How to Lose the Losesr

How to Lose the Loser

Why do so many of us feel like we are losers? It’s so sad. For some of us, our adults regaled us with negative emotional judgments. For some of us, we learned to compare ourselves unfavorably to others. There are other reasons; you may know yours. For me, I learned that there was nothing I could try at which I wouldn’t fail. It was pounded into my head, first by some of my adults, and later, just me by my own self. My belief made trying to progress in my life very challenging.

Some of us believe we are losers almost to our core, but try to fight it so hard by acting as if we are better than everyone. We are constantly putting down those around us as incompetents, terrified to look at how inadequate we feel, terrified that someone will notice what losers we are.

Opposite sides of the same, fundamental belief; that we are not good enough, that we are losers. A belief based on mislearning.

What does that mean; a belief based on mislearning?

Our beliefs are simply the filters through which we view the world. We hold them dear, we treat them as Truth. Occasionally they are True, that is, True for everyone, but mostly they are just ideas we’ve taken on. Some beliefs, like the notion that infinity is infinite, not more or less infinite, is a belief that is pretty benign. It doesn’t matter that it isn’t Truth. A belief like “I am a loser” is both false and pretty damaging.

So what do we do with a belief like that? We change it. Sometimes changing a belief is easy peasy. Just a simple challenge can be enough to send a bad belief packing. Sometimes, we need to chip away at a bad belief, and that’s why Creative Questions are so helpful.

Why am I so successful? How do I know I win? What makes me feel triumphant? How have I changed from feeling like a loser to knowing I am victorious? Why do I own my success? Why am I proud of me?

Sometimes, we don’t really know what we believe. I know, that is kind of weird, but it’s true. Finding out is so important if we want to change them to supportive beliefs. It’s pretty simple, although not necessarily easy.

To discover what you believe about yourself, notice what you tell yourself about you. One of my favorites was “What’s wrong with you?” There were many variation on that question, but it always got me going on the things that were “wrong.” Sometimes I told myself disparages like, “You are so stupid! You are so ugly! You can’t do anything right!” I know that if you are reading this, you have your own “favorites.”

The happy news is that we can use those horrible things we tell ourselves to make beautiful, life-changing Creative Questions. It’s what the “How have I changed” Questions are for.

How have I changed from feeling wrong to knowing I am amazing? How have I changed from thinking I am stupid to owning my wisdom? How have I changed from feeling ugly to seeing my own beauty? How have I changed from feeling like I can’t do anything right to knowing I am competent?

See? You just find the opposite of the horrible thing you say to yourself, and make it into a Creative Question. Then, whenever you notice yourself being awful to you, use the new Question. You can also add the word, “else” to the Question for even more awesomeness: How else have I changed from ...

How have I changed from feeling like a loser to owning how I am a winner?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 05262015

Captain Commitment

Captain Commitment

I am fascinated by all the stuff we do, we think, we feel, that we are unaware of. I am serious. I couldn’t believe that when I first encountered the concept. How could I be living my life and so clueless at the same time? It’s why they call it the unconscious mind.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be clueless. I don’t want to be ignorant of what I’m up to. I want to be the boss of me,

There is a whole bunch of new age-y terms for it, mindfulness being the one that seems to be bandied around the most. All that means; pay attention. Pay attention to your thoughts, notice what you are thinking when you are thinking it. If you practice doing that, you will be amazed at what’s going on in your head.

Why can I choose? What makes me aware? Why do I commit?

So the next step is to look at my life. I found it somewhat horrifying, and still do, that we see what we are committed to by looking at our lives. I want to be committed to a peaceful life. Do I see peace or is my life full of chaos? I want to be committed to flowing with life. Do I see flow or do I see drama and resistance? I want to be committed to warm, loving, respectful relationships. Do I see those relationships, or are my relationships full of strife? Are you getting the idea?

I live what I am committed to.

If there is a disconnect between what I want to be committed to and what I am living, chances are really good that the block is unconscious. When we are stuck we often beat ourselves up and say rotten things to ourselves. That’s so not useful. Creative Questions help us change those patterns.

I like to think of this particular Creative Question as a transitional question. It starts making way for us to change; moving the boulders out of the way, surveying the line of sight, grading the pathway and paving the new road to our desired outcome. (Can I write corn, or what!)

