Lightening the Load

Lightening the Load

How do you feel playful? How do you feel light? What makes you have fun?

So many of us have gotten away from having fun. We pile things on to our todo lists, we stay up late making it perfect, we get up early to do the same. We go go go all the time, and barely know what we are feeling, much less whether we are having fun.

Our lives flow with continuous experiences, and within those experiences is so much potential for joy. We can’t feel joy when we are heavy with responsibility. We can’t feel joy when we are burdened with seriousness. Gravitas and play tend not to go hand-in-mitten.

We often get the idea that if we are responsible, if we are important, we need to be serious. We have learned that play is for fools and we don’t want to be seen as a fool, especially if the person seeing us that way is ourselves.

We want to feel like we matter, that the things we do make a difference, that we count. We learn that important people are serious, they work hard, they are diligent and dedicated, and don’t take things lightly. We learn that if we want to be taken seriously we have to be serious. We abandon the play we enjoy.

We know we feel good when we move our bodies, and so we get serious about exercising. We set about improving our health with grim determination. We strip out the things that bring us joy, and approach our movement as though it were a matter of life or death. We do the same thing with food, cutting out the food that we think is fun, and substitute all manner of things that we don’t enjoy, but that we know are good for us.

There is a big difference between being serious, and taking things seriously.

Why do I play? How do I know I matter? What makes me enjoy being alive?

What we find as we start to relax into being grownups is that we want to play. We take playing seriously, and dump being serious. We notice that we feel important, we feel how we matter.  We see how we make a difference, and we take joy in that. We let go of the gravitas, we lighten up.

We discover that we enjoy our work, we enjoy our movement, we enjoy eating, and we enjoy radiant and abundant health. It may not be all the time, it may not be for every task, it may not all be cake and ice cream, but we satisfied, we feel content. At the end of the day we are grateful, and appreciative of what we have accomplished.

When I am taking things seriously, I do what my teachers tell me to do. I meet my commitments. I take responsibility for my promises. I treat myself with respect, and practice self-care automatically. I don’t take a bad mood seriously. I look at what I can change, change it, and let it go. Often that is just my attitude. I don’t take things personally. I trust more.

When I feel how I matter, to me, to you, to my communities, I take that seriously. I recognize that my behavior and attitudes have an impact on the world. I see that bringing a light heart to my day makes everything easier, and I find the resources I need, I find compassion, and I open my heart to all my life brings me.

How have I changed from being serious to feeling light?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07202014

Hacking the Outcome

Hacking the Outcome

I’ve been seeing a phrase recently, floating around on the Internet; life hacks. Life hacks are tips and tricks for making life easier.

One of my favorites that I use a lot is imagining how I want something to go. How I want the phone call to go, how I want the meeting to go, how I want the lunch to go.

I used to do something like that in the yore days, but then I tended to imagining bad stuff. Not really worst case, because I have a huge imagination, but stinky case for sure.

Now, when I imaging a phone call going badly as I’m dialing the number, a bunch of stuff happens, and most of it happens in our unconscious mind.

First, when the person answers the phone, I am listening for something bad in their tone of voice; snide, exasperated, snarky, bored, angry; something like that. I was amazed in my NLP (Neurolinguistic Psychology) training at what we can hear in each other’s voices. Mostly that is processed unconsciously. Oh, we are amazing.

Next, I start seeking negative stuff in what they are saying, and respond negatively, and I can blow up a conversation in no time at all.

Why am I competent? What makes me capable? How am I effective? How do I feel when I am light? Why could things go my way?

Since we are grownups, we have grown out of imagining terrible things, and now practice imagining good things. We know things will happen as they do, good or bad, but we can sort for the wonderful rather than the dreadful.

Since we are grownups, we have grown out of saying, “I don’t know what I want,” and actually take the time to notice what we do want. So, when I am anticipating an important call, I can spend some time imaging what the best outcome for me would be.

