Choosing the Doing

Choosing the Doing

Two cards popped this morning. Why do I like what I do? Why am I celebrated?

Well, that’s certainly a powerful set o’ Questions, isn’t it!

These are relatively new experiences for me. I know you aren’t surprised to hear that. Of course, I had things I liked to do, but they weren’t my occupation. I often hated what I was doing, even when I got my dream jobs.

We get ideas about how things go. We learn as small children by watching our adults. We learn that work is satisfying, or contemptible. We learn that we have to work jobs we hate, or we get to work jobs we love. We learn that co-workers are an important part of our emotional life, or that they are a burden to be carried and suffered. We are, for the most part, unaware of these made-up rules of employment, but we find that every job we go to has the same set up. Fancy that.

These notions, arbitrary, based on observation by our baby minds, turn into fixed delusions. And because they are delusions, as we do our daily lives, we don’t even see that they are just made up ideas.

One of the things I learned in High School was about doing critiques. All a critique is, is coming up with a line of bullshit and finding stuff to support it. Useful, cynical. And that’s what a fixed delusion is, a pile of made-up stuff that we then spend a lifetime finding stuff to support. We actually live a lot of our lives doing that. It’s the filtering thing.

We have to filter in order to function in the world. There is simply too much information available at any given time.

What makes me decide? How do I choose? Why can I slow down?

When I give myself permission to slow down, to start to notice what my patterns are, to consider the notion of fixed delusions, I begin to choose freedom.

How do I feel when I am free? Why can I decide? How do I find solutions?

When I notice that my ideas about work match the ideas one of my adults from my childhood expressed, and they weren’t good, I have a little wiggle room. When I see how my notions about relationships with co-workers do the same thing, I have a bit more wiggle room. I also have an arsenal. I have free will that can I exercise. I can unchoose the mislearnings of my past. I have Creative Questions.

Why do I like what I do? How do I know my efforts have value? Why do I enjoy my work environment? What makes me appreciated?

By taking responsibility for the quality of my work life, I have a sense of control. I know I get to choose my attitude. I understand that when I’m being pissy at work, I’m operating from a fixed delusion. I get to change that, and I know that making that shift will make things better for me, and for you, my co-worker, which is how I am responsible to you.

How have I changed from hating my job to loving what I do?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03192014

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Singing Our Praises

Singing Our Praises

I would like to apologize for being such a bad compliment acceptor back when. I really had no idea, and they made me happy and very uncomfortable.

Back when, I felt pretty much like the only attention I could garner was negative attention. I believed that so strongly that when I won awards and stuff, I managed to arrange to accept them alone, with no celebrations, no community to be proud with me. And then I got to feel all martyr-y. Yay.

So, I realized that I needed to change that belief. I needed to find a way to accept positive attention, to enjoy being celebrated and praised, to be acknowledged for good, rather than complaints.

I started by learning how to accept a compliment. Hooboy, that took some effort for someone who shoved them away as fast as you could dish them out. “Say ‘thank you’ and shut up,” said my teacher. On the one hand, it was very challenging. I remember digging my nails into my palms after saying “thank you” so that I wouldn’t add a disclaimer, like “it was really easy for me” or “This old thing? I got it on super sale at Goodwill” or “someone else would have done it better.”

Why am I praised? What make me appreciated? How am I approved of?

A dear friend was saying to me that we could benefit by focusing on self-compassion more than on self-esteem and this is one way to do that.

There are things that we do for each other that are little gifts we give. When we offer to help, that’s a little gift. I used to push that away, too, but now, I always try to find something I could use a bit of help with. I know how I feel when I offer help, and how useful I feel when it is accepted. A compliment is a lot like that. It is a little gift you offer me.

When I started just saying, “thank you,” I didn’t know what to do with the compliment. Now that I had it, did I stick it in a drawer or a file? My teacher suggested that I imagine the words of it written on a card framed by a color I really liked. That when I got some time to myself, I should pull it out and savor it. Another thing that is worth the effort.

I find myself paying compliments a lot these days. If I see you wearing something I like, I just blurt it out. So, sometimes a compliment is just me uttering a happy, passing thought. Sometimes, however, I want to tell you nice things I think about you, about how smart you are, and how I see you taking care with people. Or about your creativity, or solution-finding skills, and gentleness. Or about your wisdom about the world, or how interesting you are.

The point is, knowing you makes my life nicer. I appreciate that. Because I appreciate that, I want to share that nice feeling with you.

How to I feel complimented? How do I feel valued? Why am I appreciated?

This topic is a work-in-progress for me, as it taps into my Personal Doubt, but, with Creative Questions and practice, I’m much better at feeling appreciated and approved of.

How have I changed from feeling condemned and bad to feeling celebrated and praised?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 03032014

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And the Winner is...

