Why Can’t I Make That Horse Drink!

Why Can’t I Make That Horse Drink!

On, off, in, out, over, under, to, for; prepositions are amazing. We place things with them, not only out in the world, but inside, too. Curiously, we often misuse them in our inner world, especially when it comes to responsibility.

We often take responsibility for things that aren’t ours to take, and then aren’t being responsible to the things we should.

To and For.

I am responsible for my well-being. I am responsible for my moods, my behavior, my choices, my actions. For.

I am responsible to you. If you are in my care, I am responsible to take good care of you. I am responsible to provide a decent, loving environment, to keep you safe to a reasonable degree, to provide shelter, wholesome food, medical care if you need it. I am not responsible for what you do with all of that.

We confuse responsibility to and responsibility for.

I can lead a horse to water (being responsible to) but I can’t make him drink (being responsible for.) Yes, I know, it’s kind of silly, but it’s amazing how many of us don’t get it, and think that we are responsible for the happiness or misery of others.

That’s the deep truth. Deep truth is that I am innocent, spirit is pure, and because it is divine, it is unstainable. Wow. What does that mean about guilt?

Well, it means that we acquire guilt as we go along. It serves a good purpose when we use it properly, but a lot of us don’t. And we end up feeling like we are bad, irredeemable. So then, because we are actually good, we feel awful, and drive ourselves crazy trying to compensate for how awful we are.

We might go a couple ways, with variations. We might say the heck with it, and just go to seed trying to prove that we are tainted, guilty, bad. We might say it’s a lie, and bend over backwards trying to prove that we are good, believing the whole while we are bad, and so feel like we are lying, and, well, there you go. If that’s not a double bind, I don’t know what is.

Sometimes we do both, chronic misbehaving, and chronic do-gooding. Man, that sounds exhausting just thinking about it, much less living it. And of course, I can’t sleep well because I am worried about getting caught, or anxious about what I can do to try to make up for how awful I am.

How could I be innocent? Why would I be pure? What makes me connect with my sacred self?

When I can take a little bit of time to slow down inside, to unclench my feelings, to unclench my body, to soften into my natural self, my natural life, I can find my innocence, my divine being, my pure core. I can let go of the guilt, make amends as I may need to, and let go some more.

I can surrender to my innocence.

How have I changed from living in the tight space of guilt to finding freedom in my innocence?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03312014

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Choosing the Doing

Choosing the Doing

Two cards popped this morning. Why do I like what I do? Why am I celebrated?

Well, that’s certainly a powerful set o’ Questions, isn’t it!

These are relatively new experiences for me. I know you aren’t surprised to hear that. Of course, I had things I liked to do, but they weren’t my occupation. I often hated what I was doing, even when I got my dream jobs.

We get ideas about how things go. We learn as small children by watching our adults. We learn that work is satisfying, or contemptible. We learn that we have to work jobs we hate, or we get to work jobs we love. We learn that co-workers are an important part of our emotional life, or that they are a burden to be carried and suffered. We are, for the most part, unaware of these made-up rules of employment, but we find that every job we go to has the same set up. Fancy that.

These notions, arbitrary, based on observation by our baby minds, turn into fixed delusions. And because they are delusions, as we do our daily lives, we don’t even see that they are just made up ideas.

One of the things I learned in High School was about doing critiques. All a critique is, is coming up with a line of bullshit and finding stuff to support it. Useful, cynical. And that’s what a fixed delusion is, a pile of made-up stuff that we then spend a lifetime finding stuff to support. We actually live a lot of our lives doing that. It’s the filtering thing.

We have to filter in order to function in the world. There is simply too much information available at any given time.

What makes me decide? How do I choose? Why can I slow down?

When I give myself permission to slow down, to start to notice what my patterns are, to consider the notion of fixed delusions, I begin to choose freedom.

How do I feel when I am free? Why can I decide? How do I find solutions?

When I notice that my ideas about work match the ideas one of my adults from my childhood expressed, and they weren’t good, I have a little wiggle room. When I see how my notions about relationships with co-workers do the same thing, I have a bit more wiggle room. I also have an arsenal. I have free will that can I exercise. I can unchoose the mislearnings of my past. I have Creative Questions.

Why do I like what I do? How do I know my efforts have value? Why do I enjoy my work environment? What makes me appreciated?

By taking responsibility for the quality of my work life, I have a sense of control. I know I get to choose my attitude. I understand that when I’m being pissy at work, I’m operating from a fixed delusion. I get to change that, and I know that making that shift will make things better for me, and for you, my co-worker, which is how I am responsible to you.