How have I changed from living in chaos to living in peace? How have I changed from resisting life to going with the flow? How have I changed from stressful relationships to loving and feeling loved? For example.

One of the bennies of choosing my commitments instead of my mysterious unconscious choosing for me is that I can stop bitchin’ about what’s going on in my life. I can feel like I’m steering my life a bit more. I mean, unexpected stuff happens, but my conscious commitments give me direction.

Taking action is the piece that makes our commitments dynamic. I know it’s a big “duh” but it’s often a piece we miss, and it’s why we are still living the old way. If I want my good parking spot at work that someone has been parking in this week, praying for it to St Dot of the Parking Spot is one thing, but leaving a few minutes earlier is another. So I did both and got my spot. For example.

I want to make sure that my action is going to move me forward to my goal. Sometimes that means I need to get some help. I love the old saw, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” That’s great for playing a musical instrument, but kind of not so great for making fresh changes.

How have I changed from feeling stuck to creating dynamic commitments?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 04102015

Felling my Fatal Flaw

Felling My Fatal Flaw

It is our first relationship, the first person we become aware of. This is the first person  whose feelings we notice, whose well being matters to us. This is often the first person we doubt. It brings up one of my favorite thinkin’ questions, “Who is the I that recognizes me?”

My most fundamental relationship is the one I have with myself. It is also far and away the most complicated one I have simply because I know so much about me. I often put the most negative emotional judgments on me, the harshest critic, the cruelest words. I say the nastiest, most cutting things to myself, and often I am not even paying attention when I do. It’s more of a stream of consciousness undercurrent that is undermining, undercutting, all under my radar.

Why would I like me? How could I treat me with kindness and respect? What makes me nice to me?

Liking ourselves is effortless at our core. We totally get it there. But as we think stuff, and observe stuff, we start mislearning, and we are usually the first victim of that mislearning. That first mislearning about ourselves will color everything for us. We call it “personal doubt” and it is wrong, no matter how certain we are that it is right.

Why am I good enough? Why am I right? Why am I acceptable? Why am I a contribution?

We often think of our personal doubt as our fatal flaw, that one horrible thing about us that makes us less than, or unlovable, or undeserving.

And it’s not true. We only think it’s true. And we react to that thought either by trying to prove it wrong, or by giving up to show that it’s right. If I believe that I am not good enough, I may bend over backwards to prove that I am. Overachieving in everything I do, as though I were striving for sainthood. Or I may say “phooey” and underachieve, getting in trouble, being mean. Or I may do one here, and the other there, and it’s all based on a wrong idea that we hold in certainty.

Maybe I feel like everything I do is wrong, or even that I am wrong for existing. Maybe I feel like I have no inherent value. Maybe I feel like I always hurt people. Chances are good that if I think about it a bit, I will notice what my personal doubt is.

When I find it, I can start using my good Creative Questions to loosen it up. If I feel like I always hurt people, I can try Creative Questions like, “How am I a contribution? Why do I help? What makes me considerate? How do I show my compassion?”

And it’s not about doing more. It’s not about work hard at it. It’s not about striving to be a contribution, a helper. We are these things naturally, effortlessly. By asking good Creative Questions, we are helping ourselves to our natural balance, our natural equilibrium. Like forgiving ourselves when we screw up, it’s hitting the reset button.

Giving myself permission to like me is, for some of us, all we need. We are battered by the media with ideas that we are lacking. I should be the way I see other people. When I give myself permission to like and accept me as I am right now, I can choose to like me. I am free.

How have I changed from owning a fatal flaw to liking me as I am?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07122014

How Do I Love Me?

How Do I Love Me?

Many of us go through phases of loving ourselves, and then loathing ourselves. The first one is nice and easy. The second one is awful, and a very convincing lie.

We go to self-loathing when we buy into bad PR about us. We tend to learn how to do this as little children. We may be hearing information from our loved ones about how bad we are, or   we may see our adults hating themselves, and learn that behavior by observation. However it goes, we are buying into a really bad mislearning.

We are not loathsome.

Self-hate is a lot like depression. Depression is amazing in that  it convinces us that we have always been depressed. Self-hate does the same kind of thing. It makes us think that when we haven’t hated ourselves we were wrong.

Dang.

I go there way less than I used to. And I tend to go there when I am not taking care of myself.

Why do I like me? What makes me good company? How am I my own best friend?

