Autumn Tears

Autumn Tears

It’s autumn here. The temperature is right around freezing, we’ve had a little snow, the leaves have fallen from the trees. I’ve watched my birdies get fatter and fatter at the feeder, and seen the squirrels burying like crazy. I love autumn.

At the same time, I get really sad in autumn, watching all the plants die off, or go into hibernation. But it’s a strange and curious sad, because it’s also just part of the cycle. So I feel sad without all the attendant stuff that I often have with that feeling.

For me, when I am feeling the other kind of sad, I can feel ripped off, like something has been taken from me. I often feel miserable in that grief. Sobs and tears and snot being wrenched out from me.

In this kind of autumn sorrow, I feel different, part of a cycle, like exhaling. I like this kind of sad. This kind of sad is enjoyable to me, and when I can remove the accreted crud, I have found I can feel it elsewhere, too.

Point is, having a positive mindset doesn’t mean I’m happy all the time. Having a positive mindset doesn’t mean I pretend I’m feeling up when I’m not. Having a positive mindset doesn’t mean I lie about what’s going on with me to make things see good when they aren’t.

It does mean I notice what I am feeling, and if it’s crap, I change it. Oh, yeah, it’s just that easy.

When I can, I remember that circumstances aren’t inherently good or bad, but only become so when I judge them. Yeah, that was a big one for me to get my head wrapped around, too. I still have to think about it from time to time.

Why would I choose to feel positive? How do I choose to exercise my judgment? What makes me choose to find the good?

How do I choose to exercise my judgment? What happens when I decide that event X is okay and not a crisis? What happens to me?

Sometimes, it feels okay because I realize I can handle it. Then, I get to save a lot of energy not freaking out about whatever the thing is.

Sometimes, it feels okay because I remember I can ask you for help. Then I get to save a lot of energy not worrying about whatever the thing is.

Sometimes, it feels okay because I know I’m already doing something about it. I get to stay peaceful.

Sometimes, it feels okay because it’s part of a cycle.

Sometimes, it just feels bad, and I have to get through it. Sometimes, I have to do that over and over again.

I can do that, and still have a positive outlook. And so can you.

How have I changed from thinking I’m stuck in the crap, to having a positive outlook?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11252013