Sorry Sorry Sorry

Sorry Sorry Sorry

One of the nicest things that has happened as I choose grown up is that I can be myself. I know that some of you just get it, you are yourselves, and you’ve always been yourself. I learned at a very young age that being myself wasn’t safe for me, and that I was fundamentally repellent. Poor little me. Can you say, “mislearning?”

I learned how to people-please, you know, when you put their stuff before yours, when you do things you don’t  like all the time. When you think that people are better than you, so you want to get them to like you. You set aside your needs, and then throw a coat over them to pretend you don’t have any.

I didn’t dare say “no” to you. I didn’t dare say “I want this.” At the same time, the closer you were to me, the more I neglected you. How sad is that.

Nothing was ever very satisfying, because I held me back. I was so focussed on you, half the time I couldn’t tell you even if I liked something. I watched you like a hawk on a mouse, looking for disapproval. I found it, too, even when it wasn’t there, and I took every single thing personally.

People pleasing is exhausting.

Why am I the real deal? What makes me authentic? How am I genuine?

As I chose to respect me more, I stopped trying to please you. I stopped trying to keep you from getting pissed, or disappointed, or scared from fear of how you would treat me. I started to say, “no.”

I noticed what my favorite colors were. Why can I choose?

I stopped saying “sorry” all the time. That might be the single most apparent thing about being a people pleaser, the almost constant repetition of the word, “sorry.” And when people tell us we say sorry too much, we say, you got it, “sorry!” When I am feeling apologetic for my very existence, I am not going to enjoy much of anything. I will often find ways to medicate my bad feelings through drugs or alcohol, or video games, or genre novels. As I stopped feeling apologetic for my existence, as I started to own my value, my need to medicate diminished.

I found satisfaction in my tasks. Why do I like what I do?

As I chose to trust in me, trust in the universe, I found that I could trust in you. Most of us want to do the right thing. Most of us would rather the people around us be authentic. Most of us are decent, and so my trust in you pays off.

I found support in surprising places. How could I feel supported?

Now I choose to pacify from time to time. It’s often because I see a greater good coming from that choice, rather than from a fear of incurring your wrath if I don’t.

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04122014

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Just Saying No

Just Saying No

I love it when two cards hop out from the deck. Today, the Why am I admired? and the Why am I authentic? cards popped out together.

How many of us think that if we showed our authentic self, not only would we not be admired, but even that no one would love us. Sometimes, we don’t even know that’s how we feel, we have it pushed down so far. We are barely aware of putting on a persona. Like me.

Learning to show my authentic self took me a while, and it was kind of scary in the beginning. I was used to people-pleasing. Do you know about people-pleasing? It’s a powerful emotional toxin. It’s poison to our self-esteem, death to our integrity, and makes us feel like a phoney in no time at all.

When we are people-pleasing, saying “no” feels dangerous and impossible. The more we say “yes” when we mean “no” the more we stop trusting ourselves, the more we resent ourselves, and can even end up hating ourselves. and certainly not liking the people who are making those demands on us.

We can end up feeling taken advantage of, being passive aggressive, we may even feel invisible. we may wonder why people treat us like crap when we are always so nice.

Why am I real? What makes me authentic? Why am I admired? What makes me feel celebrated?

If I am going to grow up, I need to let go of my people pleasing tendencies. I will have to choose to believe that I am as worthwhile as the people in my life I’m trying to please. I will have to make up some new boundaries that respect me.

I will have to take a leap of faith.

Why do I trust? How do I know the Universe will support me? Why can I choose?

Those leaps of faith, when we decide we will do what we need to do to save ourselves, are a big deal. It feels like taking a running jump into the Grand Canyon without a net, but I can tell you, in my experience, I’ve never seen someone take one of those leaps to grow up unsuccessfully.

As we stop agreeing to do things we don’t really want to do, we have time to do things that bring us joy. That can take a little getting used to. We will also find that the people who actually did take advantage of us kind of go away.

How am I respectful to me? What makes me treat me kindly? How am I responsible to you?

I am responsible for my well being. I cannot make you happy, healthy, sober, fun, or kind, no matter what I do. I can do those things for me, and that will change my relationships. I am responsible for my well being, but I am responsible to you. I am responsible for telling you how I really am, for setting respectful boundaries with you, for making promises I mean, and doing my best to keep them. I am responsible to you by treating our plans respectfully, showing up on time, or letting you know if I’m going to stand you up.

How have I changed from people-pleasing to owning my own mind?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03162014

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Large and In Charge

Large and In Charge

One of the gazillion things I love about being a grownup is that, since I am just me, I never have to think about how to be. I assume you will like me, I assume we will get along, I don’t second guess what I’ve said to you, and I feel comfortable in my own skin. It wasn’t always like that.

So many of us feel like we are somehow not up to snuff. So we pretend we feel stuff we aren’t feeling. We pretend we are confident, we pretend not to be afraid, we pretend to like stuff, we pretend and pretend and pretend. Sadly, it’s not the fun kind of pretending, it ends up being almost desperate. We end up feeling exhausted, and like big fat fakes.

Poor we.

When we look to the outside world for our own authentication, we will always feel like we fall short.

The phrase I used to hear all the time was, “people pleasing.” We work so hard to try to make stuff nice for others, to make them like us. We work so hard to get them to think well of us, but the truth is, people can tell when we are faking it, even if they say otherwise, we get a feeling about it.

How do I know I’m the real deal?

In the dark ages, I desperately wanted someone to rescue me. I wanted someone to run my life for me, since I’d made such a mess of things. I tried so hard to be everything to everyone that I made myself sick. A lot. Just little things, you know; colds, tummy upsets, headaches, backaches, sore feet. I felt kind of bad most of the time.

When I decided to grow up, when I decided to turn to myself for my own approval, things started to change.

Why am I responsible for me?

I love that, the little thrill of anticipation we get when we are ready to make a good, big change in our lives. I love that we start getting results quickly when we take a step in the right direction.

When I was focused on trying to please you, I never noticed my self as a divine creation. It was pretty hard for me to notice much of anything.

When I stopped trying to please you, being aware, noticing what was going on around me, and within me, was so much easier.

When I stopped trying to please you, I found loads of things I was interested in. I discovered places I wanted to go. My own life got really interesting and fun.

Choosing to stop trying to please the outside world is huge. I end up with a sense of freedom. I end up with a sense of autonomy. I end up with a sense of my own power.

How have I changed from feeling like it’s all up to you to taking charge of my own self?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11112013