You Plus Me Equals One

You Plus Me Equals One

You and me, aren’t we interesting? What is a relationship, anyway? I love to have relationships, I like to think about relationships; it makes my brain feel kinda swirly. Be warned. The stuff that’s following is really deep.

Here’s why.

On the one hand, you and I are separate. We can never know what the other one is truly thinking, although we can get good at guessing. We can never know everything the other one has really been through, especially when the other one doesn’t remember herself. We can never know the entire scope of the other one because, thank goodness, it’s never completely tested.

On the other hand, you and I are one. This is where it gets weird. I can only know you through me. And what the heck does that mean? I cannot know what you have experienced, I can only know what I think your experience has been like. I cannot know what you are feeling, I can only know how I feel when I use the same words you use, or show the body language you show.

I can only see you through my filters. And that means that, no matter how different we are, you are a version of me to me, just as I am a version of you to you.

I don’t know about you, but that makes my relationships way more important to me because if I don’t like ‘em, I don’t like me. If you are driving me crazy, it’s got to do with me, my ways of looking at the world, my limitations, my degree of evolution.

I can’t change you, but I can change me, and when I do that, our relationship changes. It has to. The metaphor that I like is of a mobile, and we are the things hanging off it. When I change, my weight on the mobile changes, and that shifts everything.

If that doesn’t make your brain feel kinda swirly!

So what does it mean if on some really deep, cosmic level we are one? Well, for me, it changes how responsible I feel toward us. I am not responsible for you, but I am responsible to you. And what does that distinction mean?

I will do what I can to respect your beliefs, your actions, your body, your thoughts, your emotions. I will do what I can to treat you well and with kindness. I will be aware of my emo stuff and try not to project it onto you. I will do what I can to follow through on my commitments to you. I will be aware that you are vast in my experience, and have a thousand faces, a thousand dreams and fears and desires.

I cannot fix you. I cannot change you. I cannot make you be someone you aren’t. I can do these things for me, and trust that I use good judgment when I do, like not trying to be someone I’m not. All I can do is love you as you are, pray, or whatever word you prefer, for your well being, emo growth, and health, as I pray for my own. I will do what I can to help you if you need help. I will endeavor to be a role model for how to live a good life.

How have I changed from thinking we are separate to understanding that we are all one?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 02172015

Just Saying No

Just Saying No

I love it when two cards hop out from the deck. Today, the Why am I admired? and the Why am I authentic? cards popped out together.

How many of us think that if we showed our authentic self, not only would we not be admired, but even that no one would love us. Sometimes, we don’t even know that’s how we feel, we have it pushed down so far. We are barely aware of putting on a persona. Like me.

Learning to show my authentic self took me a while, and it was kind of scary in the beginning. I was used to people-pleasing. Do you know about people-pleasing? It’s a powerful emotional toxin. It’s poison to our self-esteem, death to our integrity, and makes us feel like a phoney in no time at all.

When we are people-pleasing, saying “no” feels dangerous and impossible. The more we say “yes” when we mean “no” the more we stop trusting ourselves, the more we resent ourselves, and can even end up hating ourselves. and certainly not liking the people who are making those demands on us.

We can end up feeling taken advantage of, being passive aggressive, we may even feel invisible. we may wonder why people treat us like crap when we are always so nice.

Why am I real? What makes me authentic? Why am I admired? What makes me feel celebrated?

If I am going to grow up, I need to let go of my people pleasing tendencies. I will have to choose to believe that I am as worthwhile as the people in my life I’m trying to please. I will have to make up some new boundaries that respect me.

I will have to take a leap of faith.

Why do I trust? How do I know the Universe will support me? Why can I choose?

Those leaps of faith, when we decide we will do what we need to do to save ourselves, are a big deal. It feels like taking a running jump into the Grand Canyon without a net, but I can tell you, in my experience, I’ve never seen someone take one of those leaps to grow up unsuccessfully.

As we stop agreeing to do things we don’t really want to do, we have time to do things that bring us joy. That can take a little getting used to. We will also find that the people who actually did take advantage of us kind of go away.

How am I respectful to me? What makes me treat me kindly? How am I responsible to you?

I am responsible for my well being. I cannot make you happy, healthy, sober, fun, or kind, no matter what I do. I can do those things for me, and that will change my relationships. I am responsible for my well being, but I am responsible to you. I am responsible for telling you how I really am, for setting respectful boundaries with you, for making promises I mean, and doing my best to keep them. I am responsible to you by treating our plans respectfully, showing up on time, or letting you know if I’m going to stand you up.

How have I changed from people-pleasing to owning my own mind?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03162014

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Feudin’, Fussin’, an’ Fightin’

Feudin’, Fussin’, an’ Fightin’

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the concepts around introvert and extrovert. There’s a lot of information out there on the Information Superhighway about these ideas, much of it is conflicting. And why do we care?