Since we are grownups, we have grown out of fighting life, and relax into the flow. We know that life includes ups and downs, events will happen that break our hearts, and make our hearts soar. We trust that when the challenging ones happen, we will find all the strength are resources we need, and that those events will bring us, at the very least, more of ourselves, often in ways that may surprise us.

Since we are grownups, we have grown out of thinking we have to fix our lives, and know that we can trust to let our lives unfold. We can use the energy we saved by letting go to enjoy being fulling in the moment, feeling strong and soft, feeling competent, being aware of our experience, being present.

How do I know the outcome? What makes me trust? How do I choose to feel safe?

When I feel safe, I hold myself differently. When I feel happy, I hold myself differently. When I own my power, I hold myself differently. I can change how I feel by holding myself differently. I can change how I feel by biting a pencil longways, not letting my lips touch it, and doing that for a full minutes. It physically mimics a smile, and that releases feel-good neurochemicals into my system.

We may not have a lot of control over what happens in our lives, but we have a lot of control over how we respond to it.

How have let go of expecting rotten to imagining the best outcome?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04092014

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Feeling and Doing

Feeling and Doing

Doing stuff is something we are all really good at. We are doing stuff all the time, important stuff, dumb stuff, stuff that moves us forward, stuff that passes the time. We can’t get away without doing stuff, but boyoboy, can doing get us in trouble.

Doing stuff, how we feel about the stuff we do, the judgments we make about the stuff we do, all come from out thoughts.

Verbing is neutral. We plunk value judgments on stuff all the time, based on our views of the world. We have ideas about what we consume, what we discard, we have ideas about hobbies, activities, jobs and occupations. We have ideas about how tasks should be done, even whether they should be done.

We have ideas about how we should express our spirit, our emotions, our physical presence, and these ideas often clash. We judge each other, praise each other, shame each other, laud each other.

Not only that, but we do the same; judge, praise, shame, and laud our own selves for the stuff we do. It’s like, what is the difference between a pass time and wasting time? Just the judgment.

How am I occupied? Why do I like what I do? What makes me feel productive? How am I satisfied?

Many of us work for a living, some of us are stay-at-home parents, or spouses. Some of us are retired, or in school, or looking for an occupation, but however it goes, we fill our days with doing.

Doing is a great way to progress toward our dreams and goals. Having dreams and goals is part of being a grownup. They give shape to our days, and bring satisfaction and contentment to our beings.

Doing is also a great way to avoid dealing with our internal lives.

Say, what?

Being busy lets us distract ourselves from our internal GPS, our feelings, that let us know what direction we are headed in. If we feel peaceful at our core, relaxed, and happy, we are on track. If we feel agitated, miserable, angry, for more than a few minutes, we may be off track.

Emotions flow through us like thoughts, like floating down a river. When we notice them, and experience them, they are done, completed, and we can move on to the next thing. Experiencing my anger isn’t the same thing as expressing it. Expressing it can often get me in trouble. Experiencing it will move me forward.

Why do I have my emotions? What makes me notice my feelings? Why am I clear?

Being busy, focused on doing doing doing, keeps my feet out of my feelings so to speak, and I end up shoving it into my unconscious mind, where it starts ricocheting off the walls of my mind. And that makes me feel nuts.

By choosing to do what I do mindfully, and with awareness, I can feel my feelings as they flow through my being. I can occupy my time with activities that I value. I can reach my goals, and make new ones, and go to bed feeling content and satisfied.

How have I changed from being a busy bee to being mindful of my activities?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 02242014

The Power of Soft

The Power of Soft

One of the most interesting experiments I tried last year was based on the assumption that I can.

It was a little more complicated than that. Back in the dark ages, I would agree to all sorts of stuff trying to be a people pleaser. What an exhausting waste of time. Not to mention that I couldn’t follow through on half the stuff that was asked of me. And me was the last person on my list of folks to take care of.

What I did this year was say yes to the challenging stuff.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If I figured I truly wouldn’t have the time or resources, I said no, but I wanted to see if I could stretch myself, to grow into the challenging tasks.

