Doubt Into Trust

Doubt Into Trust

When most of us think about trusting we are thinking about trusting other people. We hardly ever think about trusting ourselves.

What happens when we doubt ourselves? For some of us, we doubt our ability to be loved. We have mislearned that we are unlovable, that we are so fatally flawed that no decent person could love us, even if they really do, and we often find ourselves choosing people who treat us poorly, reinforcing our mislearned ideas of being lovable.

For some of us, we doubt our gifts, talents, and skills. Each of us has them but when we doubt them, we often forego opportunities to hone them, to refine and improve them. Perhaps we hide them at home, secretly indulging in our art or music or intellect or cooking or other wonderful things. We avoid taking chances that might make our skills and talents stronger. We fear that we aren’t actually very good at X, or we know we are, but fear not being good enough. Perhaps we fear being mocked or ridiculed. Perhaps we doubt that we have the internal resources we need to handle the attendant stuff, like acclaim, or responsibility, or money, or attention if we were to let our light shine.

Why can I trust? How do I know I can trust me? What makes me choose to believe in my own self?

As I go through my day, I choose to be aware. I choose to notice what I am doing, how I am doing it. I look for ways that I am sabotaging myself. When I spot one, I correct as best I can.

Our personal doubt is our first chunk of mislearning. We all have one; the worst thing we believe about ourselves. Mine is that I am garbage. As I have worked on this one, I have cycled through many Creative Questions. My current faves are, “Why am I strong? Why am I capable? Why am I competent?” Oh, yeah! Working on our personal doubt can bring up all sorts of interesting stuff; damaging beliefs, toxic thoughts, negative behaviors, and other ickies. Trusting ourselves, choosing to believe that we are worth the effort, that we are capable of doing what we need to do, that we can find good teachers to coach us in our endeavors, these are things that make our lives a million times nicer.

As I come to trust myself, I will change. We all change, even when we like to think we don’t. As I come to trust myself, I will make better decisions, ones that support me better. Some of the people in our lives may not like what we are doing, and may choose to leave. Since part of my personal doubt involved feeling like a victim, I am happy to see victimizers leave, even if I grieve the end of the relationship. As we clean up our act, the people whose damage dovetails with ours have to leave or change. Our relationships are like a big mobile; when one piece gets lighter, everything else has to adjust.

One of the benefits of trusting myself more is that my judgment gets better. I find that I am not only trusting me more, but I am trusting the people who want to hurt me less, and the people who want to support me more. I feel safer, I feel more connected, I feel softer, I feel stronger. I am happier. The more I trust me, the more trustworthy I become.

How have I changed from dissing myself to honoring myself with my own trust?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 07122015

Look! On the Porch! It’s Creativity Woman!

Look! On the Porch! It’s Creativity Woman!

Creativity is a wonderful superpower when we harness it. It really helps when we remember that we choose how to use it.

Sometimes we are unaware that we are being creative. We disregard the fact that we are creating our reality by the filters we use. When I look for things to be miserable about, I find them. Likewise, when I seek out things to enjoy and be happy about, I find them.

We often feel like we are being productive when we worry about stuff. I recently saw a quote that said something about worrying being the same thing as praying for bad stuff to happen. All I know is that I have X amount of energy, or NRG as I am calling these days, and I would rather spend it on nice stuff.

When we are miserable, we like company in it, like Aesop’s tailless fox who tried to convince the other foxes how great it was. (He failed. They were clever as foxes.)

You can see this in scoldings, or blamings, or shamings. There are always ways to phrase stuff so it is kind or confrontive, gentle or abrasive, supportive or informative or shaming. Which would you rather hear?

Why do I choose? How do I know I am creative? Why do I claim my superpowers?

We do this to ourselves, it’s not just other people who shame and blame and scold us. When I feel like I am always wrong, I am being creative to make fine decisions seem like bad ones, to look at me with disgust or contempt when I am just fine, to decide that, even though I am at least 50% well, I am sick and miserable.

The more aware we become of our thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors, the easier it is to see where we are doing this. A lot of being miserable is being unaware of how we support and maintain it, not remembering that, simply because we live around people, we have an impact on others, and that we choose.

Creative choice.

Another quote I really liked when I was transitioning from miserable depress-o girl to happy me was this: Sometimes you have to tear out your heart to save your soul. A poet by the name of Jane Something said it, and if you know who she is, please drop me a note.

I had a job I was used to. Low pay, few bennies, a lot of abusive talk, but I was familiar with it. I also had a boyfriend I was used to. Lots of drama, lots of blaming and shaming and put-downs, but it was familiar. Notice I didn’t say comfortable. Neither one was comfortable, but so, so very familiar. Leaving them was a huge deal, a big challenge, and it took me a while to work through my feelings, but, boy howdy, did my life get nicer. I put my heart back in my chest, and saved my soul.

I am not happy all the time, just most of the time. I am not kind all the time, or full of compassion, but a lot of the time. I am not self-aware all the time, but a good chunk of the time. I am better for taking those few moments I need to ask, “Where am I? How am I doing? Anything need a tweak?” And then I become Creativity Woman and come up with answers and tweaks, and plans, not outcomes.

