That Bully, Past.

That Bully, Past.

Jacob Marley in Dicken’s masterpiece says, “I wear the chain I forged in life! I made it link by link and yard by yard! I gartered it on of my own free will and by my own free will, I wore it!”

Links of regret, links of resentment, links of ignored traumas, links of misery and suffering and cruel words said in anger.

Yeah. I was pretty weighted down by my chains, and I wasn’t even a clanking ghost.

And then I got sick of it. Carrying around all that past was hard work. I was exhausted. I ached and felt crappy most of the time. All the clanking and jangling ruined my sleep, and all those links came between me and a lot of nice stuff. I wanted a nice life.

I started to think that maybe I had a shot at a happy life. Maybe I could feel lighter, and less bitter. Maybe I could have friends I loved, who loved me back with kindness and fun. Maybe I could do interesting things instead of reading about other people doing interesting things. Maybe I could live a life I loved instead of slogging through.

Maybe.

I knew I had to choose it, and because I wore all those chains of the past, I had to choose it over and over. I still do, some days.

Sometimes, it’s one link at a time, prying it open, wiggling it free from the rest. Sometimes, I can dump a bunch at a time. Sometimes, it’s as easy as remembering that I choose to live easy, sometimes it has taken years.

Why do I choose to feel free? What makes me clear my past? Why do I choose to clean up my act?

When I release old resentments, I acquire freedom from my past. When I complete old experiences by feeling my way all the way through to the real end, I have a fresh start each morning. When I break my old habits of feeling bad, I can enjoy new habits of feeling light.

I am no longer subject to the tyranny of hidden memories. My past is no longer a source of unhappiness. I am no longer wearing the chains I forged in life.

Sometimes we fear delving into our past. We don’t wanna rile things up, we don’t wanna damage old relationships by remembering.

Thing is, it’s all in there, those memories, having their way with us, mostly out of our ken. Even though we don’t know we are thinking them, we are having unconscious thoughts all the time. That’s why we call ‘em unconscious. Seriously, most of our thoughts are unconscious. And every thought has a corresponding emotion. When our unconscious thoughts become unconscious emotions, we can have lots of nasty feelings, and sometimes even feel like we are going crazy.

We’ve already lived through the past. We survived it. Now we can choose to refuse to be bullied by it.

How have I changed from letting my past lead me around by the nose to being the boss of my own self?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11192013