proud of myself?

We may want to ask ourselves why we are choosing it. We may want to notice if there are elements that we like. Perhaps we find the drama fun, for all it’s high cost. Perhaps we kind of enjoy thinking that people feeling sorry for us. Perhaps the suffering feels like we deserve it as punishment for something. Perhaps the physical pain helps balance out our emotional pain. Not that those are ever my elements, you understand. I, uh, read about ‘em in a book.

When we like icky elements like that, we usually have something happening under the surface that we do like. We call it “secondary gains,” and discovering what those secondary gains are will make a huge difference for us for the simple reason that we can shift their vibrations up higher, and get our needs met without the ick.

For example, the secondary gain was attention: I would rather people find me an inspiration that feel sorry for me. The secondary gain was an emo charge: I would rather enjoy low cost weather drama than high cost emotional drama. The secondary gain was a sense of justice: I would rather address my sense of guilt, and make amends, than punish myself.The secondary gain was feeling internal stability:  I would rather work through my emotional pain than cut, or have migraines, digestive issues, suicidal thoughts, and so on.

I know that this takes a lot of courage, just so you know, to look ourselves full in the face. We deserve the respect we show ourselves to clean up our act. We don’t always have to go all the way back to the inception of the mislearning, although that is certainly the most efficient way, but we do want to pay enough attention to ourselves to see our patterns and start to bust ‘em up, and feel the feelings as they come up. There are a thousand thousand ways to do this, we just need to try them on until we find the ones that work best for us.

And we need to pay attention to the Creative Questions we are asking. I get the results I ask for, so identifying the bad questions, and changing them to good ones, will help me a lot.

How have I changed from living a life I don’t like to loving the life I live?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04182014

I know this is a big one. Take a deep breath, remember it's not your fault, just your responsibility. 
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To Be Our Best Selves

To Be Our Best Selves

All of us like to feel supportive of our loved ones. We want to help them achieve their dreams, heal their wounds, soothe their sorrows. We want to bring them joy, make things easier, keep stuff simple for them.

Or do we?

I was astonished and kind of horrified when I realized that I was supporting you in bad behaviors, supporting you in being miserable, in suffering, in stuff that was full of bad vibes. I would commiserate with you about how awful so-and-so was, about how bad the job was, about how terrible the world was.

I had friendships where that’s what we did, bitch and moan. Misery buddies. Flying directly in the face of what I had sworn I wanted, to be happy. Why on earth would I do that?

And that’s the rub:  Bitching is fun. Saying rotten things about other people is fun. Sharing a whinge with your pal is a bonding thing. Sigh. It’s fun, but it doesn’t move us forward, it just holds us back. Low vibration stuff.

How have I changed from bad-mouthing you to truly supporting you?

I had a friend who said, “You can complain about the same thing three times without doing anything about it. After that, I don’t wanna hear about it unless you are changing it.” Back when she said that to me, I was crushed. Wasn’t she there to hear my woes? Well, no, she was there to support me in being my best self. Woeful is not my best self.

How have I changed from rehearsing the crap to seeking out the good?

When we support each other in a victim stance, we sure are not supporting our best selves. I am not a victim of life’s circumstances, unless I choose to be. We are not victims of our bodies, our abusers, our jobs, our food choices, our exercise programs, or our children or parents needs unless we choose to be. This is a great big steaming pile of important right here. Blaming each other, or parts of ourselves, or our past, for our emo crap is low vibration stuff, too. Right up there with bitchin’. Or should I say, down there.

I need to own my part of what I’m doing, and let it go. I may have all kinds and sorts of chronic stuff; body stuff, behavior patterns, bad habits; and maybe these things feel like they are getting in my way. Am I addressing the topic? Am I getting help if I need help? If I’ve tried ten things and failed, am I seeking out the eleventh? Conversely, if I feel loathe to give up X, my bad habit, my bad pattern, my bad stomach stuff, is there a secondary gain I’m getting from it? Does it mean I can avoid doing things I don’t wanna do? Does it mean I can say “no” to things and feel less guilty or selfish? Does it mean I can beat myself up and prove I’m no good? Yeah, secondary gains are sneaky.

When I unchoose bitching and victim-ing and martyr-ing and sucking, I can start to be truly supportive of your amazing self. I can model better behavior, I can listen deeply, and hear what you are saying underneath, I can help you find solutions, and resolutions. I have easy access to compassion. I can comfort effortlessly.

How have I changed from supporting you in low vibration stuff to supporting you to be your best self?

(c) 2014 Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 02112014

Secondary Gains

Secondary Gains

We are so interesting, us people. Because each of us is unique, we have endless differences and similarities to explore. Some of those are wonderful, some are tragic, or scary, or fill us with love and comfort.

We are all human. That’s the bottom line.

I recently learned that one of my communities is behaving poorly, and others are noticing. Got me thinking, like stuff does.

Not Creative Questions, but good questions, nonetheless: What kind of example am I setting? What roles am I modeling? When I am behaving badly, what do I get out of it?

Yeah, I don’t much like that last one, either, but since I am committed to knowing myself, I have to look at that stuff.

Secondary gains. That’s what we get when we are misbehaving and know we shouldn’t. It can be challenging and embarrassing to look that clearly at ourselves, but it is also the only way I know of to shed those behaviors.

Most of us like to feel celebrated, like to feel honored. We like to feel proud of ourselves, and that we are a contribution to our communities, from our families to our countries and world. Sometimes, we feel arrogant; better, smarter, more worthy, or deserving. Sometimes we feel the opposite; worse, dumber, less worthy in a weird and punishing way. Neither one feels good.

How do I know I am good enough? What makes me respect myself? Why do I choose to know me? How do I know I am safe to know me?

When I encounter one of those times, being better or less than you, I need to stop. I need to regroup. I usually need to relax something, my body, my feelings, or a notion I have.

When I find myself indulging in one of those behaviors that feel shamefully fun, I try to take a step back, and at the very least, stop. It can often feel really fun at the time, but then I feel bad after. It’s often not worth it to me in the long run.

Secondary gains are interesting. It may be the case that we feel relief from built up, inside psychic or emotional pressure. It may be the case that we feel connected by doing the same things as our friends. It may be the case that we feel elevated, or better than. It may be the case that we feel included, or noble, or self-sacrificing. We each have our own, special list.

Since I want to grow up, I have these topics to address. I will notice when I feel guilty. Is there something I need to do, or do I simply need to let it go? I will notice when I am worrying. Is there something I need to do, or do I just let it go? I will notice when I am doing something that brings secondary gains, and I will stop, and shift my behavior.

I believe that when I learn the lesson, the situation will change automatically. It’s all for me. From your POV, it’s all for you, the Universe providing us with what we need to become our very best selves.

How have I changed from indulging in childish behaviors to choosing to enjoy being a grownup?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12292013