And the Winner is...

How do I celebrate? What makes me commemorate? Why do I feast? How do I revel?

A while back one of my dear friends started posting a list of things she appreciated each day. I loved seeing her lists and fun comments. She kept it up through some really serious stuff in her life, and talked about what a difference it made.

She’s so right.

So, the question is, how do I celebrate? When we celebrate, it’s like we are having an appreciation party. We appreciate the amazing things, events, or people in our lives. As I have been practicing appreciating more, I find that I feel surrounded by luxury, I revel in my activities, I feel good about the people I surround myself with.

The more fun I have celebrating, in big ways and little, the easier it is for me to remember to celebrate. The more I celebrate the circumstances of my life, the easier it is for me to feel like I can be celebrated, too.

For some of us, this is really easy. For others, it’s challenging. We find ourselves feeling resentful of others being honored, finding reasons why we think they do not deserve it. We can get focused on them, and forget that we are responsible for our feelings. When we do that, sometimes we are tapping into our feelings of unworthiness. Sometimes we feel like we are invisible, or taken for granted, or that our efforts are discounted.

How am I approved of? How do I approve of me? How do I feel when I feel honored?

Our sense of unworthiness is based on mislearnings. We may find that we were told as children that we didn’t deserve stuff. We may have mislearned that appreciation is capricious. We may have decided that we are unlucky. When we start looking, we can often find our patterns of unworthiness; being passed over for this or that.  Sometimes, identifying those mislearings can be challenging, but we can make a lot of headway by using Creative Questions.

How do I promote myself? What makes me get credit? Why do I own my accomplishments?

When I am in the middle of feeling unworthy, I will discount my own efforts. I will take for granted my own abilities. I will ignore my contributions. I may also have some ideas about how you should be acting, that is, you should be paying attention to what I am doing without me telling you, you should be aware of all my whatevers, you really should.

When I am in the middle of feeling unworthy, I may surround myself with people who agree with me. They will promote my unworthiness for me. Aren’t they wonderful to cooperate with me so well, just they way I want them to, or at least the way my unconscious mind wants them to.

Why do I deserve respect? What makes me honorable? How do I accept appreciation?

Sometimes, we are easily able to feel appreciate in this aspect of our lives, but not in that one. By taking the time time to notice how we think about it, to notice who we blame, or what we are mad or resentful about, we can go a long way to unchoosing unappreciative feelings, and allow our natural state of feeling celebrated come to the fore.

How have I changed from feeling disapproval to feeling honored?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01222014

It’s All Your Fault

It’s All Your Fault

I have a bit of a romantic fancy; sometimes I feel like there is an ebb and flow, a waxing and waning all around us, bigger than the tug from the moon, like the Universe inhales and exhales, tossing me around like a leaf in the wind, or a pebble in a running brook. Like I said, a bit of a romantic notion.

And then I remember that John Wheeler quote about how the only law is the law that there is no law in quantum physics, and that I create my world through my beliefs and filters, and if I am feeling constricted, I am doing the constraining. I am responsible for how I feel.

Dang. Why can I choose?

It seems like it would be so much easier to blame it all on you. Your bad behavior, your immaturity, your callousness. But even there, the quality of your behavior is based on my judgement. You don’t disappoint me, my expectations of you disappoint me. I am responsible for my relationship to you.

Dang. Why am I responsible?

If I wanna live a nice life, all the way through, it’s up to me. If I want to feel honored and respected instead of taken for granted and abused, I have to change that within me. I am the center of my personal universe, and if I don’t like it, I’m the only one who can change it.

Dang. Why do I approve of me?

If I don’t approve of me, no matter how much you do, I won’t feel it. If I don’t acknowledge myself, no matter how much you do, I won’t feel it. If I don’t respect me, well, you see the pattern here.

Why would I respect myself? Why do I choose to honor myself? Why do I own my achievements?

I need to remember that the Universe, if you will, doesn’t do stuff to me, it does stuff for me. Events, circumstances, situations, all appear in my life for the purpose of helping me grow. I get opportunities to learn more about me, to recognize, own, and modify my own bad behaviors, to mitigate my own immaturity, to soften my callousness.

When I am tight, constricted, restrained, clenched, not much can get in or out. It’s easy for me to feel bad because I’ve made my system static, like a stagnant pond, we get stinky, and filled with all sorts of weird stuff feeding on our tight.

Why do I choose to relax? What makes me trust? Why am I safe to be soft?

As we change our ideas and attitudes about ourselves, as we clean up our emo crud, as we practice our new behaviors and beliefs, our lives get nicer. They get bigger. We get more, more love, more satisfaction, more joy. As we come to appreciate and respect ourselves, we can experience it more from the outside in.