Yay, me!

Why am I capable? What makes me competent? How am I strong? Why do I choose to be vulnerable?

Wait, what? What’s that last one? That’s the one that inspired me to take some better care of me.

There is a huge difference between being soft and being fragile, being vulnerable and worn thin.

Now, I have been one of those people who got 5 or 6 hours of sleep each night for most of my life. I remember being wide awake in the middle of the night when my sister was a baby, so I was about a year and a half.

So one of the things I’ve started doing this year is going to bed early enough to get 8 hours, allowing for being awake a bit during the night.

What makes me take good care? Why do I treat my body with joy and respect?

I make sure that I meditate, do my qigong practice, eat wholesome food most of the time, and move my body a lot. I schedule activities that feed my soul, my mind, social time with my besties, and alone time with me. I pay attention to food cravings from my body, and do my best to put off the cravings of my feelings. Mostly, that’s a commitment of about two hours a day. The days when I see my pals, it may be a bit longer.

How do I feed my spirit?

Each of us has the same number of hours in a day. How we spend them is our choice. That is an annoying thing, I know, but there you go. How am I going to spend my hours?

I gained a bag full of hours when I decided to cut back on my TV time. I gained another bag full of hours when I cut back on my procrastination. Nuthin’ like a little behavior modification to wreck a good procrastinate. What makes me choose how to spend my time?

I publish these contemplations every single day. I publish a little Appreciations every day. These come from practicing my purpose.  Why do I have a purpose?

I came out of this year with more of myself than I’ve ever had; more life, more love, more family, more time, more success, more health. By owning that I am capable of more, and of taking good care of me, I am living a life I love more than ever before.

How have I changed from living small and tight to living my own rich, full, glorious life?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01012014

Secondary Gains

Secondary Gains

We are so interesting, us people. Because each of us is unique, we have endless differences and similarities to explore. Some of those are wonderful, some are tragic, or scary, or fill us with love and comfort.

We are all human. That’s the bottom line.

I recently learned that one of my communities is behaving poorly, and others are noticing. Got me thinking, like stuff does.

Not Creative Questions, but good questions, nonetheless: What kind of example am I setting? What roles am I modeling? When I am behaving badly, what do I get out of it?

Yeah, I don’t much like that last one, either, but since I am committed to knowing myself, I have to look at that stuff.

Secondary gains. That’s what we get when we are misbehaving and know we shouldn’t. It can be challenging and embarrassing to look that clearly at ourselves, but it is also the only way I know of to shed those behaviors.

Most of us like to feel celebrated, like to feel honored. We like to feel proud of ourselves, and that we are a contribution to our communities, from our families to our countries and world. Sometimes, we feel arrogant; better, smarter, more worthy, or deserving. Sometimes we feel the opposite; worse, dumber, less worthy in a weird and punishing way. Neither one feels good.

How do I know I am good enough? What makes me respect myself? Why do I choose to know me? How do I know I am safe to know me?

When I encounter one of those times, being better or less than you, I need to stop. I need to regroup. I usually need to relax something, my body, my feelings, or a notion I have.

When I find myself indulging in one of those behaviors that feel shamefully fun, I try to take a step back, and at the very least, stop. It can often feel really fun at the time, but then I feel bad after. It’s often not worth it to me in the long run.

Secondary gains are interesting. It may be the case that we feel relief from built up, inside psychic or emotional pressure. It may be the case that we feel connected by doing the same things as our friends. It may be the case that we feel elevated, or better than. It may be the case that we feel included, or noble, or self-sacrificing. We each have our own, special list.

Since I want to grow up, I have these topics to address. I will notice when I feel guilty. Is there something I need to do, or do I simply need to let it go? I will notice when I am worrying. Is there something I need to do, or do I just let it go? I will notice when I am doing something that brings secondary gains, and I will stop, and shift my behavior.

I believe that when I learn the lesson, the situation will change automatically. It’s all for me. From your POV, it’s all for you, the Universe providing us with what we need to become our very best selves.

