Large and In Charge

Large and In Charge

One of the gazillion things I love about being a grownup is that, since I am just me, I never have to think about how to be. I assume you will like me, I assume we will get along, I don’t second guess what I’ve said to you, and I feel comfortable in my own skin. It wasn’t always like that.

So many of us feel like we are somehow not up to snuff. So we pretend we feel stuff we aren’t feeling. We pretend we are confident, we pretend not to be afraid, we pretend to like stuff, we pretend and pretend and pretend. Sadly, it’s not the fun kind of pretending, it ends up being almost desperate. We end up feeling exhausted, and like big fat fakes.

Poor we.

When we look to the outside world for our own authentication, we will always feel like we fall short.

The phrase I used to hear all the time was, “people pleasing.” We work so hard to try to make stuff nice for others, to make them like us. We work so hard to get them to think well of us, but the truth is, people can tell when we are faking it, even if they say otherwise, we get a feeling about it.

How do I know I’m the real deal?

In the dark ages, I desperately wanted someone to rescue me. I wanted someone to run my life for me, since I’d made such a mess of things. I tried so hard to be everything to everyone that I made myself sick. A lot. Just little things, you know; colds, tummy upsets, headaches, backaches, sore feet. I felt kind of bad most of the time.

When I decided to grow up, when I decided to turn to myself for my own approval, things started to change.

Why am I responsible for me?

I love that, the little thrill of anticipation we get when we are ready to make a good, big change in our lives. I love that we start getting results quickly when we take a step in the right direction.

When I was focused on trying to please you, I never noticed my self as a divine creation. It was pretty hard for me to notice much of anything.

When I stopped trying to please you, being aware, noticing what was going on around me, and within me, was so much easier.

When I stopped trying to please you, I found loads of things I was interested in. I discovered places I wanted to go. My own life got really interesting and fun.

Choosing to stop trying to please the outside world is huge. I end up with a sense of freedom. I end up with a sense of autonomy. I end up with a sense of my own power.

How have I changed from feeling like it’s all up to you to taking charge of my own self?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11112013