The self-loathing loop is insidious. Getting back to the start will help, but this is a loop that we have played so many times that it doesn’t need any help.  

I need to decide to change it, to make things better for me. I need to start noticing when I’m saying rotten things to myself. I often can’t hear these thoughts, so I need to go by the feeling. For me, it’s like my heart gets wrapped in smelly, wet, moldy towels. As soon as I catch that feeling starting, I start asking good Creative Questions.

Why am I valuable? What makes me deserving? Why do I like me?

Creative Questions work on our unconscious mind. When we find the right question for us at the time, we will often get a “tell,” that is, a physical response. Maybe a sudden intake of breath, or tears, or a tingle. Sometimes, I get a tightening of the muscles behind my ears. That’s a good question to practice with.

Sometimes I get a “no!” response inside. That let’s me know I’ve hit a belief. I can work around it by using the words “would” and “could.” Why could I like me? When we add those words in, we bypass the objection, and let the question get in where it will do some good.

When I want to punch up a good question like, Why do I like me? I can add the word “else.” Why else do I like me?

And have you noticed that Creative Questions are all in the present tense? Our unconscious mind isn’t very time-conscious, it’s pretty much all now for that part of us, so phrasing our questions in the present moment is another way to get them in deep.

Practicing our good questions will help loosen up those old, awful tapes so we can get rid of them.

How have I changed from not liking me to feeling proud of who I am?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 05132014

If you've found something you like here, please interact with the page. +1 or share; makes a difference. Why are you amazing?

Nurturing Greatness

Just imagine how the world would be if we all were alive in our own greatness. Working on purpose, living in love and goodness, waking in the morning refreshed, joyful, eager to start our day full of health and happiness. Imagine spending your time doing things you love to do, with people you love to be around; learning, teaching, creating, enjoying.

And did you notice I said “greatness”? Not pretty-good-ness, or okay-ness, but greatness.

It’s one of the scariest things, the contemplation of our own potential greatness. Isn’t that strange? You’d think that we’d be champing at the bit to get there, but here we are instead, struggling to push the envelope of our okay-ness, or not-too-sucky-ness.

How do I know I am good enough? What makes me shine? How could I be great?

It’s so scary, we often can’t even imagine what it might look like. It’s so scary, we can barely figure out what we like, what we want.  Linus, in the Peanuts cartoon by Charles Schultz put it nicely, “There is no heavier burden than a great potential.”

Well, we have Creative Questions. That makes a huge difference. We can start by asking “Why am I good enough?” and then we can ask “How am I amazing? What makes me live on purpose?” And then we can ask, “How could I be great? Why would I be great? What makes me so great?”

How do you feel, asking those questions? Excited? Neutral? Bad?

When we remember that our emotions are our GPS pointing us to our path, we know what our Questions will be. If I feel neutral or even bad when I ponder my greatness, I may want to start asking some good Questions, reprogramming my unconscious mind with supportive, empowering questions.

I may want to ask Questions like, “How do I feel when I am great? What makes me great? How do I know what I want?”

Oh, yeah. How do I know what I want?  That is a question we start out asking. As infants, we know what we want, we just can’t articulate it very well. For many of us, as we get older, we learn to ignore what we want beyond material stuff. We may be told we are ridiculous for wanting that, or that we would only fail at it. Some of us decide we will show them, some of us give up, some of us decide to clean that stuff up, and just get on with growing up.

Sometimes, when we ask Questions like these, we find big resistance. We may get mad, or frustrated, and act that out by being dramatic. We may get depressed, and shut down, taking it out on ourselves. Sometimes we feel stuck or helpless, and that directs us to our power questions, Why am I strong? Why am I competent? What makes me capable?

I had the experience when I was young of being punished for being successful, so that’s one I have to be aware of. It’s much less strong now, and I like to think about it disappearing altogether. We often have stuff like that, hidden back in our youth. Resolving it will make stuff so much easier.

How have I changed from fearing my potential to nurturing my greatness?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03292014

What did you like in today's contemplation? The idea of letting your greatness grow? Yeah, I like that, too. Would you be so kind as to + or share this? Thanks. Why are you amazing?

Committing to Choice

Committing to Choice

The commitment card came up again today. Yeah, commitment. Where do I put my energy and efforts?

I love looking at semantics, my own because of the power they have to flip me this way or that, and ours to see what burns us, and what spurs us.