How have I changed from indulging in childish behaviors to choosing to enjoy being a grownup?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12292013

It’s Just so Easy

It’s Just so Easy

I can. I can do this. I am competent and capable. How do I know I can do this? What makes me strong? Why am I tapped into the source?

We have so many things happen as we move through our lives. Some of those things just happen and we don’t have to do much. Other things call on us to dig deep and find resources we didn’t know we had. When we get that call, sometimes we meet it, sometimes we don’t.

One of the coolest things about becoming a grownup is that we find resources. We find external resources to help us, or support us, or comfort us. Our ability to find these resources improves, our ability to receive improves, our ability to share improves. And next thing you know, our lives have juiced up and we are loving living.

Even more important than finding our external resources is finding our internal resources.

Why am I competent? How do I know I am capable? How have I changed from feeling overwhelmed to knowing I can? Why could it all be so easy?

As I start tapping into my internal resources, I find strength. Strength of character, emotional endurance, even physical stamina. At the same time, I find other resources that temper my strength. I find softness and vulnerability. I am tender, I am pliant and flexible. I find that within me is a core of peace and calm. When I am there, at the core, I can flow with my circumstances, flow with life.

Like floating down a river, flowing with my life isn’t effortful. It’s interesting, engaging, compelling. If I look, I can find elements of enjoyment everywhere. I can even enjoy “negative” emotions when I don’t have a lot of crap attached.

Why do I find enjoyment? What makes it fun for me? Why do I engage?

And that’s another thing that happens as I dig deep. I find that I can let go of my old past, my old emo crap, my old traumas. As I start living my natural life, I find that I like it, and want to do what I need to do the clean up my act, to change my destructive patterns, to heal.

Why do I choose to be well? Why do I look to my health? What uplifts me?

In yore’s days, I wanted to feel tough. I wanted to be impervious to emotional pain, shut it away, and not feel anything. I felt wounded all the time. You hurt me so much. The world hurt me so much, both of you whacking into me all the time. Except, you weren’t trying to hurt me, and the world was really just minding it’s own business. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was or what I was doing, I was so busy with my inside stuff.

How have I changed from being focused on my negative self to choosing to see the light?

Remarkably, I find that I don’t get hurt as easily. I am more aware, so I don’t walk into doors, or misstep, I don’t cut myself. I’m not covered in bruises I don’t remember getting, and I also don’t

suffer emotional hurts so easily. I don’t take things personally. I don’t feel like I’m a bad person when I make a mistake.

Choosing competent, choosing capable, choosing responsible doesn’t make my life harder, it makes it easier. Getting it done, letting go of my procrastination, makes it easier. Clearing out my crap, getting to my core, makes it easier.

How have I changed from believing it has to be hard to knowing it can all be just so easy?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12132013

Aw, Grow Up!

Aw, Grow Up!

Wah wah wah. I’m cold, I’m hot, I’m bored, I’m hungry. I’m too full. I don’t like this. I don’t like that. You are mean to me. I don’t have enough. I don’t want to do that. Wah wah wah.

Whining and whinging, moaning and groaning. Nothing is right, nothing is good enough, nothing satisfies.

Last night, I got home a little after 10 PM. I sat in my nice, warm car for a bit checking messages, it was 0F/-18C at the time, and in that time, the owner of the SUV next to me returned. He beeped the car, opened the door, paused, closed the door and got on his phone.

As I stepped out of my car, he was just finishing his call and I asked if everything was okay. Someone had broken the passenger window, and taken his backpack that was sitting on the seat, with his laptop in it.

We chatted for a while, and then he said, “Well, look. That’s nice, they left my hat. I think I’ll put that on while I’m waiting.” I told him I hoped the rest of his year would make up for the event, and he said, “It’s just a broken window and a stolen laptop. If that’s the worst thing that happened this year, it will be a pretty good year.”