How have I changed from hating my job to loving what I do?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03192014

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Just Saying No

Just Saying No

I love it when two cards hop out from the deck. Today, the Why am I admired? and the Why am I authentic? cards popped out together.

How many of us think that if we showed our authentic self, not only would we not be admired, but even that no one would love us. Sometimes, we don’t even know that’s how we feel, we have it pushed down so far. We are barely aware of putting on a persona. Like me.

Learning to show my authentic self took me a while, and it was kind of scary in the beginning. I was used to people-pleasing. Do you know about people-pleasing? It’s a powerful emotional toxin. It’s poison to our self-esteem, death to our integrity, and makes us feel like a phoney in no time at all.

When we are people-pleasing, saying “no” feels dangerous and impossible. The more we say “yes” when we mean “no” the more we stop trusting ourselves, the more we resent ourselves, and can even end up hating ourselves. and certainly not liking the people who are making those demands on us.

We can end up feeling taken advantage of, being passive aggressive, we may even feel invisible. we may wonder why people treat us like crap when we are always so nice.

Why am I real? What makes me authentic? Why am I admired? What makes me feel celebrated?

If I am going to grow up, I need to let go of my people pleasing tendencies. I will have to choose to believe that I am as worthwhile as the people in my life I’m trying to please. I will have to make up some new boundaries that respect me.

I will have to take a leap of faith.

Why do I trust? How do I know the Universe will support me? Why can I choose?

Those leaps of faith, when we decide we will do what we need to do to save ourselves, are a big deal. It feels like taking a running jump into the Grand Canyon without a net, but I can tell you, in my experience, I’ve never seen someone take one of those leaps to grow up unsuccessfully.

As we stop agreeing to do things we don’t really want to do, we have time to do things that bring us joy. That can take a little getting used to. We will also find that the people who actually did take advantage of us kind of go away.

How am I respectful to me? What makes me treat me kindly? How am I responsible to you?

I am responsible for my well being. I cannot make you happy, healthy, sober, fun, or kind, no matter what I do. I can do those things for me, and that will change my relationships. I am responsible for my well being, but I am responsible to you. I am responsible for telling you how I really am, for setting respectful boundaries with you, for making promises I mean, and doing my best to keep them. I am responsible to you by treating our plans respectfully, showing up on time, or letting you know if I’m going to stand you up.

How have I changed from people-pleasing to owning my own mind?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03162014

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The Secret Name Game

The Secret Name Game

I’ve been thinking about about limits lately. “The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.” (Wittgenstein)

We get notions. We get ideas. We decide stuff about who we are, how we are, what our lives are like, what we might expect. If you hold your fingers up and almost pinch your thumb and forefinger, that’s about how much room we give ourselves to be ourselves.

We are divine and infinite beings. That sounds all romantic and pretty, but what does it mean when we get down to those shiny brass tacks? Limits. Edges. Stopping points. Can’t-do.

John Wheeler, the quantum physicist, said, “The only law is the law that there is no law.”  There are places where the laws of physics don’t hold.

Right, so, blah blah blah. Get to the point.

Okay, you infinite being, you, stop putting those constraining limits on yourself. Take some time to think about what you could accomplish if you weren’t scared.

Fear is often the thing that keeps our fingers pinched in that little allowance we give ourselves to be capable in.

How would I feel if I were unafraid? (That’s not a good Creative Question because the word “unafraid” is a negative, but I want you to see the direction we are going in.) How do I feel when I trust in me? How do I feel when I know I can? How do I feel when I level up?

When we start thinking about what we might want to accomplish or achieve beyond our current limits, we start adding wiggle room. When we decide that we want to step up our experience, to live a bigger life, we begin to make tiny changes in our choices, in our behavior, and our life starts to shift. We begin to find opportunities to challenge ourselves, a different flavor of responsibility, a new shade of commitment.

Why do I choose to be more than I think I am?

I think a big reason we stay close to where we are is being attached to the persona our name brings up for us. We ourselves become a loop of habit. So I like to disrupt that with a game I call the Secret Name of the Day.

I make up a name, and ask myself, how do I feel when I am X? I notice the differences, and if I like ‘em I push on ‘em for a while. It is amazing when I really let myself go there. I find qualities in those other names I don’t much have with this one. Once I’ve felt them, my Pam self can take them on. It’s a fascinating game, and I have found my way out from a lot of stuck places by playing it.

I used to be afraid of being responsible, being capable and competent. I thought it meant that I would never have any fun, just have to work all the time. Instead, I find that I have more fun, more joy shows up in unlikely places, I can really relax, I have a peaceful core.

How have I changed from my limited self to allowing my divine infinite being the room she wants?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01042014