The Danger of Expectations

The Danger of Expectations

Expectations. Wow. What a great big pile of mess we can make for ourselves with expectations.

Sometimes we call our expectations hope, and look to the future with bright, shiny faces.

Sometimes we call our expectations dread, and look to the future with pale, drawn faces.

We are so darn creative!

As a dear friend says, “You can’t disappoint me, only my expectations of you can disappoint me.” Perhaps that is a subtle distinction. On the other hand, perhaps it is glaring. I tend to go with glaring on this one.

It ties in with the old saw about nobody can make you feel anything. I used to think it was a load of horse hockey, and then I set aside my jerking-knee reaction, and really looked at it.

I know you can see where I’m headed with this. Why do I choose?

I can’t change you. I can change my expectations of you. When I change my expectations of you, our relationship shifts.

That’s where the magic happens.

When I change my expectations, when I change my behavior, we are in a different relationship. Sometimes, you decide you can’t handle it, and you leave. More often than not, you will shift with me, and we have a new relationship, often one we both like so much more.

Imagine this:  We fight the same three arguments over and over. I see that it is a habit with us, and so, when we start playing Fight No. 2, I don’t. Perhaps I say something like, “This is a bad habit with us, and I love you too much to want to put this bad energy between us.” There are a thousand ways to diffuse.

You can’t make me feel anything, unless we collude. I’m not talking about sensations. You can “make me” feel sensations.

If I am feeling abused by you, I am, on some level choosing that. I know we don’t like to hear it, but there you go. I choose it because it is familiar. I choose it because it meshes with my childhood experiences.

I can unchoose feeling abused. Now, I’m not talking about physical abuse or physical neglect. If these things are happening to you, go get help right this minute.

Feeling abused is a habit, one that many of us learn when we are very young. It’s not truth, it is collusion between us to prove that I’m less than even though I’m not.

I can unchoose feeling abused. When I choose to support myself, when I choose to feel good enough, when I choose self-esteem, your words won’t hurt me because your hurtful words don’t have a way in.

How have I changed from feeling abused to feeling good about me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11062013