How have I changed from blaming you for my life to honoring myself and my accomplishments?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01092014

Secondary Gains

Secondary Gains

We are so interesting, us people. Because each of us is unique, we have endless differences and similarities to explore. Some of those are wonderful, some are tragic, or scary, or fill us with love and comfort.

We are all human. That’s the bottom line.

I recently learned that one of my communities is behaving poorly, and others are noticing. Got me thinking, like stuff does.

Not Creative Questions, but good questions, nonetheless: What kind of example am I setting? What roles am I modeling? When I am behaving badly, what do I get out of it?

Yeah, I don’t much like that last one, either, but since I am committed to knowing myself, I have to look at that stuff.

Secondary gains. That’s what we get when we are misbehaving and know we shouldn’t. It can be challenging and embarrassing to look that clearly at ourselves, but it is also the only way I know of to shed those behaviors.

Most of us like to feel celebrated, like to feel honored. We like to feel proud of ourselves, and that we are a contribution to our communities, from our families to our countries and world. Sometimes, we feel arrogant; better, smarter, more worthy, or deserving. Sometimes we feel the opposite; worse, dumber, less worthy in a weird and punishing way. Neither one feels good.

How do I know I am good enough? What makes me respect myself? Why do I choose to know me? How do I know I am safe to know me?

When I encounter one of those times, being better or less than you, I need to stop. I need to regroup. I usually need to relax something, my body, my feelings, or a notion I have.

When I find myself indulging in one of those behaviors that feel shamefully fun, I try to take a step back, and at the very least, stop. It can often feel really fun at the time, but then I feel bad after. It’s often not worth it to me in the long run.

Secondary gains are interesting. It may be the case that we feel relief from built up, inside psychic or emotional pressure. It may be the case that we feel connected by doing the same things as our friends. It may be the case that we feel elevated, or better than. It may be the case that we feel included, or noble, or self-sacrificing. We each have our own, special list.

Since I want to grow up, I have these topics to address. I will notice when I feel guilty. Is there something I need to do, or do I simply need to let it go? I will notice when I am worrying. Is there something I need to do, or do I just let it go? I will notice when I am doing something that brings secondary gains, and I will stop, and shift my behavior.

I believe that when I learn the lesson, the situation will change automatically. It’s all for me. From your POV, it’s all for you, the Universe providing us with what we need to become our very best selves.

How have I changed from indulging in childish behaviors to choosing to enjoy being a grownup?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12292013

Are You a Limelight Ducker?

Are You a Limelight Ducker?

Here’s to you and all your amazing accomplishments! Here’s to you and all the kindnesses you do that no one knows about! Here’s to you and your loving heart, the difficult choices you make that are for the best, and all the times you have set your desires aside to help your loved ones with theirs. You are amazing.

How are you these days with enjoying some nice attention? How are you with being acknowledged? Do you let people praise you publicly, or do you duck away? Do you own your accomplishments, or shoo them off with a swish of your hand?

Some of us seem to be attention hungry, applying for awards, demanding attention, always scrabbling for it, never feeling it inside. Or maybe we get a little high off the attention, but never feel the sense of satisfaction, of appreciation, of connection. Poor we.

Some of us do and do and never really get acknowledged. We might feel like “they” don’t appreciate us, or “they” don’t care about what we do, but the truth is that we are really powerful, and have an almost magical control over that sort of thing.

Sometimes, we get resentful, and blame-y and use those feeling to justify all sorts of unsavory behaviors. “They made me. No one cares anyway. It’s their fault.”

Oy.

You can’t acknowledge me unless I allow it.

If I have some ideas that I am not worthy, or don’t deserve celebration; if I have some idea that no one cares about what I do; if I have some idea that attention is bad, or that something bad will happen to me if I get attention; I’m right.

That’s how it works.

Why do I enjoy being celebrated? How do I receive accolades? What makes me enjoy the party in my honor?

We live together; families, neighborhoods, communities, workplaces. One of the many ways we bond together, to support and nurture each other, is to celebrate each other. But that breaks down a bit when I refuse it.

Why do I choose to be celebrated? Why would enjoy acknowledgement? Why am I safe to be honored?

When we are living our natural lives, lives of joy and abundance, of peace and bliss, we feel satisfaction for what we do, and satisfaction for how we help each other. When we deny ourselves celebration, we are denying our community a fundamental tool for bonding. We enjoy more intimacy when we allow ourselves to be celebrated, with our partner, with our friends, with all our people. Intimacy, trust, compassion, gratitude, appreciation.  Oh, yeah.

By choosing to allow myself to be celebrated, I am choosing to strengthen all my relationships.

How have I changed from ducking the limelight to enjoying being celebrated?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 10202013