I used to be into “self-help” because I felt too damaged to wanna go public with needing help. I know, it was pretty sad. Now, the phrase I like is “personal growth” and get help all over the place.

I’ve learned to look around me to see what my commitments are. I’ve learned to pay attention to my tiny choices, you know the ones that, baby step by baby step, take you away from your good intentions until you can’t figure out how you got where you are, or how to get back.

Tiny choices.

We start the moment we wake up, before we open our eyes, we often have a thought, make a choice, about how we are going to address our day. The crazy thing is, that thought is often both unconscious and a habit. I think that’s amazing, for all our love of the idea of freedom.

I will never be free while I am enslaved by my unconscious habit thoughts. As long as I have thoughts that say life is hard, or I can’t, or I’m not enough, or things don’t go my way, or whatever my favorites happen to be, I’m subject to the whims and fancies of my unconscious mind.  

When I start my morning with a Creative Question like, “Why would I have a good day?” I get my unconscious mind thinking on something new and supportive. If I continue to ask variations on that Question as I go  through my morning routine, I start looking for ways that I’m having a good day. Chances are, those things were there, but since I was focused on my bad day, I didn’t count ‘em. Maybe I didn’t even see them.

When I was first getting started, I had Creative Questions posted all over the place. I wrote them on my bathroom mirror in eyebrow pencil, I put them on sticky notes and put ‘em by the door to see when I left the house, on the dashboard of the car, on my monitor at work.

And I wrote them out. Well, I still do that. Why do I, Pam, have a good day? Why do you, Pam, have a good day? Why does she, Pam, have a good day? How do I, Pam, have a good day? And so on.

Tiny choices.

Why do I choose my commitments? Why do I choose my attitude? How do I choose my state of mind?

We like to think that our moods, our state of mind, is somehow not in our control. That it’s because we had a bad day, or we are in a challenging relationship, or something else outside of us. When I make the commitment to take responsibility for my emotional well-being, I can choose to start feeling better.

How have I changed from feeling buffeted from feeling like I am at the helm of my emotional boat?

(c) 2014 Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 01262014

Remember to share if you care. Why are you a contribution?

Found: Wanting

Found: Wanting

I tell you a lot of stuff about me. I tell you so that you know that I know where you’ve been. Maybe not the deets, but the deets, as important as they are in the moment, are story. Struggle, fear, self-hate, loneliness, despair, these we have known.

The card I pulled this morning says, “Why am I wanted?” Oh, what a nice question, what a nice feeling, that feeling of being wanted. But, boy, can we get ourselves in trouble with it.

My best ways to suffer around feeling wanted were two-fold.

Fold one was not wanting to be around myself. That is such a nasty place. It’s based on a lie, in the first place, and in the second place, being annoyed with ourselves is no reason to stop speaking to ourselves.

Fold two was wanting to be wanted by someone who didn’t. Heartache!

We can’t help who we fall in love with, but we can choose what we are going to think on.

From time to time, many of us have found ourselves in a relationship that doesn’t support us in being our best self. Perhaps the other person is in a relationship with someone else. Perhaps we are neglected, or put down, or even physically harmed.

And we stay. And we tell ourselves that we are staying because we love the person who is being cruel, or because we think no one else will love us, or we think it’s better for the kids. We get the idea that if we do something, we will change their behavior. Maybe not so much.

I’m not saying that I’ve never seen some spectacular transformations in relationships. I am saying that you both need to want things to be different, and to be willing to do something about it.

This is a big fat go-get-help thing.

Meanwhile, start asking yourself some good Creative Questions, “Why am I wanted” What makes me feel desired? How am I included?” and notice your responses, if you can. Remember that you don’t need to get a conscious answer to a Creative Question for it to have a wonderful effect on you.

Spend some time noticing where you are included. One of my tricks was to stand back, and then get pissed at not being included. Yeah, neat trick. If I want more support, I have to allow it to come into my life. I also need to allow it to come to me in ways other than what I might think is the “right” way.

Let people who are trustworthy know what is going on. Listen to what they say, heed their advice.

Remember that we tend to stay stuck in icky situations because they are familiar. Not comfortable, Not wholesome. Familiar. It is a terrible reason to put up with rotten circumstances.

You are worth so much more. Why are you loveable? Why would people like you? Why do you deserve a nice life?

How have I changed from feeling isolated to knowing I am wanted?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 09222013