Owning My Own Self

Owning My Own Self

In the yore days, I was terrified most of the time. One of the things that frightened me the most was the fear that you would catch me out, that you would discover that I was a fraud. I would look at what seemed to be your perfect life, and look at my insides with all my insecurities and fears and failings and wonder how on earth I would ever make it through a day without being caught.

Why am I authentic? How do I know I am the real thing?

So many of us feel like phonies. For some of us, the more we achieve, the more fraudulent we feel. The more we know, it seems, the more we feel like we are pretending.

In the yore days, I didn’t know how to do a lot of stuff; I saw other people doing things that I needed to do. How to be a grownup was a total mystery. I didn’t know what to do, so I pretended I was someone else, usually Kate Hepburn.  If that got me what I wanted, like the job, then I would feel awful.

What if they found out that I wasn’t Kate Hepburn?

Answering this question eventually led me to invent the Secret Name (c) game. What I discovered was that calling myself by a different name made me feel different; it gave me access to confidence in abilities I discounted when I was “Pam.” Calling myself by a different name could make me feel more resourceful. Calling myself Kate Hepburn inside wasn’t being deceitful, it was helping me to realize my potential.

How am I resourceful? What makes me creative? Why am I a good problem-solver?

One of the ways we make ourselves miserable is by comparing our inside lives to what we see of others’ outside lives. We don’t consider the fact that we only see slivers of their lives, we don’t consider that we filter what we see through the filters of our experience and, perhaps, mislearning.

I don’t feel like a bamboozler anymore. It sort of crept up on me. One of the big helps were my wonderful teachers who talked about feeling like fakes themselves, and how that feeling would show up after big accomplishments. And how, as they learned to own their successes, that sense diminished. In fact, the more I talked about feeling like a phony, the more I heard from other people that they felt the same. And I heard wonderful stories about how they changed it.

In the before times, doing new stuff scared the heck out of me. I would feel sick, and often get sick. I would be totally self-conscious about everything, sure that the people I was going to be with would mark every flaw. Now, when I need to do something I haven’t done before, where I used to fake my way through and feel awful, I fake my way through and feel accomplished. It’s a change in POV. I assume that I will get along fine, that I will be seen as at least good enough, that I will do well enough. What a relief!

Feeling authentic is one of the joys of living our natural life. As we let go of feeling fake, as we own who we are with all our attendant stuff, we find ourselves effortlessly feeling authentic, able to step up to new activities, new accomplishments, new successes with a sense of excitement and fun instead of rank terror.

How have I changed from feeling like a fraud to owning my authentic self?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 10132015

Tinker Tailor Solider Spy

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Who do you think you are? I mean that as a question of assessment, not as a shaming question, one of the beat-me-up questions I shake at myself from time to time.

Who we think we are, the labels we attach to ourselves, are ideas we have about ourselves. Woman, mother, wife, worker, friend, volunteer, gardener, cook, painter, vixen, CEO, chauffeur; we all have lists that can be rather extensive or pretty short.

When we use labels, we may limit ourselves.  When we use labels, we have ideas that go along with those labels based on our past. That is kind of a mixed bag because those ideas set standards. If we call ourselves “mother” based on our own moms, we may be trying to measure up to an idealized memory, or to avoid behaviors that caused us pain.

We may do the same with our preconceived ideas about work, or friendship, how a garden should look, and so on.

When we know what we are basing our ideas on, they are tools. When we don’t, we may end up feeling bad, trying to measure up to that unconscious standard.

Why am I authentic? How am I the real thing? What makes me, me?

If I am feeling frustrated with my activity, I might want to check inside to see if I have preconceived ideas about what I’m doing, if I have a label attached. Am I doing my best? How much do I care about the task?

Sometimes, I may have the thought that something needs to be done perfectly, and that, surprisingly, can stop me dead in my tracks. I may feel like I don’t have the time it would take to get it done that particular way, or that I couldn’t manage it, and so the task remains undone.

