SunAgape's Spot: Why do I like people?

Showing posts with label Why do I like people?. Show all posts

Saturday, September 19, 2015

The Fascination of You

One of the many tasks I have worked on over the years is learning how to chat. I still don’t feel comfortable with small talk. Frankly, I'm not even sure what that means. I want to connect with you, feel shy and a bit insecure, yet there are so many circumstances where I am at an event and need to make some kind of conversation with strangers.

Why do I like people? How are you interesting? What makes me feel warm towards you?

I used to ask, ¨what you do for a living?¨ That turned out not to be a very good conversation starter. People often have complicated feelings about how they make a living. I found it much more fun to ask, ¨ what do you do for fun?¨ Or ¨what makes your heart sing?¨ Or ¨where do you find joy?¨

They are fun questions for several reasons. One reason is that I hear about what gives someone joy. They tend to light up when they tell me about their passions. Reading, horseback riding, music, cooking, gardening! So much love and happiness! Another reason is that sometimes they look at me blankly and say, ¨I have kids.¨ or ¨I work full-time and go to school.¨ Those responses give a nice entré into more questions about their family or their schooling.

People are so interesting. It is so often worth digging a bit to find out why.

When I ask you about you then listen to your answer, I learn stuff. I learn about activities I didn’t know people did for fun, like ironworking. I find out about books I haven’t read or music I haven’t listened to. Somehow, wherever I go, I meet really interesting people.

In the dark ages, I was afraid of you. I feared that you would hurt me; crush me with cruel words, cut me with sarcasm, or snark, mock me, ignore me. I saw my world as a terrifying place filled with danger. It wasn't true, but it certainly was what I filtered for.

Most people I encountered treated me kindly, respectfully. I didn't notice. At the end of the day, I rehearsed the wrongs that had been done me. Once in a blue moon, I would recall a kind gesture, and marvel at how rare they were.

I was filtering for rotten behavior.

As I worked with my teacher, I learned to look for the niceties, the kind gestures, the smiles. I would pause and take a moment to let that good stuff sink in. I would think about the nice things that happened as I finished my day. I stopped rehearsing the crummy stuff, I stopped paying attention to it, I stopped letting it in.

The more I filtered for love in the world instead of hate, the more love I found in the world.

The more love I found, the less frightening you seemed, the more fascinating you became. The more compelling I found you, the easier it was to set aside my shyness in favor of my curiosity and interest. The more I did that, the nicer my world got. I like having people in my world.

How have I changed from hiding and avoiding people to enjoying connecting with you?

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Loving Me Loving You

“I am a realist, not a pessimist,” says a woman I know. She likes to talk about how awful the world is, how horrible people are, how rotten are her co-workers, and how crappy she feels all the time. Poor little lamb. The world she lives in is dark and terrifying with awful people doing awful things to each other. She is exhausted and sick a lot of the time.

I used to live there. I used to believed that people, all people, were awful to each other. I believed the news media. Do I need to say that I was terrified all the time? I felt responsible for suffering all over the world, and doubly guilty because what was I doing to help them? So I was terrified, but also uber-stressed and depressed. Imagine that.

Why do I like people? What makes me notice the good in others? How do I value your presence?

I had this idea that paying a lot of attention to the news was the responsible, adult thing to do. War, pestilence, murder, rape, greed, fire, famine --. Oh, la! Dose me up with misery in the papers, on the radio and tv. It justified my unhappiness. It justified my guilt. It justified my pain. It justified my sense of helplessness.I made friends with people who were as miserable as I. We could spend days telling each other how miserable we were. We did, actually. And it somehow absolved me of taking responsibility for my own well-being. Clearly, if there were so much misery in the world, it stood to reason that I would be miserable.

As I have grown up, I have come to realize that the media doesn’t monger news, they monger fear. And every time I shared bad news, every time I promoted the awful things that happened, I was mongering fear, too. I have come to realize that I am the only one responsible for my well-being. And I am not responsible for yours. I am responsible to you, and endeavor to create safe space for us all to thrive and grow. And I apologize to you for all the horrible things I told you about in the dark ages.