Well, I like a lot of alone time to feel balanced and centered. Took me years to figure that out, and living in a relatively big family, it was hard to come by. My mom loved being around people, and since we lived way out in the country, I was often the only people she had to be around. Conflict of interests? A bit. We made it work.

How do I love my family? What makes me patient? Why are my contacts successful?

Those intimate differences helped me look at us with a more tolerant eye. Even in the same families, we are different. We have different needs, different desires. We have different points of view, different likes and dislikes. Even in the same family.

I had a lot of thoughts about I’m right and you’re wrong, too. We are entitled to our opinions, and to disagree, but hating someone for their opinions, well, that’s a lot of energy you could use to sway them gently to your side.

What makes me respectful? How do I disengage from bad behavior? Why am I centered?

It’s in that little shift in attitude that stuff starts changing. In finding compassion for ourselves, and each other, in using our energy in ways that make stuff better rather than letting our inner 7 year old ventilate its spleen, these are the ways we make deep shifts in our thinkings, deep shifts in our interactions, deep shifts in our communities.

I figured out somewhere back there that part of my happiness comes from helping you find yours. Just thinking about that makes my heart-cockles get all warm and light. I know I can’t make you happy, but I can make an environment where you can allow your best self to emerge.I can model the tools and resources I find useful.  I mean, your best self is in there, longing for happiness and peace and your natural life. Mine is, too.

The more time I spend making room for me to be my best self, the more I get to live my natural life, and, boy howdy, do I love living there or what.

Our purpose in life is to be happy according to the Dalai Lama. I’ll take it. Our natural life is peaceful, joyful, relaxed and blissful. It is satisfying, contented, and creative. It is intimate, connected, and loving. It’s fun.

More and more of my days have periods of bliss, peace, intimacy, satisfaction. As I practice all the stuff I preach, my life gets easier, even when the circs seem like it would be awful. I have surrounded myself with besties who get it, I have carved out time for my daily practices, I plan plans not outcomes, so if something has to drop out, I don’t need to freak out.

Why would I choose to relax? How do I know I’m okay? What makes my life good?

By choosing to find ways to respect you, I will treat you better. When I find ways not to engage with you in bad behavior, the bad behavior shrivels like a worm on a hot sidewalk.

When I clean up my act, your behavior will change.

How have I changed from hating, pushing away, criticizing, and fighting to feeling respectful, compassionate, and clear?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 02142014

How to Chinwag Good

How to Chinwag Good

You know how much I like to talk about super powers. Probably comes from all the hours I stole from sleep to spend reading Superman comics in the middle of the night. Be that as it may, learning to harness our super powers transforms our lives.

Because learning to harness our powers for good is part of growing up, and not harnessing them causes all sorts of trouble.

Empathy one of yours? Until you learn to control it, you can end up feeling crazy, rageful for no reason, sobbing, and so on. Uncontrolled empathy is exhausting.

Creativity is another one. Uncontrolled creativity will often manifest as worry. Uncontrolled creativity loves to play the “what’s the worst that could happen” game at 3:00 AM. Bwahahaha!

Decision and Choice are wonder twin super powers. Unharnessed, we can find ourselves making amazingly awful decisions over and over again, hideous choices that can have a deleterious impact for years.

The one I’ve been thinking about today is communication.

Crappy communication destroys worlds.

Learning to communicate effectively was very interesting, and very challenging. I specialized in snark. My sarcasm had a laser edge and I slashed with it. (I am so sorry that I hurt you with my words.) I could scream hysterical ravings with the best of them, I was a blamer and a shamer, and would try to guilt you into the next country. I hated me, and so I hated you. I often spoke to you as though you were an idiot. (I am so sorry.) I craved your company, longed for kind words, but was pretty much deaf to them.

Crappy communication skills do weird things.

I actually had to take communication classes, and practice like mad at first, but, as is so often the case for me, it’s really paid off.

For example. Unless you are warning me of danger imminent, yelling is just emoting, and once you start yelling, I hear yelling, not communication. It floods me with adrenaline and can easily lead to things getting way out of hand.

For example. “You” statements are likely to fire up the listener, especially if there is a conflict.

For example. Being vague or circuitous leads to huge misunderstandings.

Turning communication into a super power is a multi-faceted undertaking. I have to want to improve my communication skills. I have to have some respect for me, and some respect for you. I have to be willing to change what I’ve always done, and to allow new stuff in. I have to be willing to experience what changes clear, respectful communication brings. Sometimes the hardest thing is tolerating good stuff when I’m not used to it. On the other hand, clarifying my communications makes life easier because I have said, “1, 2, 3,” and you responded with, “4, 5, 6.”

How have I changed from communicating poorly to enjoying communicating effectively?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 10242013