SunAgape's Spot: choosing

Showing posts with label choosing. Show all posts

Friday, April 10, 2015

Captain Commitment

I am fascinated by all the stuff we do, we think, we feel, that we are unaware of. I am serious. I couldn’t believe that when I first encountered the concept. How could I be living my life and so clueless at the same time? It’s why they call it the unconscious mind.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be clueless. I don’t want to be ignorant of what I’m up to. I want to be the boss of me,

There is a whole bunch of new age-y terms for it, mindfulness being the one that seems to be bandied around the most. All that means; pay attention. Pay attention to your thoughts, notice what you are thinking when you are thinking it. If you practice doing that, you will be amazed at what’s going on in your head.

Why can I choose? What makes me aware? Why do I commit?

So the next step is to look at my life. I found it somewhat horrifying, and still do, that we see what we are committed to by looking at our lives. I want to be committed to a peaceful life. Do I see peace or is my life full of chaos? I want to be committed to flowing with life. Do I see flow or do I see drama and resistance? I want to be committed to warm, loving, respectful relationships. Do I see those relationships, or are my relationships full of strife? Are you getting the idea?

I live what I am committed to.

If there is a disconnect between what I want to be committed to and what I am living, chances are really good that the block is unconscious. When we are stuck we often beat ourselves up and say rotten things to ourselves. That’s so not useful. Creative Questions help us change those patterns.

I like to think of this particular Creative Question as a transitional question. It starts making way for us to change; moving the boulders out of the way, surveying the line of sight, grading the pathway and paving the new road to our desired outcome. (Can I write corn, or what!)

How have I changed from living in chaos to living in peace? How have I changed from resisting life to going with the flow? How have I changed from stressful relationships to loving and feeling loved? For example.

One of the bennies of choosing my commitments instead of my mysterious unconscious choosing for me is that I can stop bitchin’ about what’s going on in my life. I can feel like I’m steering my life a bit more. I mean, unexpected stuff happens, but my conscious commitments give me direction.

Taking action is the piece that makes our commitments dynamic. I know it’s a big “duh” but it’s often a piece we miss, and it’s why we are still living the old way. If I want my good parking spot at work that someone has been parking in this week, praying for it to St Dot of the Parking Spot is one thing, but leaving a few minutes earlier is another. So I did both and got my spot. For example.

I want to make sure that my action is going to move me forward to my goal. Sometimes that means I need to get some help. I love the old saw, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” That’s great for playing a musical instrument, but kind of not so great for making fresh changes.

How have I changed from feeling stuck to creating dynamic commitments?

Wednesday, April 08, 2015

Easy is as Easy Does

The other day I saw my onco doc. First thing he said to me was, “No more chemo.” Yay! As I was celebrating that night with my sifu and TCM doc, I heard myself say, “All things considered, that was pretty easy.”

Seriously.

Why is it just so easy? What makes me flow with life? What makes me relax?

What would you do if your life were easy? How would you fill your time if you chose to stop worrying? What would you replace stress with? What would change if you stopped choosing misery? I don’t mean these questions to sound dorky, they are quite serious. They are also quite possible.

I sure didn’t believe that in the days of yore. I really believed that life is hard. I really believed that we had to just suffer through it. I believed that misery was the watchword for the world. Poor former me. I believed that my beliefs were the Truth.

I can’t even tell you how glad I am that I was wrong.

How could it be easy? What would make it simple? Why could I relax?

My attitude doesn’t change what happens to me, but it most certainly changes how I think about it, how I feel. When I decide that it is easy, I loosen my hold on my commitment to negative emotional judgments about stuff. It’s just stuff.

Negative emotional judgment. Let that concept sink in.

I make the judgment that stuff is bad. I may go there because I see others going there, I may choose it because I’ve chosen it since I was a little kid; “X is bad!” I may choose it because I think I may lose something I have or not get something I want, and am having big feelings about that possible change of state.