As I have grown up, I have come to realize that people are doing their best, For most of us, we are doing our best to be kind, good, and loving. What we have are issues, topics, mis-learnings and these dictate our behavior. In relatively normal situations, these are pretty mild, annoying perhaps, but not damaging. As the topics get bigger, the behavior gets worse; substance abuse, addictive behaviors, violence, and so on. When the topics get really big, at least inside the person, the behavior gets worse. You know what I mean.

And, as one of my dear friends says, “I am not my behavior.” Remembering this gives us an entree into compassion, and we may need to find that way in for ourselves as well as for others.

In fact, our attitude to others is often our attitude to ourselves. If I see the world as a terrifying place, chances are good that I don’t feel very safe inside me. If I see the world as full of bad people, I may be feeling like a bad person deep inside. It might even be unconscious. And if I see the world as full of kind and loving people doing what they can to make the world nicer, I most likely have a life full of kind and loving people who are doing what they can.
I prefer to live in a world of love. I prefer to look for the good in people, and I avoid the regular media’s take on things. I seek out good news about good works, powerful discoveries that help, individual kindnesses, gracious gestures. My favorite from yesterday was a restaurant owner who posted a notice that invited the person who was eating from her Dumpster to come in for a meal.

How have I changed from wallowing in the worst of humanity to reveling in our goodness?

Thursday, February 19, 2015

You Plus Me Equals One

You and me, aren’t we interesting? What is a relationship, anyway? I love to have relationships, I like to think about relationships; it makes my brain feel kinda swirly. Be warned. The stuff that’s following is really deep.

Here’s why.

On the one hand, you and I are separate. We can never know what the other one is truly thinking, although we can get good at guessing. We can never know everything the other one has really been through, especially when the other one doesn’t remember herself. We can never know the entire scope of the other one because, thank goodness, it’s never completely tested.

On the other hand, you and I are one. This is where it gets weird. I can only know you through me. And what the heck does that mean? I cannot know what you have experienced, I can only know what I think your experience has been like. I cannot know what you are feeling, I can only know how I feel when I use the same words you use, or show the body language you show.

I can only see you through my filters. And that means that, no matter how different we are, you are a version of me to me, just as I am a version of you to you.

I don’t know about you, but that makes my relationships way more important to me because if I don’t like ‘em, I don’t like me. If you are driving me crazy, it’s got to do with me, my ways of looking at the world, my limitations, my degree of evolution.

I can’t change you, but I can change me, and when I do that, our relationship changes. It has to. The metaphor that I like is of a mobile, and we are the things hanging off it. When I change, my weight on the mobile changes, and that shifts everything.

If that doesn’t make your brain feel kinda swirly!

So what does it mean if on some really deep, cosmic level we are one? Well, for me, it changes how responsible I feel toward us. I am not responsible for you, but I am responsible to you. And what does that distinction mean?

I will do what I can to respect your beliefs, your actions, your body, your thoughts, your emotions. I will do what I can to treat you well and with kindness. I will be aware of my emo stuff and try not to project it onto you. I will do what I can to follow through on my commitments to you. I will be aware that you are vast in my experience, and have a thousand faces, a thousand dreams and fears and desires.

I cannot fix you. I cannot change you. I cannot make you be someone you aren’t. I can do these things for me, and trust that I use good judgment when I do, like not trying to be someone I’m not. All I can do is love you as you are, pray, or whatever word you prefer, for your well being, emo growth, and health, as I pray for my own. I will do what I can to help you if you need help. I will endeavor to be a role model for how to live a good life.

How have I changed from thinking we are separate to understanding that we are all one?

Saturday, July 05, 2014

Enjoying the Population

How interesting is our relationship with people. We all have ideas about how people are, about what people are like. Even what we think people should be like.

There was a fun exercise I first learned of many years ago. It was very simple; you can try it now.

