Just Saying No

Just Saying No

I love it when two cards hop out from the deck. Today, the Why am I admired? and the Why am I authentic? cards popped out together.

How many of us think that if we showed our authentic self, not only would we not be admired, but even that no one would love us. Sometimes, we don’t even know that’s how we feel, we have it pushed down so far. We are barely aware of putting on a persona. Like me.

Learning to show my authentic self took me a while, and it was kind of scary in the beginning. I was used to people-pleasing. Do you know about people-pleasing? It’s a powerful emotional toxin. It’s poison to our self-esteem, death to our integrity, and makes us feel like a phoney in no time at all.

When we are people-pleasing, saying “no” feels dangerous and impossible. The more we say “yes” when we mean “no” the more we stop trusting ourselves, the more we resent ourselves, and can even end up hating ourselves. and certainly not liking the people who are making those demands on us.

We can end up feeling taken advantage of, being passive aggressive, we may even feel invisible. we may wonder why people treat us like crap when we are always so nice.

Why am I real? What makes me authentic? Why am I admired? What makes me feel celebrated?

If I am going to grow up, I need to let go of my people pleasing tendencies. I will have to choose to believe that I am as worthwhile as the people in my life I’m trying to please. I will have to make up some new boundaries that respect me.

I will have to take a leap of faith.

Why do I trust? How do I know the Universe will support me? Why can I choose?

Those leaps of faith, when we decide we will do what we need to do to save ourselves, are a big deal. It feels like taking a running jump into the Grand Canyon without a net, but I can tell you, in my experience, I’ve never seen someone take one of those leaps to grow up unsuccessfully.

As we stop agreeing to do things we don’t really want to do, we have time to do things that bring us joy. That can take a little getting used to. We will also find that the people who actually did take advantage of us kind of go away.

How am I respectful to me? What makes me treat me kindly? How am I responsible to you?

I am responsible for my well being. I cannot make you happy, healthy, sober, fun, or kind, no matter what I do. I can do those things for me, and that will change my relationships. I am responsible for my well being, but I am responsible to you. I am responsible for telling you how I really am, for setting respectful boundaries with you, for making promises I mean, and doing my best to keep them. I am responsible to you by treating our plans respectfully, showing up on time, or letting you know if I’m going to stand you up.

How have I changed from people-pleasing to owning my own mind?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03162014

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Let’s Hear it For YOU!!

Let’s Hear it For YOU!!

Whom do you admire the most? Is it a celebrity? A religious figure? A parent? Maybe a special teacher.

What do you admire most about them? Their looks? Their compassion? Their good works, or talent, or wisdom?

We cannot see in others that of which we are not aware in ourselves.

I know, right? That kind of blew me away, too. Until I have an internal experience of something, it’s as though it, whatever it is, doesn’t exist. I have to say it again, that blows me away. We didn’t exist in each other’s lives until we did.

In the bad ol’ days, I remember saying to my beloved teacher, “I just want to feel ok.” It took me years to get there, and when I finally did she said, “When you first came to me and said that, I knew you didn’t have any idea what that even meant; to feel ok.”

Until we have had the experience, we have no concept, even with a great imagination.

Back then, I also didn’t really have any heroes. I felt like I sucked so thoroughly, that the world was guilty of sucking by association with me.

For many of us who have come out of abusive situations, or may still be in them, the idea of being admired or honored, is alien and strange. We may see it happening for other people, perhaps on TV, or in our communities, but we don’t quite comprehend what is going on.

Or perhaps we had the experience of feeling admired in the past, and can’t quite get there anymore.

How do I feel when I feel admired? How do I feel when I am honored?

Why do I admire me? Why would I honor myself? How do I honor myself? What makes me approve of me?

Regardless of what is going on out there, I can hold that space for me, where I feel valued and appreciated, admired, and honored. I can become my own hero.

When I am my own hero, I can protect me from a lot of crap. I can stop me from feeling abused. I can notice and appreciate my accomplishments. I can value my talents and gifts. I can practice falling asleep saying kind things to me.

As I get used to hearing me treat me with honor, respect, and admiration, I will shift the color of my world a little bit. It will grow a little rosier, a little brighter. I will feel better, and, amazingly, you will treat me a little better.

The world will require it.

And I will find more and more amazing people, with qualities I love, to admire, honor, respect, and resemble.

How have I changed from being a wad of suckage to feeling admired and honored?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12192013

Lookit Me, Appreciate Me

Lookit Me, Appreciate Me

What kind of attention do you get? Do you get nice attention? Do you get mad attention? Are you praised, or maybe feel like you get in trouble all the time?