When I stop making negative emotional judgments, situations are neutral. That neutrality makes for flow, it squelches drama, it maintains equilibrium, and that, baby, that means peace at my core.

I trust me to handle what comes my way, I’ve handled some pretty intense stuff. It may take me a bit to catch my breath, but I mostly don’t flap these days.

I am not saying that, for example, the loss of a loved one is not to be grieved. We need to feel our feelings as they come up. And let them flow through and out and done for now. And then we are back to the questions we started with.

What would you do if your life were easy? How would you fill your time if you chose to stop worrying? What would you replace stress with? What would change if you stopped choosing misery?

I have time to meditate since I don’t worry. I have time to really relax since I’m not so stressed. I have inside room for enjoyment since it’s all just so easy. I have more room for you in my life since I’m not all obsessed with how awful everything is.

How have I changed from believing life is hard to knowing it’s all just so easy?

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Call Me Good Enough

The last few months have been very interesting for me. Learning to work with Edgar, my ostomy, learning to work around chemo, learning to prioritize ferociously, learning to respond to the physical needs of my body, and taking care of my spirit, each of these has been a course in amazing.

Why am I competent? Why am I strong? What makes me capable?

The card I got today is the “Why am I good enough?” card. I realized that through all the unusual events of late I have never asked the question, “Why me?”

When I choose to believe that I am good enough, I can go with the flow. When I go with the flow, I can let go feeling like a victim. “Why me?” and “How did this happen to me?” aren’t useful questions in these circumstances..

When I choose to believe that I am good enough, I can ask for help easily. I can find the joy in each day because I don’t feel like my physical discomfort gets in the way of my spirit. I can do what I can do, and let the rest go for today, and call it good enough.

When I choose to believe that I am good enough, I can feel physically crappy, and emotionally happy because I don’t need to put judgments on my physical sensations.

Huh. That one blew me away.

I mislearned that if I feel physically bad, I have to sound like it. I have to put a certain painful twang into my voice so you know how martyred I am by my body. Why is that? Won’t you believe me if I don’t sound like I’m suffering? Maybe I won’t believe me if I don’t sound like I’m suffering. What I do know is that I am supporting me in feeling bad when I put on that voice.

Is that what I want?

Sometimes we support ourselves in things that make us feel bad because we get something else out of it. This “else” is called secondary gains, and, oh, that one was a bite of bitter for me. Like choosing to be in abusive relationships so you would want to rescue me. Or choosing to feel sick so I could stay home from my bad jobs.Or choosing to be incompetent so you would take care of me. Or staying poor so I could feel noble. I’m serious! Oy!

How do I know I am good enough? Why am I worthy? What makes me feel clear?

Choosing to feel good enough, choosing to like me and accept me as I am gives me so much freedom.

Does that sound funny to you, choosing to feel good enough? It’s a choice we make, mostly unconsciously, all day long. Or not. It’s a choice, like what cereal to have for breakfast, or whether to acknowledge the nasty email from the ex.

How have I changed from supporting my feeling-bad self to choosing to feel good enough?

Tuesday, August 05, 2014

Assessments

Lately I have been paying a lot of attention to where I am committed. I used to wonder about that, until I came to recognize that all I had to do was look at my life. I have put together a list of questions that I use. Some are Creative Questions, some are for information gathering. I tend not to use them all at once, but to look at one or two from time to time, especially if I am not feeling all that on track.

Have I chosen to take responsibility for my life? Do I recognize that I am living the perfect life for where I am right now? Do I own that? Do I own that I am responsible for how I feel, for what I do, for where I am?

How do I feel? Am I peaceful? Am I content? Am I happy? Do I feel like I can choose? Have I changed from letting bad feelings run the show to choosing to feel good? Do I feel like I am living my natural life of easy and fun?

How do I occupy my time? Do I feel productive at the end of the day? Do I feel accomplished? Do I feel like I have made good choices? Have I changed from feeling like I waste a lot of time to deciding what I am doing?