As I bring those unconscious ideas up to the surface, I get to make decisions about them. I get to choose what feels right for me, not right for my idea of what satisfies that label. I take the best care I can of my babies, rather than trying to be the best mom. I learned that I had to make the house perfect back in the day, and hated it. Now, I go for good enough, and have come to love making things sparkle.

Why am I good enough? How do I know my own mind? Why can I choose?

I find that, for me, from time to time, I like to sit down and make a list of my labels, everything I can think of, as fast as I can go. It has often been surprising to see what shows up on that list.

Once I have it, I can think about what each label means to me, decide if I like it, decide if I want to keep it, or modify it, or what it means to me. The more I have played with these ideas, the more I have looked at what goes into them,  the more they serve me, the less I serve them.

I find that I make choices to do things because I want to instead of to satisfy something buried deep inside, and my time is much more contentedly spent, regardless of the activity.

How have I changed from satisfying a label to being my authentic self?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 05252014

                                              

Sorry Sorry Sorry

Sorry Sorry Sorry

One of the nicest things that has happened as I choose grown up is that I can be myself. I know that some of you just get it, you are yourselves, and you’ve always been yourself. I learned at a very young age that being myself wasn’t safe for me, and that I was fundamentally repellent. Poor little me. Can you say, “mislearning?”

I learned how to people-please, you know, when you put their stuff before yours, when you do things you don’t  like all the time. When you think that people are better than you, so you want to get them to like you. You set aside your needs, and then throw a coat over them to pretend you don’t have any.

I didn’t dare say “no” to you. I didn’t dare say “I want this.” At the same time, the closer you were to me, the more I neglected you. How sad is that.

Nothing was ever very satisfying, because I held me back. I was so focussed on you, half the time I couldn’t tell you even if I liked something. I watched you like a hawk on a mouse, looking for disapproval. I found it, too, even when it wasn’t there, and I took every single thing personally.

People pleasing is exhausting.

Why am I the real deal? What makes me authentic? How am I genuine?

As I chose to respect me more, I stopped trying to please you. I stopped trying to keep you from getting pissed, or disappointed, or scared from fear of how you would treat me. I started to say, “no.”

I noticed what my favorite colors were. Why can I choose?

I stopped saying “sorry” all the time. That might be the single most apparent thing about being a people pleaser, the almost constant repetition of the word, “sorry.” And when people tell us we say sorry too much, we say, you got it, “sorry!” When I am feeling apologetic for my very existence, I am not going to enjoy much of anything. I will often find ways to medicate my bad feelings through drugs or alcohol, or video games, or genre novels. As I stopped feeling apologetic for my existence, as I started to own my value, my need to medicate diminished.

I found satisfaction in my tasks. Why do I like what I do?

As I chose to trust in me, trust in the universe, I found that I could trust in you. Most of us want to do the right thing. Most of us would rather the people around us be authentic. Most of us are decent, and so my trust in you pays off.

I found support in surprising places. How could I feel supported?

Now I choose to pacify from time to time. It’s often because I see a greater good coming from that choice, rather than from a fear of incurring your wrath if I don’t.

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04122014

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Just Saying No

Just Saying No

I love it when two cards hop out from the deck. Today, the Why am I admired? and the Why am I authentic? cards popped out together.

How many of us think that if we showed our authentic self, not only would we not be admired, but even that no one would love us. Sometimes, we don’t even know that’s how we feel, we have it pushed down so far. We are barely aware of putting on a persona. Like me.

Learning to show my authentic self took me a while, and it was kind of scary in the beginning. I was used to people-pleasing. Do you know about people-pleasing? It’s a powerful emotional toxin. It’s poison to our self-esteem, death to our integrity, and makes us feel like a phoney in no time at all.

When we are people-pleasing, saying “no” feels dangerous and impossible. The more we say “yes” when we mean “no” the more we stop trusting ourselves, the more we resent ourselves, and can even end up hating ourselves. and certainly not liking the people who are making those demands on us.