How have I changed from being mindlessly tossed around in misery to enjoying wielding my superpower of creativity?

3. Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 09202014

Trashing the Zingers

Trashing the Zingers

A talent I have developed over the years that has made my life a lot nicer is the ability to keep my mouth shut.

That may sound weird coming from someone who loves to talk, but I used to say a lot of stuff I regretted. I learned as a young one to use sarcasm as a weapon and could flay meat with my words. If I could come up with something nasty and clever, out the words came, outcome be damned.

Teaching me to hold my tongue took a long time, but I really wanted it. My overarching goal was to be happy, and that meant that I had to stop seeking out your weaknesses and soft spots and going for them.

Why am I positive? What makes me choose? Why am I kind?

In the olden days I spent a lot of time with people who valued my nasty humor, and praised me for it, at least when I used it on other people. I was so used to the spew that I often wasn’t even aware that I did it. So I had to learn to hear what I said, and then I had to learn to hear what I was gonna say. And then I had to learn to shut it.

Why am I aware? How do I know I matter? What makes me decide?

One of the reasons it was so easy for me to just say rotten stuff was that I didn’t think it counted for anything. I didn’t have any sense of having an impact on you. I apologize for that.

As I came to see that I did have an impact, not just on the people I spent a lot of time with, but also on the people I might have one moment of contact with, and was able to remember fast enough that I wanted to feel good about me at the end of the day, I began to practice being quiet instead of sniping. I would spend a moment thinking about the customer service person being on my side instead of being the representative of Evil Incarnate when I had a problem that required their help. I started thinking about how you might be acting out a bit because you had something challenging going on that I knew nothing about, and would hold back my mean cracks.

How am I compassionate? Why do I care? Why do I like people?

As I gave up that habit, and replaced it with nice stuff, something wonderful started to happen. I began to receive nice surprises. Things would go my way. The customer service person would go out of her way to help me, sometimes even giving me a special treat, “I don’t usually do this for people, but...” Strangers would smile at me. Not creepy strangers, nice strangers. I found myself blurting out compliments to random people, and getting smiles back. I found myself asking how you were and wanting to hear the real answer. And you would often do the same for me.

Choosing to be positive meant that I had to give up some stuff. I don’t tend to make sacrifices, rather I weigh my options, remember what I want, and choose what seems like it will take me in that direction. Giving up my rapier wit was a process, and I still have to confront it from time to time, but, like so much of what I talk about here, it was worth it.

How have I changed from pride in my snide to choosing to be kind?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 08072014

Being Great

Being Great

You matter so much. You make such an amazing difference in the world. Do you have any idea of all the lives you’ve touched?

The honest answer is, not in the least. We can’t know. We can guess, but we do stuff everyday that has an impact on those around us, and then ripples out. The random smile, the words of comfort, the offer of help,

We all have bad days, when we are crabby, or rude. Sometimes others see us as being that way when we aren’t. In the grand scheme of things, meh.

Because, in general, I know you. I know you because you are here, and reading these words, that you are making an effort to make your life nice, and that part of that is being kind and present and aware out in the world.

I know that you often go out of your way to be helpful, or to offer a little comfort to someone who needs it, sometimes not even someone you know. I know that you try to give a little extra at work, at home, at church, or in your other communities.

I know that sometimes you feel unappreciated, or like no matter what you do, it doesn’t change anything. I know that some days you wonder how you will go on, doing all you do. I know your heart gets heavy, your shoulders sag, and sometimes you even get water coming out from your face.

I am here to ask you, “How do you know that you matter?”

What you do makes a difference, even if the people around you don’t acknowledge it. You do make a difference, even if you can’t see it. You do make a difference, you matter, you are special, and bring your special gifts to the world every day.

What’s more, you are here for a reason, whether you’ve figured out what it is yet. You are not just some random collection of genes and DNA. You have gifts and talents, you have developed skills and judgment, you have your unique combination of experiences, and your unique point of view.

I can spend the whole day saying how great you are, all the things I like about you, but my words, my appreciation, my love is useless to you, unless you feel it, too.

I have to find my way to feeling like I make a difference. I have to own that I am important. I have to recognize that I am special. How do I feel when I am important? How do I feel when I matter? How do I feel when I am interesting and engaging?

When I can start to feel that within me, that what I do makes a difference, I begin to be able to let go of needing you to validate me. I begin to be free.

As I start to own that I matter, I don’t need as much from the outside, so I have more juice on the inside. I can take better care of me, and then I can take better care of you, without resentment, without feeling ripped off if you aren’t somehow doing something to “make” me feel good about me.

How have I changed from feeling small to knowing I matter?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12112013

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Them.

Them.

So, here’s an interesting question: What do you think of people? Not your friends, not your family, but that generic concept, “people?”

It is often the case that the way we feel about people will give us clues as to how we feel about ourselves, underneath.