First, think of someone you consider a hero, or an inspiration to you. Got it? Now, think of some of their qualities that you admire, shoot for five. Do you have them?

Now, notice how you have those qualities you admire. And if you think you don’t, notice what you think about them.

Ahahah! Yes, indeed. For many of us, the qualities we admire in our inspirations are qualities we are nurturing in ourselves. In fact, it is often the case that we can’t see qualities in others that we don’t share. I think that’s wild, that we can’t see what we don’t have, but I’ve seen it play out over and over. We get ideas about the word, the quality, but until we open up to the experience, it’s just a concept.

We project our thoughts about ourselves onto our concept of “people.” We have to. As we grow, we learn more, we experience more, and we conceptualize more. That makes our worlds bigger, and we see each other more clearly, more deeply.

As my concept of people expanded, as I grew up, I found that I liked people more, and I liked me more. Fancy that.

As I came to see that I filter the world for stuff, we all do, or we would go cuckoo-bananas, I realized that I filtered people. In the olden days, I would filter for sad, grim faces; faces that looked like I felt. Poor me. Now I filter for happy faces, or faces that look like they want a smile. I love how many smiles I see walking down the street now, how many of us respond in kind. That’s my kinda world.

Why do I like me? How do I like people? What makes me want to connect?

If I think people are bad, or unpleasant, or selfish, or angry, I will benefit from looking at me to see what I might want to let go of, like selfishness, anger, or general unpleasantness.

When I like me, liking people is effortless.

Sometimes, we push people away because we are afraid of what they would think of us if they got to know is. We may be wary of letting them get close because we have been hurt, and worry that we will be hurt again. We may push them away because of those ideas we have about how people are, even if they aren’t.

Sometimes, we’ve had something happen with one person that was kind of awful, and we get the idea that all people may be like that, and we withdraw. And that can lead to feeling lonely and resentful. Dang.

Coming to know ourselves, taking responsibility for our well being, integrating negative experiences, all these help us come to enjoy being around each other so much more.

How have I changed from avoiding people to enjoying my connections?

Friday, June 20, 2014

Reflections on People

One of the most wonderful things about this way I choose to live is how my opinion and feelings about people has changed. You guys are nothing at all like I used to think.

Why do I like people? How do I get along? What makes me see the good?

In the dark ages, I thought people were pretty much out for themselves, others be damned. Wrong-o. I thought people were basically cold, hard to get to know, full of deceit, and kind of dangerous. I thought that there were a few good people, but they were the exception. More wrong-o. Turned out, I was projecting me onto you. Ick. Sorry about that.

Turns out, I was projecting me onto you.

I didn’t dare tell you the truth about me because I knew you would hate me if I told you. Projecting. I didn’t dare show you me, so I lied a lot about stuff, I hid my feelings, I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. Not sure I was dangerous, but I sure was off.

What makes me compassionate? How to I connect? What makes me engage?

The way I feel about me is often the way I feel about you. So when I didn’t like me, well, you can see where this is headed.

It’s a curious thing, so much of whether we like or dislike ourselves is based on our attitude, not on facts.

We all pretty much want to live a nice life. Some of us have opened to the universe of resources available to us to help us get there. Some of us have opened our hearts in compassion for what we’ve been through without going to self-pity. Some of us have owned all the effort we have put into living a life we feel good about. Awesome.

We all have stuff and things that we’ve been through and made it to the other side. We have things we’ve done we may not feel proud of, maybe even ashamed. We all have things we wish we could have a do-over on. Everyone does. Because we are grownups, we choose to forgive ourselves for our screw-ups, and make amends where we can. Because we are grownups, we choose to view our former selves with gentle compassion. We’ve identified things about who we are, how we operate that we like, even admire in ourselves. We do something about the things we don’t like.

The amazing magic that happens is, as we do those things, we start to like ourselves. We recognize our own value, our own contributions. And then we find that we can do it with other people, too. We forgive them, especially our childhood adults who, for whatever reasons, messed up with us.

Why do I forgive? How do I open my heart? What makes me care?