Who do I spend time with? Do I feel a mutual support? Do I feel like we are working together? Do I feel challenged in a positive way? Have I changed from having friends I don’t like to being thrilled with the people I love?

How do I take care of myself? Do I feed me well and often enough? Do I drink enough? Do I enjoy moving my body every day? Do I get enough rest? Do I address my spiritual, financial, and social needs? Have I changed from putting myself last to being sure I am in good standing with me?

How do I feel in my environments? Am I comfortable? Do I feel peaceful? Is my space one that brings me joy? Have I changed from hating where I live/work/play to loving my environments?

How do I take care with my loved ones? Do I pay attention to them? Do I listen and remember what they tell me? Do I help and support them as I can? Have I changed from feeling annoyed by them to finding compassion and patience?

Have I set myself measurable goals? Do I spend time on them regularly? Are they meaningful to me? Do I count my small successes as well as the big ones, and let myself feel successful? Have I changed from ignoring my accomplishments to savoring my good feelings?

Do I practice being aware of me, my stuff, my surroundings? Have I slowed down enough to keep track of my possessions like my car, keys, wallet and cellphone? Do I pay attention to my promises? Am I mindful of my actions? Do I notice when I am feeling distracted and pull myself back? Do I give myself some time to think?

Giving myself a little time from time to time to think about these things helps me move forward. It is especially useful for me if I am feeling stuck. I tend not to look at more than one or two at a time because if I do the whole thing I will often choose to beat myself up for being such a suck. May you find them useful.

How have I changed from being committed to things that do not support me to enjoying my best efforts?

Monday, June 30, 2014

Peace In, Peace Out

Being a grownup is nice. I trust that I make good decisions now. My life is full of wonderful, kind people, I flow with my life most of the time. I know how to relax. I feel peaceful at my core most of the time. Life is pretty effortless and fun. Most of the time.

Why am I peaceful? What makes me feel relaxed? How am I present?

When I flow with my life, it’s easy. When I flow with my life, I am relaxed at my core. I am curious and engaged. My daily life may seem simple these days, but it is exceedingly rich, and deep, and luscious.

Part of that is because of that peaceful feeling. I am able to be much more present when I feel peaceful than when I feel taxed, or stressed, or clenched.

What I found for me was that I had to practice choosing peaceful. It was not a place I could get to inside me very easily. Not only that, but I had some wacky ideas about what peace meant.

I used to think that feeling peaceful meant wearing long robes and walking at a snail’s pace with my hands tucked into my sleeves, eyes half closed and a weird smile. Huh. I don’t know where that image came from.

Peaceful meant no excitement, no passion, no adventure. It was all tofu and herbal tea.

I am so glad I was so wrong.

How do I choose serene? What makes me calm? Why do I enjoy my passions?

Turns out, peace is at my core. I feel it, even when I am laughing my head off because you are so hilarious, because it is part of my natural life.

When I am there, my life unfolds as it does. I don’t spend time fighting it or arguing with the Universe about it. My life brings me interesting things, wonderful people, the help I need, things to feel bliss about, joyful, and curious. Oh, I do like to feel curios.

Peaceful means that I remember compassion for me, and for you. I remember that we all have our unique set of gifts, talents, and skills. I remember that everyone has had stuff happen that challenged them, and that we are all doing our best..

Peaceful means that, when I encounter my pockets of resistance in the world, I can take the time I need to integrate them and move on.

Peaceful means that, if I don’t sleep well tonight, I know that will change and I can choose to feel awake. If I have some physical discomfort, I know that experience will shift around, and I can let it go. If I have sorrow, or anger, or fear come up, I can feel them, let it go, and get on with my life.

When I relax, I get peaceful. When I relax my emotions, the sense of peaceful deepens. When I relax my thoughts, peaceful draws me in.

When I feel peaceful, you like to be around me better. I like that.