We can end up feeling taken advantage of, being passive aggressive, we may even feel invisible. we may wonder why people treat us like crap when we are always so nice.

Why am I real? What makes me authentic? Why am I admired? What makes me feel celebrated?

If I am going to grow up, I need to let go of my people pleasing tendencies. I will have to choose to believe that I am as worthwhile as the people in my life I’m trying to please. I will have to make up some new boundaries that respect me.

I will have to take a leap of faith.

Why do I trust? How do I know the Universe will support me? Why can I choose?

Those leaps of faith, when we decide we will do what we need to do to save ourselves, are a big deal. It feels like taking a running jump into the Grand Canyon without a net, but I can tell you, in my experience, I’ve never seen someone take one of those leaps to grow up unsuccessfully.

As we stop agreeing to do things we don’t really want to do, we have time to do things that bring us joy. That can take a little getting used to. We will also find that the people who actually did take advantage of us kind of go away.

How am I respectful to me? What makes me treat me kindly? How am I responsible to you?

I am responsible for my well being. I cannot make you happy, healthy, sober, fun, or kind, no matter what I do. I can do those things for me, and that will change my relationships. I am responsible for my well being, but I am responsible to you. I am responsible for telling you how I really am, for setting respectful boundaries with you, for making promises I mean, and doing my best to keep them. I am responsible to you by treating our plans respectfully, showing up on time, or letting you know if I’m going to stand you up.

How have I changed from people-pleasing to owning my own mind?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03162014

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Is it Really You?

Is it Really You?

The topic of our being divine and infinite beings has been up a lot lately. We are so much more than we think we are, we are capable of so much more than we think we can do, we have such a great capacity for love and being loved, for compassion and being supported. We have miraculously creative minds, an infinite depth of spirit, an infinite capacity for joy.

Our core selves are really neato. Only thing is, we accrete all this crud separating ourselves from that self. So much of that crud is trauma from when we were little that we don’t even remember, but it set up a series of beliefs that we use to live our lives.

It’s time to shed our fixed delusions. How do I know I am good enough? Why am I right? What makes me choose for me?

One of the fixed delusions many of us have is the idea that we have to hide our true selves or no one will like us.

Searching out our fixed delusions is pretty easy. Look for your stuff that starts with “I never,” or “I always” and then continues with something sad or bad. You may find ‘em filed under “I don’t,” or “I can’t.” Look for thoughts that make your feelings sink.

We create our limits, and then use those made-up limits to define ourselves.

Poor we.

How do I choose to support me? What makes me treat me with kindness and respect? Why am I patient with my foibles?

Choosing our authentic self requires an initial outlay of courage and trust. Most of the really awesome things do. But once we’ve made that choice, life gets easier, life gets nicer. A lot nicer. Not pretending saves a lot of energy. We can use that energy to do fun stuff, or satisfying stuff, stuff to support our families or communities.

Choosing our authentic self makes room in our lives for us to breathe. When we aren’t trying to keep up some sort of shell around us all the time, we can relax. As we relax, it becomes easier to let our life flow, we don’t get stuck as often or for as long. We see more beauty, we find more enjoyment, the sun is sunnier.

Sometimes we think we are unlovable. Sometimes we think that if people saw our real selves they would shun us. Fixed delusions. We are all, at our core, lovable. You are so lovable.

Sometimes we think that we have to fix everything around us, and then we will be happy. We can’t. It’s like trying to breathe all the air. What we can do is take care of our own stuff. As we do that, we make subtle shifts in our behavior and that makes the people around us shift, too. Sometimes, they shift closer to us, and cleaner, and sometimes they may shift away.

Sometimes we take stuff personally, and think we are being shunned, or people are mean to us because we aren’t good enough, or lovable, you know, that kind of thing.  It’s not personal. Or everything is personal. However it goes, choose to do something else rather than suffer with it.

How have I changed from hiding my real self to stepping out and showing up?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01052014