As I choose to like me, and choose to like you, more amazing stuff happens. I see the good in you. I can find ways to feel compassion and respect for you, and my world transforms from a sad, dark place, to a place of connection, of mutual compassion, and joy.

How have I changed from hating me and you to feeling compassion and love for our human-ness?

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Reframing Difficult People

My fingertips must be sticky or something; I got two cards again today. Why am I grateful? Why do I like people?

Do those go hand in hand for you? Do you have people you like? People you appreciate?

I’ve got basically three kinds of people in my life. The ones I don’t know, or barely know. The ones I don’t like, and the ones I do like.

It used to be that I just didn’t like someone, end of story. This was so limiting. Kind of like the difference between making a statement and asking a Creative Question: there’s no room to grow. But when I move beyond this, things change and change. It’s remarkable.

Because I am a person, I will have to deal with difficult people from time to time. I have started thinking of them as my best teachers because when I calm down, and stop blaming them for how I feel, I learn a ton of good stuff from them, mostly about me, my shortcomings, and limited thinking. Sometimes looking at that stuff is challenging, but it’s always been worth it to me in the long run.

I have had a number of best teachers in my life. Over the years, I’ve found some tools and tips that have really helped me accept their presence in my life. I will share them with you because you know I love to do that!

Why do I like people? How do I choose? What makes me powerful? Why am I compassionate?

That’s the first place I go to. How can I feel compassion for this person? We all deserve compassion, so it’s not about them, it’s about me getting there on that person’s behalf. Sometimes, I am so resentful that I don’t want to let it go. I like that bitter, righteous feeling. Except that I really don’t for very long. Practicing going to compassion will start shifting my relationship with that best teacher.

Next, I found out that I need to find something to respect my challenging person for. Something real, not smarty-pants like, “I respect how annoying so and so is.” More like, “I respect so and so’s achievements.” When I start thinking about my challenging person with curiosity, looking for something to respect, and from a place of compassion, things start to change.

Now, since unchoosing victim is a big one for me, most of my best teachers offer me opportunities to do that. Your best teachers may well offer you different lessons. You can always tell who your best teachers are because they bug you the most. You can also tell what your big lesson is because it comes up again and again.

For me,I also need to remember that, regardless of how they treat me, I will only feel abused if I choose to feel that way. I can choose to feel strong, capable, competent. I am not a victim, I choose to be a grownup.

Now I am well-equipped to have a different kind of interaction with you. Before I see you, I choose to be a grownup, I feel compassion and respect, and approach the interaction with curiosity. Things can change instantly.

How have I changed from thinking they suck to valuing and respecting them as best teachers?

Who is your best teacher these days? Have you figured out your lesson?

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How do you feel when you make a contribution?

Monday, April 21, 2014

Love Love Love

Love Love Love

How do I love my family? Why do I like people? Why do I have best friends?

Our relationships make life sweet. Our relationships can also provide us with lots of learning experiences.

Back in the day, I moved in and out of friendships. I would sometimes have large groups of friends, and sometime barely one. The down times gave me a lot of time to think.

One of the things I realized was that I had a lot of friends I didn’t like. I didn’t like their choices, I didn’t like the stuff they thought was fun, I didn’t like their music/movies/tv shows; you get the idea.

Deciding that I didn’t have to be friends with people I didn’t like was huge for me. I know it sounds really silly, but choosing my friends based on how much I liked them rather than whether they liked me was a minor miracle for me.

Why do I choose my friends? What makes me like people? Why can I choose?

Back in the day, I spent a lot of time with people I didn’t like so I could do my bad things more easily; drinking and drugs. That was really painful, and made me want to drink and do drugs even more because my life was so gross.

When I made that choice, to stop using mood altering chemicals, I started meeting new people, in therapy groups, in AA meetings, and some of them I really liked. And then I had a feeling that was pretty unusual for me. I found that there were people whom I respected. Wow. That was an amazing feeling.