How have I changed from feeling uptight to choosing peaceful?

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Broken Record School of Communication

One of my best teachers used to talk about the Broken Record School of Communication. Her point was that when you are trying to get a point across to an audience who is full of buts, and yabuts, even if it is yourself, repeat repeat repeat.

She did it with me all the time.

I do it with me all the time.

We often get deaf when we are listening to ideas that might change our world view. Changing our beliefs is scary, even when what we believe sucks. Repeat repeat repeat.

My happiness comes from within. That was a big one for me to accept. All the shopping/drugs/video games/sex/whatever in the world might distract me, but it didn’t make me happy.

On the other hand, all creation is for my well-being. Opportunities arise for me to learn, grow, celebrate, rejoice.

How do I choose my life? What makes me decide on my attitude? Why do I choose to grow up?

What do I want? How do I want to feel? What are my goals? How does my environment support me?

Broken Record School of Communication.

There are so many places where simply repeating ourselves is more effective than any arguments, and most of the time, it’s more effective than raising our voices in annoyance or anger.

It is also a wonderful tool when we are learning to express ourselves. When we have been saying yes to everything for years, learning to say no is not only challenging for us, but for the people we’ve been people-pleasing for all this time. It teaches us to stick with it, and it eventually will get through to them.

Why do I choose, How do I pick my attitude? What makes me choose to grow up?

When I tap into a Creative Questions that resonates with me, that makes me feel good, where I see how things look up, I need to repeat repeat repeat.

What makes me see the choice? How do I grow up? Why do I take the high road?

Using our Creative Questions will change everything. Sometimes, the change happens instantly. Sometimes we have to chip away at it, playing with our topic, messing with the wording.

I will use words that you may like, or may really not like. My emotionally neutral words may fire you up like the Fourth of July. Find language that suits you. You know what hits you right. Put the lesson from the Broken Record School of Communication and use it when you need it. Remember that all creation is for your well being. And that’s beyond our wildest imaginings.

How have I changed from feeling helpless to recognizing my resources?

What are your favorite Creative Questions these days? Do you play with the wording? If you like what you find here, please + or share. It really does make a difference. Why are you amazing?

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Deeply Peaceful and Relaxed

Take a moment, and pull in a nice, deep, slow breath. Now let it out, slowly. Go inside and notice where you might be holding a little tension, and let it go. Breathe into it if you can. Soft, relaxed.

Notice your feelings, your emotions. Breathe in peaceful, breathe out worry, breathe in peaceful, breathe out fear, continue breathing in peaceful, breathing out stress until you feel soft and relaxed.

Notice your spirit. Breathe in engaged, breathe out isolated. Breathe in self-curiosity, breathe out self-ignorance. Breathe in infinite, breathe out small.

I love that exercise. Relaxing my body, mind, and spirit. Peaceful at my core, engaged, curious, light.

Why do I choose peaceful? How can I choose relaxed? What makes me serene?

I used to think that being calm meant being slow; dum..dum...dum..... with nothing much going on. How boring would that be.

How wrong was I.

When I feel serene at my core, I am my best me. I am sharp-witted, compassionate, fluid. I can do any task and enjoy it. I feel strong and beautiful and competent. Everything is fun.

I practice this a lot on the little stuff; my frustration when my computer pointer is jumping around; the fuel pump’s inability to read my card; the store being out of what I went there for; the driver in front of me going too slow. I got a lot of practice yesterday. And then I made the flip, and life is good.

Why can I choose peaceful? What makes me relax? How do I feel when I am serene?

I have to admit, I hadn’t considered the idea that I could relax my feelings until recently. I mean, I knew how to calm down, but I hadn’t made the connection about relaxing all the way through all my systems.

If you work on nothing else for the next while, work on this. When I am relaxed all the way through, I am less likely to go to my bad habits for comfort, because I am already comfortable. I will sleep better because my body and mind are relaxed. I will find bliss more easily because my spirit is relaxed.