If I think people basically suck, chances are good I think I suck, too. If I think people are basically decent, chances are, I think I am basically decent, too. It’s called projecting, and we do it a lot, and mostly it’s unconscious.

It’s amazing what happens inside us, outside us, that’s don’t notice. Amazing.

If I don’t know why I'm feeling this way, I’m having unconscious thoughts that are creating unconscious emotions that are producing feelings. Not knowing why I feel this way can make me feel crazy.

If I do something and I don’t know why I’m doing it, especially if I do it over and over, I’m having unconscious thoughts that result in actions. Not knowing what I’m thinking can make me feel crazy.

Until we decide to change it, most of what happens in our lives is unconscious. How’s that for freaky. Until we decide to start paying attention, we will react to the situations that occur, and often have no idea why.

Until we decide to be the one in charge of our lives, we may feel totally out of control. We may feel overwhelmed. We may feel inadequate to handle stuff. We may feel like we simply can’t do it. When we feel like that, we will often do stuff as a reaction, stuff that may feel bad, or hurt us or other people. Or we may hide ourselves away, or any number of other things.

When we change our mind and decide to be aware, we start noticing our thoughts. We notice our emotions, and our feelings. We notice what we are doing. We respond to situations rather than reacting. We choose, we decide, we act. We start feeling like we can deal. We start feeling like we can cope. We start feeling confident, and resourceful.

Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a new situation, we may not know how we feel or what we are thinking because so much new stuff is happening. That’s ok. Because we are usually aware, we have the resources we need to allow the new situation to work in our lives. We don’t need to freak out, we don’t need to shut down, we don’t need to get mad. We can relax a bit more,

It may be new, but I don’t have to worry. I can handle it. It may be new, but I don’t have to analyze it, I can let it flow. It may be new, but I can still relax, relax, relax. How do I know I can cope? What makes me competent? Why am I flexible?

When I choose to be aware, my feelings about “people” can change quite a lot. I may find that, as I come to like me more, I find more to like in “them.” My world can become a much softer place.

How have I changed from being clueless to choosing to know?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12102013

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Dispelling Soft Addictions

Dispelling Soft Addictions

The choice card came up this morning. It seemed like a good time to talk about soft addictions. You know the ones, the apparently harmless little activities that suck up your time, your energy, and leave you feeling strangely dissatisfied at the end of the day.

TV, Internet, and video games are awesome soft addictions. We can fall into them and suddenly, it’s time for bed, and where the heck did the evening go?

But then, we also have shopping, glamorizing, car tinkering and washing, puzzles, exercising, and so on. Lots of choices. Each of us most likely has a bunch of favorites.

Well, I know I do.  There are things I do that leave me feeling accomplished, and then there are the things that don’t.

For example, when I read a book, I feel accomplished, almost regardless of the topic. I think, “Well, good for me! I finished that book.” On the other hand, when I spend the evening watching TV, I don’t say, “Good for me! I spent three hours watching TV.” Instead, I may feel a tad guilty for doing that instead of doing blah blah blah.

A soft addiction is very different on the inside of me from a hobby. When I am knitting I feel productive. When I am playing solitaire, I don’t. When I spend time with my pets I feel satisfied. An hour of web surfing may feel satisfying or productive, three hours doesn’t.

Now, I think we need to have some non-productive time. I think it’s good for us in doses. We need to keep it in balance; we don’t have a cake for dinner and a pork chop and green bean tartlet for dessert. Keeping our awareness of what we are doing will help. It is all about choice.

So here’s the thing. I can’t tell you what wastes your time, only you know what it is for you. For me, solitaire on my phone is a seductive time sucker with it’s sporadic gratifications, but for you, it could be productive time. You might be in a tournament, or have a social group you connect with through solitaire.

For me, putting the TV on before 10:30 at night is a time waster. I tell me I am relaxing, but I’m not, I’m vacating, or worse, avoiding or procrastinating. Reading for a couple hours feels productive and relaxing.

When I have been ill or recovering from something, some of my soft addiction behaviors  have been useful to distract me from the intense sensations in my physical body. Then, they are productive behaviors, not time wasters.

The only way I can tell the difference is to notice how I feel inside. That means I have to choose to be aware of me. Sometimes that’s scary. Maybe I don’t want to notice that the evening is stretching out ahead, a barren wasteland, until bedtime. This is when I need to choose. Will I go to a favorite time waster? Or will I go something else so I go to bed satisfied?

Perhaps I could go for a walk, I could spend 15 minutes on a task or chore, or visit an elder, or volunteer somewhere. When I am stuck in me, helping you helps me a lot. There are tons of places that would be thrilled to have your help. In fact, just researching that online could help the evening feel productive.

I have to choose. I have to choose what I’m going to do, how I’m going to spend my time. I can’t ever really abdicate my choice, it’s all choice. How do I want to feel at the end of my day?

Owning that I have to choose puts me in control, of my behavior, of my thoughts, and that’s a powerful place to be.

How have I changed from frittering away my time to spending it by my choice?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 09142013