As a child, all my heroes were fictional, starting with Superman. As a sick kid, I loved the idea of being invulnerable. But I knew I could never be invulnerable, I could never be Superman. And I was so caught up in my unhappiness that I couldn’t really see anyone else very clearly. What a funny thing that is.

So I started meeting amazing people; kind, interesting to me, working to make their lives better, creating good spaces for others to improve their lives. Respectable. And fun.

As I became friends with them, I had more fun. And suddenly I had role models, people who were living in ways I wanted to live. Inspiring people.

I love that my heros are my friends.

Why do I like people? What makes me choose good friends? Why do I have besties?

Since relationships are not always easy, I try to remember that you cannot disappoint me, only my expectations of you can disappoint me. I try to remember that either everything is personal, or nothing is. I try to assume the relationship, that just because we have a miscommunication doesn’t mean the relationship is over. I try to remember that I feel better when I choose the high road.

How have I changed from thinking that people suck to living in a world of love?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04212014

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Friday, February 14, 2014

Feudin’, Fussin’, an’ Fightin’

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the concepts around introvert and extrovert. There’s a lot of information out there on the Information Superhighway about these ideas, much of it is conflicting. And why do we care?

Well, I like a lot of alone time to feel balanced and centered. Took me years to figure that out, and living in a relatively big family, it was hard to come by. My mom loved being around people, and since we lived way out in the country, I was often the only people she had to be around. Conflict of interests? A bit. We made it work.

How do I love my family? What makes me patient? Why are my contacts successful?

Those intimate differences helped me look at us with a more tolerant eye. Even in the same families, we are different. We have different needs, different desires. We have different points of view, different likes and dislikes. Even in the same family.

I had a lot of thoughts about I’m right and you’re wrong, too. We are entitled to our opinions, and to disagree, but hating someone for their opinions, well, that’s a lot of energy you could use to sway them gently to your side.

What makes me respectful? How do I disengage from bad behavior? Why am I centered?

It’s in that little shift in attitude that stuff starts changing. In finding compassion for ourselves, and each other, in using our energy in ways that make stuff better rather than letting our inner 7 year old ventilate its spleen, these are the ways we make deep shifts in our thinkings, deep shifts in our interactions, deep shifts in our communities.

I figured out somewhere back there that part of my happiness comes from helping you find yours. Just thinking about that makes my heart-cockles get all warm and light. I know I can’t make you happy, but I can make an environment where you can allow your best self to emerge.I can model the tools and resources I find useful. I mean, your best self is in there, longing for happiness and peace and your natural life. Mine is, too.

The more time I spend making room for me to be my best self, the more I get to live my natural life, and, boy howdy, do I love living there or what.

Our purpose in life is to be happy according to the Dalai Lama. I’ll take it. Our natural life is peaceful, joyful, relaxed and blissful. It is satisfying, contented, and creative. It is intimate, connected, and loving. It’s fun.

More and more of my days have periods of bliss, peace, intimacy, satisfaction. As I practice all the stuff I preach, my life gets easier, even when the circs seem like it would be awful. I have surrounded myself with besties who get it, I have carved out time for my daily practices, I plan plans not outcomes, so if something has to drop out, I don’t need to freak out.

Why would I choose to relax? How do I know I’m okay? What makes my life good?

By choosing to find ways to respect you, I will treat you better. When I find ways not to engage with you in bad behavior, the bad behavior shrivels like a worm on a hot sidewalk.

When I clean up my act, your behavior will change.

How have I changed from hating, pushing away, criticizing, and fighting to feeling respectful, compassionate, and clear?

Thursday, December 26, 2013

BYO Bestie

Best friends. When we are really lucky, we may have family for best friends. When we are really lucky we have at least one best friend. When we are really lucky, we have best friends we like, who like us.

You know how I feel about luck, too, don’t you.

Why do I have best friends? What makes me so fortunate?

I made up a rule for myself many years ago: No secrets. I tell everything that could potentially be a secret, that is, something of consequence or psychic weight, to at least one person. I am blessed with several besties, and one of their jobs is hearing those unsecrets.