I was so taken by his attitude. Bitter cold, broken window, 10:30 on a work night, waiting for the cops, and then AAA, or whomever, and his comment was, “If that’s the worst thing that happened this year, it will be a pretty good year.”

Warmed me right up.

Bitching and whining are easy. That’s baby talk. I want to be a grown up. Grown ups see the upside. Grown ups may complain from time to time, but they also find solutions.

Being miserable is easy. That’s our factory setting. I want to be a grown up. Grown ups choose to be happy.

Not liking, not wanting, not engaging, that’s at the dark end of the scale. I want to be a grown up on the light end of the scale. Grown ups find ways to allow things to be as they are, know what they want, and engage and connect with what they are doing, whom they are with.

Wanting more random stuff, feeling entitled, mine mine me! That’s toddler behavior. I want to be a grown up. Grown up recognized their plenty, and appreciate the fullness of their life.

Reacting to stuff, freaking out, worrying, well, I think you see where I am coming from.

When I decide to grow up, I am deciding, in a very practical sense, to live the nicest life I can manage. (When I start feeling sorry for myself, I often find myself thinking of the incarcerated Tibetan Buddhist monks who manage to stay positive in horrible circumstances, which almost instantly reconnects me with the awareness of how rich and glorious my life is, what a dazzling amount of luxury I’ve created for myself, and that all of that is outer trappings. Until I choose to be a grown up, I am in a prison of my own thoughts and attitudes.

Why do I choose to grown up?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12062013

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The Lap of Luxury

The Lap of Luxury

Being a human is so cool. For one thing, I have language, which makes a huge difference between me, and say, my snails, or even my cats. Having language means that I can think about abstract concepts, work my way through knotty problems, imagine like crazy, and totally change my experience of the world with a few thoughts.

In my training, we called it “reframing” and that’s a fine term. Basically, it’s changing our point of view. Cultivating our imagination superpower will change our whole freakin’ life.

Feeling glum because I got scolded at work today for a mistake? I can work it and work it until I am depressed and pissed off, resentful, and bitter. And I can go home, bring it in with me, and take it out on my loved ones, stomping and moping all evening, maybe even getting wasted because I “deserve it.” Then, I wake up feeling crappy because I over-indulged, and still cranky. I wonder what kind of a day I will have?

Feeling glum because I got scolded at work today for a mistake? Well, mistakes, happen. I will correct it tomorrow, and let that glum go, because I have a pretty decent job, and pals to chat with on the bus, and enjoyable plans for my evening. I get to go home to my cozy house full of my loved ones, and life is good, and I sleep like a top. I wonder what kind of a day I will have?

How have I changed from feeling buffeted by my feelings, to being on top of them?

You may already be good at this. I sure wasn’t. I thought my feelings were kind of fixed. I thought they were True. And I certainly didn’t get the difference between feelings and emotions. Emotions are the physical manifestation of my thoughts. Feelings are the moosh of emotions and thoughts that I have been running and running, often based on mis-learnings through my whole life.

What makes me the boss of my thoughts?

Feeling comfortable, enjoying my life, making room for luck; these are things in my control. I get there by using my super powers of imagination, choice, and action! Wahoo!

Three little things to do, and I can change my life. Instead of focusing on the things that drive me crazy, or annoy the pants off me, I can notice the things I love about my job, I love about my family, I love about my home. Instead of hating my commute, I can turn it into valuable time for reading audio books, learning my music, or a new language, or use it to practice stillness.

I can use my super powers to turn my focus to what is so great about my life. to put my problems in perspective, to choose to act and feel like a grownup rather than a tantrum-y toddler.

What makes my life meaningful? Why do I love my life? How do I enjoy?

When I can imagine the gloriousness that is my life right now, when I can see my life without all my negative emotional judgments, I feel fortunate. Feeling fortunate makes me feel grateful. Feeling grateful makes me appreciate what I have. Appreciating what I have feels luxurious. I like feeling luxurious.

How have I changed from bitching about the ring to appreciating the toilet?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11222013