Now I will let you in on a secret, because I love to tell my secrets. I get a lot of practice in because I use odd moments. I stopped listening to the radio in the car, and now use it to practice feeling peaceful because I have many opportunities to leave peaceful. I practice in the restroom at work, or in the elevator, or running an errand down the hall. Waiting for the bus is another nice place to run my Creative Questions, to soften my tense muscles, to breathe in deep, slow, and to breathe out slowly. In, slowly, deeply. Out, slowly, fully. Soften, relax.

How have I changed from feeling tight and clenched to choosing peaceful all the way through?

Are you feeling a bit more relaxed now? Please consider either a + or a share. It makes a big difference. How do you know you are important?

Monday, January 27, 2014

Honing Trust

Oo, trust. What a wacky thing that is. There are a bunch of ways that trust works, it’s a thing and an action. We can trust well, or poorly, supportively or destructively.

I can choose whom to trust, with whom to be vulnerable. I can choose to let go of fantasizing that I know the outcome, and choose to assume I will be okay however it works out. I can choose to trust trustworthy people. I can choose to trust my wisdom, and instincts.

I didn’t used to.

I used to brilliantly and consistently trust untrustworthy people. I was in totally denial of my own wisdom, I always knew for sure that things were going to go horribly wrong, and when they didn’t, I knew it would just be worse the next time. “Cheer up, things will get worse” was a phrase I heard a lot, and totally took to heart.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. I’m so glad I was wrong.

How can I choose to feel safe? What makes me protected? Why do I let my life unfold?

As I choose to grow up, I choose to take responsibility for me. That means responding to a lot of stuff. I am responsible for my thoughts. Now, don’t get me wrong, thoughts flow. That’s their nature, and I don’t have a lot of control around what is in that flow as it burbles up from my unconscious mind. But, I do have control of the thoughts I think about. It’s a subtle distinction, but it’s profound.

Working that distinction is a skill that meditation affects, that of letting thoughts flow, and letting them go the moment you realize you are thinking them. There are lots of good thoughts to think, and circumstances under which to think them. My whole organism does better when I think positive thoughts, look for the good, and trust.

When I take responsibility for me, I am responsible for my feelings, which are complex blends of thoughts and emotions. If I feel crappy, it’s my responsibility to look at that feeling, dissect it, so to speak, so that I can let it go. I may need to take measures. For example, I used to get really blue every Sunday from about 11 am until about 5 pm. I ran away from it for a long time, by working, but it was still there. When I finally just sat through it a few times, pushing on it a bit, I was able to break it, and now, most of the time I can enjoy a Sunday all the way through.

When I take responsibility for me, I am responsible for my physical well being. That means I feed and water myself with care, clean myself, make sure I give myself some good exercise every day, challenge my mind, and get some decent sleep. It means I take some time to meditate, and contemplate, and practice my Creative Questions. These things take very little time, or a lot, but I get to choose how I do it. Some days I don’t. I am responsible for that, too.

When I take responsibility for me, I begin to find my wisdom. We all have it, deep down somewhere in there. Little by little, we haul it out and give it a test drive. And each time we get it right, we get a little stronger. We start to believe in ourselves, and, as we nurture that, it grows, and grows.

How have I changed from misusing my trust to putting it where it does the most good?

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

What Color is the Sky?

We are so cute. We get ideas about the world, and have thoughts about those ideas, and then, we sift out anything that doesn’t match those thoughts, and we convince ourselves that the world matches that idea.

“What color is the sky in her world?” is a snarky question I’ve been known to utter when annoyed with someone whose viewpoint is different from mine. But there’s value to that question, if it gets us looking at our stuff.

Why would I choose to be aware? What makes me notice?