We choose our friends for so many reasons. In the yorely days, I chose friends based on who supported my misery the best. Seriously. Or who wanted to get high with me, or have sex. Oy, being miserable was hard and lonely, and all to frequently terrifying, work.

Why do I embrace change?

Then, I chose friends who supported my sobriety.

What makes me choose to be clear?

Then, I chose friends who supported me in healing my spirit.

Now I have friends I love for themselves, who love me without reason. We are thrilled with each other’s friendship, rejoice in each other, have fun, feel gratitude and appreciation, and generally revel in just knowing each other.

When we choose friends we like (which is not as weird as it sounds. I used to have a lot of friends I didn’t like.) our lives get bigger. We find more opportunities to bring out our best selves.

We are divine, infinite beings. At the same time, when we are living our normals days, we don’t have much call to tap into our divine, infinite selves. Having best friends, friends whom we trust to advise us, friends with whom we love to play, or have adventures, or otherwise do stuff with, helps us to expand our horizons. Having best friends makes it safe for us to push our little envelope of comfort a bit here, a bit there, until we find that we have let our world expand, we are actuating our purpose, we are living a life we love.

How do I know I am a divine, infinite being? Why do I have a purpose?

As I deepen my friendship with you, I deepen my relationship with myself, as well, and if I am diligent, and willing to open my heart to someone with lots of flaws and faults and failings, ones I see all the time, and know all too well, I may be able to forgive, and find that I am one of my own besties. Treating myself with kindness, warmth, and respect, forgiving my screw ups and failings, supporting myself in allowing me to live my natural live, and maybe, just maybe, to experience myself as that divine, infinite being.

How have I changed from feeling kinda isolated to enjoying the company of my best friends?

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Them.

So, here’s an interesting question: What do you think of people? Not your friends, not your family, but that generic concept, “people?”

It is often the case that the way we feel about people will give us clues as to how we feel about ourselves, underneath.

If I think people basically suck, chances are good I think I suck, too. If I think people are basically decent, chances are, I think I am basically decent, too. It’s called projecting, and we do it a lot, and mostly it’s unconscious.

It’s amazing what happens inside us, outside us, that’s don’t notice. Amazing.

If I don’t know why I'm feeling this way, I’m having unconscious thoughts that are creating unconscious emotions that are producing feelings. Not knowing why I feel this way can make me feel crazy.

If I do something and I don’t know why I’m doing it, especially if I do it over and over, I’m having unconscious thoughts that result in actions. Not knowing what I’m thinking can make me feel crazy.

Until we decide to change it, most of what happens in our lives is unconscious. How’s that for freaky. Until we decide to start paying attention, we will react to the situations that occur, and often have no idea why.

Until we decide to be the one in charge of our lives, we may feel totally out of control. We may feel overwhelmed. We may feel inadequate to handle stuff. We may feel like we simply can’t do it. When we feel like that, we will often do stuff as a reaction, stuff that may feel bad, or hurt us or other people. Or we may hide ourselves away, or any number of other things.

When we change our mind and decide to be aware, we start noticing our thoughts. We notice our emotions, and our feelings. We notice what we are doing. We respond to situations rather than reacting. We choose, we decide, we act. We start feeling like we can deal. We start feeling like we can cope. We start feeling confident, and resourceful.

Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a new situation, we may not know how we feel or what we are thinking because so much new stuff is happening. That’s ok. Because we are usually aware, we have the resources we need to allow the new situation to work in our lives. We don’t need to freak out, we don’t need to shut down, we don’t need to get mad. We can relax a bit more,

It may be new, but I don’t have to worry. I can handle it. It may be new, but I don’t have to analyze it, I can let it flow. It may be new, but I can still relax, relax, relax. How do I know I can cope? What makes me competent? Why am I flexible?

When I choose to be aware, my feelings about “people” can change quite a lot. I may find that, as I come to like me more, I find more to like in “them.” My world can become a much softer place.

How have I changed from being clueless to choosing to know?

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