We all want to be seen. We all want some recognition, at least from certain people. Feeling appreciated lets us know that we are making a worthwhile contribution to our community, but when we don’t get that acknowledgement, we may act out, going for negative attention instead.

Poor we.

Now, on the one hand, the most significant positive attention we can get is from ourselves. If I am berating myself and sluicing me with bad creative questions, all the honors and accolades in the world won’t get through to me. They won’t make any significant difference, I’ll just feel like a nasty blob, if that’s what I’m doing to me inside.

On the other hand, acknowledging the people in our communities; our families, our religious groups, our social media connections, our tribe and clans of all sorts, is a way we recognize connection, belonging, acceptance, and value. This is why humans have a million awards ceremonies.

Why do I feel appreciated? How am I the center of attention? What makes me shine?

Whether I am focused on getting in trouble, or not getting in trouble. I will likely get in trouble. Here’s a curious thing about our brains. Our subconscious mind, you know, that part that’s like the ginormous underwater part of an iceberg, doesn’t do well with negations in commands. When we are told, “Don’t touch the stove!” what happens first is we have to think about touching the stove, then pulling away. Now, once we get burned a few times, and sometimes a lot of times, we learn, but that is a slow and cumbersome process filled with blisters.

Isn’t that sneaky?

So, when I want to change the kind of attention I’m getting from negative to positive, I have two tasks. Task one is to change my mind about the kind of attention I want, and start running my good Creative Questions.

Why do I feel valuable? Why am I honored? What makes me feel like a star? How do I get good attention? Why am I great?

If I have resistance or objections to any of my good questions, I can throw in the words ‘would’ or ‘could’ and that can loosen stuff up a lot. It will help to repeat the question with those words in it until I start feeling good about it.

The next part that I’ve found really helpful, is to acknowledge the people in my communities whose contributions have a nice impact on me. I like to send thank you notes, or a little note of praise to a supervisor, or someone in charge, and make sure to copy the person I’m praising. I like to acknowledge the qualities of people I love, respect, admire, through social media, and any other way I can think of.

One of the reasons this is useful for me is that it helps me stay focused on what I love about you. I like that so much more than when I was focused on what bugged me about you.

It also helps me notice that I do kind stuff, little sweetnesses, or solve problems, or find solutions to interesting situations. Acknowledging you helps me value me.

How have I changed from getting no attention, or only negative attention, to enjoying positive attention?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12052013

The Danger of Expectations

The Danger of Expectations

Expectations. Wow. What a great big pile of mess we can make for ourselves with expectations.

Sometimes we call our expectations hope, and look to the future with bright, shiny faces.

Sometimes we call our expectations dread, and look to the future with pale, drawn faces.

We are so darn creative!

As a dear friend says, “You can’t disappoint me, only my expectations of you can disappoint me.” Perhaps that is a subtle distinction. On the other hand, perhaps it is glaring. I tend to go with glaring on this one.

It ties in with the old saw about nobody can make you feel anything. I used to think it was a load of horse hockey, and then I set aside my jerking-knee reaction, and really looked at it.

I know you can see where I’m headed with this. Why do I choose?

I can’t change you. I can change my expectations of you. When I change my expectations of you, our relationship shifts.

That’s where the magic happens.

When I change my expectations, when I change my behavior, we are in a different relationship. Sometimes, you decide you can’t handle it, and you leave. More often than not, you will shift with me, and we have a new relationship, often one we both like so much more.

Imagine this:  We fight the same three arguments over and over. I see that it is a habit with us, and so, when we start playing Fight No. 2, I don’t. Perhaps I say something like, “This is a bad habit with us, and I love you too much to want to put this bad energy between us.” There are a thousand ways to diffuse.

You can’t make me feel anything, unless we collude. I’m not talking about sensations. You can “make me” feel sensations.

If I am feeling abused by you, I am, on some level choosing that. I know we don’t like to hear it, but there you go. I choose it because it is familiar. I choose it because it meshes with my childhood experiences.

I can unchoose feeling abused. Now, I’m not talking about physical abuse or physical neglect. If these things are happening to you, go get help right this minute.

Feeling abused is a habit, one that many of us learn when we are very young. It’s not truth, it is collusion between us to prove that I’m less than even though I’m not.

I can unchoose feeling abused. When I choose to support myself, when I choose to feel good enough, when I choose self-esteem, your words won’t hurt me because your hurtful words don’t have a way in.

How have I changed from feeling abused to feeling good about me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11062013