Years ago, I realized that I had stopped losing sunglasses. How adult of me! I was kind of thrilled, and bought myself a pair of pricey pink-lensed aviators. I loved those glasses. Still do. They gave the sky a rosy glow, and I delighted in discovering that rosy glow could shift my mood up a couple notches. I found a pair of pale yellow-lensed glasses that I wear on cloudy days. They cut the gray-blue light in my sky and my mood can shift up a couple notches, or more.

As physical beings, we have physical reflexes. We are responding to stuff around us that we may have no awareness of at all; low, constant rumblings can leave us feeling uneasy and off. A pink tint can cheer us. Certain scents will lift our spirits while others can bring us down. If we smile a full-bore smile for a full minute, our brains start releasing feel-good chemicals. Mechanics.

Thoughts are ephemeral, but they produce physical responses. Often, when we get those responses, we look for reasons to have them “out there.” Because that’s what we are looking for, that’s what we find.

Why do I choose? What makes me decide? Why do I find what I seek?

So, when it comes to stuff like feeling included, or accepted, or honored, how much of that feeling comes from you accepting me, and how much of it is what I’ve made up about how the world works?

I’m sure we could do a study, but I would just as soon go with my own experience.

When I look objectively at my experience, and take responsibility for it, I can run my show. Granted, I’m always running my show, but it’s mostly from an unconscious place. I don’t know about you, but I find my unconscious mind to be a little bit unreliable. I would rather it not be in charge.

So I take charge. Then, what? What do I want? How do I want it? How will I know I have it?

How do I know I am wanted? How do I feel when I feel accepted? What makes me welcomed?

Asking good Creative Questions gets them into our brains. We don’t need to “hear” answers, just ask the questions. As we choose awareness, we start noticing how we feel, and how the answers to those questions change things for us. We are choosing to run our own show.

How have I changed from unconscious living to living the life of my choosing?

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

The Power of Soft

One of the most interesting experiments I tried last year was based on the assumption that I can.

It was a little more complicated than that. Back in the dark ages, I would agree to all sorts of stuff trying to be a people pleaser. What an exhausting waste of time. Not to mention that I couldn’t follow through on half the stuff that was asked of me. And me was the last person on my list of folks to take care of.

What I did this year was say yes to the challenging stuff.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If I figured I truly wouldn’t have the time or resources, I said no, but I wanted to see if I could stretch myself, to grow into the challenging tasks.

Yay, me!

Why am I capable? What makes me competent? How am I strong? Why do I choose to be vulnerable?

Wait, what? What’s that last one? That’s the one that inspired me to take some better care of me.

There is a huge difference between being soft and being fragile, being vulnerable and worn thin.

Now, I have been one of those people who got 5 or 6 hours of sleep each night for most of my life. I remember being wide awake in the middle of the night when my sister was a baby, so I was about a year and a half.

So one of the things I’ve started doing this year is going to bed early enough to get 8 hours, allowing for being awake a bit during the night.

What makes me take good care? Why do I treat my body with joy and respect?

I make sure that I meditate, do my qigong practice, eat wholesome food most of the time, and move my body a lot. I schedule activities that feed my soul, my mind, social time with my besties, and alone time with me. I pay attention to food cravings from my body, and do my best to put off the cravings of my feelings. Mostly, that’s a commitment of about two hours a day. The days when I see my pals, it may be a bit longer.

How do I feed my spirit?

Each of us has the same number of hours in a day. How we spend them is our choice. That is an annoying thing, I know, but there you go. How am I going to spend my hours?

I gained a bag full of hours when I decided to cut back on my TV time. I gained another bag full of hours when I cut back on my procrastination. Nuthin’ like a little behavior modification to wreck a good procrastinate. What makes me choose how to spend my time?

I publish these contemplations every single day. I publish a little Appreciations every day. These come from practicing my purpose. Why do I have a purpose?

I came out of this year with more of myself than I’ve ever had; more life, more love, more family, more time, more success, more health. By owning that I am capable of more, and of taking good care of me, I am living a life I love more than ever before.

How have I changed from living small and tight to living my own rich, full, glorious life?