Call Me Good Enough

Call Me Good Enough

The last few months have been very interesting for me. Learning to work with Edgar, my ostomy, learning to work around chemo, learning to prioritize ferociously, learning to respond to the physical needs of my body, and taking care of my spirit, each of these has been a course in amazing.

Why am I competent? Why am I strong? What makes me capable?

The card I got today is the “Why am I good enough?” card. I realized that through all the unusual events of late I have never asked the question, “Why me?”

When I choose to believe that I am good enough, I can go with the flow. When I go with the flow, I can let go feeling like a victim. “Why me?” and “How did this happen to me?” aren’t useful questions in these circumstances..

When I choose to believe that I am good enough, I can ask for help easily. I can find the joy in each day because I don’t feel like my physical discomfort gets in the way of my spirit. I can do what I can do, and let the rest go for today, and call it good enough.

When I choose to believe that I am good enough, I can feel physically crappy, and emotionally happy because I don’t need to put judgments on my physical sensations.

Huh. That one blew me away.

I mislearned that if I feel physically bad, I have to sound like it. I have to put a certain painful twang into my voice so you know how martyred I am by my body. Why is that? Won’t you believe me if I don’t sound like I’m suffering? Maybe I won’t believe me if I don’t sound like I’m suffering. What I do know is that I am supporting me in feeling bad when I put on that voice.

Is that what I want?

Sometimes we support ourselves in things that make us feel bad because we get something else out of it. This “else” is called secondary gains, and, oh, that one was a bite of bitter for me. Like choosing to be in abusive relationships so you would want to rescue me. Or choosing to feel sick so I could stay home from my bad jobs.Or choosing to be incompetent so you would take care of me.  Or staying poor so I could feel noble. I’m serious! Oy!

How do I know I am good enough? Why am I worthy? What makes me feel clear?

Choosing to feel good enough, choosing to like me and accept me as I am gives me so much freedom.

Does that sound funny to you, choosing to feel good enough? It’s a choice we make, mostly unconsciously, all day long. Or not. It’s a choice, like what cereal to have for breakfast, or whether to acknowledge the nasty email from the ex.

How have I changed from supporting my feeling-bad self to choosing to feel good enough?

© Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 12092014