SunAgape's Spot: Why am I a good presenter?

Monday, May 19, 2014

Yakety Yak

What one thing will transform your relationships, realize your dreams, help you love yourself, and generally make your life better? Here’s a hint, Creative Questions is part of it.

Good communication skills are fundamental to your happy life.

How do I communicate effectively? Why do I know my mind? What makes me like people?

“I think.” “I feel.” “I want.” “When you say X, I feel Y.” “I hear you saying X. Is that right?”

When I am communicating well, I am using “I” statements. I’m taking responsibility for me, so I don’t say things like “You made me” or “You always, you never.”

When I am communicating well, I am not yelling. I am not saying shaming things, or blaming you, or fault finding. I ask questions, but I give you a chance to respond, I don’t hammer them at you.

When I am communicating well, I feel respectful, of both you and me. I hold my own space, regardless of your behavior. I notice, and take a moment if I need to, when you try to get me cranked up. When I am communicating well, I don’t try to crank you up.

When I am communicated poorly, I don’t use “I” statements. I don’t know what I want, or how I feel, and I won’t take the time to figure it out. I may even encourage you to push my buttons, so I can work up a good head of steam, and blow.

Most of the time, my communication skills are good.

Why do I say what I mean? Why do I mean what I say? Why do I want to communicate well?

As I practice thoughtful, compassionate, straightforward communication, the people who don’t like it often do one of several things. They may just kinda leave. But, they also may step up and join us in better communication. That is such a lovely thing.

How am I a leader? What makes me a role model? Why do I enjoy good attention?

For many of us, speaking to one person or many, can be scary. We fear being negatively judged. We fear being seen, we fear being ignored. As we grow up, we can more easily let go of that fear, and know that just the act of standing up will inspire someone else. The act of communicating well will inspire someone else. Good communication is an act of respect.

When I approach a conversation with the intent to communicate with you, that means I want you to understand me, and I want to understand you. I listen to you to hear you, not to formulate my clever response. Communication, then, is also a means to engage, to connect, to be intimate; things that will help us clean up our emo crap, things that will help us live our natural life, and come to love our amazing selves.

By choosing to communicate well, I am taking my well being seriously. I am making a commitment to be apart of something; a communication. I am choosing to step up, to step out and be seen. I am owning that I am good enough, that my opinion matters, that my ideas deserve to be heard.

How have I changed from hiding behind my words to communicating effectively?

Why would you choose to interact with this page? :)

Thursday, October 24, 2013

How to Chinwag Good

You know how much I like to talk about super powers. Probably comes from all the hours I stole from sleep to spend reading Superman comics in the middle of the night. Be that as it may, learning to harness our super powers transforms our lives.

Because learning to harness our powers for good is part of growing up, and not harnessing them causes all sorts of trouble.

Empathy one of yours? Until you learn to control it, you can end up feeling crazy, rageful for no reason, sobbing, and so on. Uncontrolled empathy is exhausting.

Creativity is another one. Uncontrolled creativity will often manifest as worry. Uncontrolled creativity loves to play the “what’s the worst that could happen” game at 3:00 AM. Bwahahaha!

Decision and Choice are wonder twin super powers. Unharnessed, we can find ourselves making amazingly awful decisions over and over again, hideous choices that can have a deleterious impact for years.

The one I’ve been thinking about today is communication.

Crappy communication destroys worlds.

Learning to communicate effectively was very interesting, and very challenging. I specialized in snark. My sarcasm had a laser edge and I slashed with it. (I am so sorry that I hurt you with my words.) I could scream hysterical ravings with the best of them, I was a blamer and a shamer, and would try to guilt you into the next country. I hated me, and so I hated you. I often spoke to you as though you were an idiot. (I am so sorry.) I craved your company, longed for kind words, but was pretty much deaf to them.

Crappy communication skills do weird things.

I actually had to take communication classes, and practice like mad at first, but, as is so often the case for me, it’s really paid off.

For example. Unless you are warning me of danger imminent, yelling is just emoting, and once you start yelling, I hear yelling, not communication. It floods me with adrenaline and can easily lead to things getting way out of hand.

For example. “You” statements are likely to fire up the listener, especially if there is a conflict.

For example. Being vague or circuitous leads to huge misunderstandings.

Turning communication into a super power is a multi-faceted undertaking. I have to want to improve my communication skills. I have to have some respect for me, and some respect for you. I have to be willing to change what I’ve always done, and to allow new stuff in. I have to be willing to experience what changes clear, respectful communication brings. Sometimes the hardest thing is tolerating good stuff when I’m not used to it. On the other hand, clarifying my communications makes life easier because I have said, “1, 2, 3,” and you responded with, “4, 5, 6.”

How have I changed from communicating poorly to enjoying communicating effectively?