Fill 'Er Up!

Fill ‘Er Up!

I pulled the “Why Can I Choose?” card and you know that is one of my very favorites. As I lolled on the porch, I thought about what I choose, what I have chosen during my Adventures in Wonderland. I realized that the most important, life-changing thing I have done since it started was choosing to be curious over being afraid.

That choice meant I had to change the way I do some things. I am an information nut and a research queen. Under other circumstances, I would have researched the heck out of my new situation. What I quickly came to see was that most of the information out there has a scare-the-pants-off-you undercurrent. This is not useful. I quickly decided that, since I was under the care of so many people, I would choose ignorance, to a certain extent, and become curious about my physical experiences.

Why can I choose? What makes me feel engaged with my activities? How am I so alive? What makes me feel so curious?

Fear is a very low-vibrational thing. It is useful in actual dangerous circumstances, but really doesn’t do us much good as a hobby. Dispelling it takes some doing, especially as we often don’t even recognize it. We call it worry, or anxiety, or tension, or unease, or disquiet, and on and on, but it’s all just fear. Negative fantasies about the future. I’ve even seen it called “praying for the worst.” Yikes! I do not want to be putting my energy there.

When I let my curiosity out, fear melts away. In fact, sometimes just being curious about my fear melts it. I came to realize that I am not afraid of dead. That was nice. I can get afraid of discomfort, but if I stop judging it, that fear goes away.

My appreciations practice is grounded in curiosity. I wake up and wonder what delights I will experience that day. Where will I find beauty? How will I feel joy? What will surprise and enchant me? Where will I experience kindness? That sets me up in a very specific way to seek out those things, and, Lo, I find them almost every single day.

Curiosity helps me change my attitude about stuff. How can I make this (excruciatingly dull) task fun? Why would I choose to be here? How can I embrace my chemo/radiation experiences so I can enjoy them? How can I reframe this physical discomfort so I can do other stuff? Why would I be okay with having to sleep so much?

My Adventures in Wonderland have run on curiosity. It is the fuel that lets my days flow without freakout, without rage, without terror or depression.

Why would I choose to go with the flow? Well, it’s easier for one thing! I don’t know about you, but I like easy. How can I choose to have fun? If I can find a way to make it enjoyable, I can do anything.

Then there is one of my most favored old saws, “This, too, shall pass.” Then I wonder, what good lies ahead? How do I become more myself? How can I have more peace and joy?

How have I changed from choosing fear as my motivator to choosing curiosity as my fuel?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2016 all rights reserved 03102016

It Isn't Really That Way at All

It Isn’t Really That Way at All

I was recently reading about a man who hasn’t eaten or drunk anything in decades. Doctors and scientists studied him for weeks, even to the point of sealing the toilet in his suite. There are others like him, and there is a spiritual movement called Breathariansim. Oh, yeah. Somehow, these people are able to sustain a high quality of health through their breath alone.

I am not a breatharian. I do find the idea intriguing because it reminds me that the world that I live in isn’t what I think it is.

That’s a hefty thought.

My world is cobbled together by my thoughts, my beliefs, my filters, my habits, and the people I choose to be around. It’s just so much personal convention, and at the bottom of it is “I don’t know.”

How amazingly liberating is that, “I don’t know.”

Why can I choose? What makes me happy? How am I spiritual?

When I remember that I don’t know, there is suddenly room for miracles, mystical experiences, life-expanding occurrences, delightful surprises, and all manner of wonders to be had. All I have to do is get out of my own way.

In my qigong practice, we have six rules. The first three are don’t intellectualize, don’t worry, enjoy! The next three are relax, relax, relax. Now, I am a philosopher by temperament and training so intellectualizing is what I am inclined to do. When I remember to think of it as play, some interesting things happen. My thoughts become more fluid, and I don’t need to take them as Truths.

I used to be a championship worrier. I fretted over my stuff, your stuff, and if we were somehow stuff-free, I would fret over the state of the world. My current favorite POV on this is that worry is like praying for negative stuff. If I am putting energy into thinking rotten thoughts, I am not putting it into living a joyful and purposeful life. Unchoosing worry and fretting was a challenge; it took a ton of practice, but every moment I spent turning my thoughts away from it was worth it. I notice much more quickly when I see stuff that triggers worry in me. I look at the thought; is this something I can do something about right now? Usually not. Is this something I can do something about later? If so, put it on the list, if not, strike it. And start thinking neutral or positive thoughts. This is not Pollyannaism, pretending things are fine when they are not, this is about my well-being. Worry and fretting are physically damaging to my body, and since I live here, it’s good to take some care. There is a big difference between fretting and considering options and solutions.

The whole concept of “I can’t do X, this is just how I am” falls into this category, too.

I enjoy myself when I feel on purpose, aligned with my relatively new, supportive beliefs. I enjoy myself when I am in the present with awareness. If I choose to believe that every moment is perfect for where I am, if I look for the gift, the silver lining, the lesson, it is alway satisfying.

These attitudes are the foundation of my spiritual life, the universal urge we have to find connection, purpose, and meaning in our lives.

How have I changed from feeling adrift and lost to feeling spiritual purpose and joy in my life?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 05152015

Faith and Hope

Faith and Hope

This is another one of those rather controversial topics. That means it’s important, so let’s see what happens when we poke around in the topic of trust.

Why do I trust? How do I know the universe provides? Why am I peaceful?

A lot of us think that faith and hope are the same thing. They really aren’t.

Hope and wishing are pretty close, way closer than hope and faith. With wishing and hoping, we have to be thinking about the situation we want to leave to wish or hope that it will be better.

We say things to ourselves like, “I wish I had more money (than the little money I have now,) I hope I get more money.” “I hope I get better (than the sick that I am, or the addiction, or behavior I want to change) or I hope I get better.” The underlying thoughts are that I am poor or sick or that I am in a bad relationship, for example.

We say things to ourselves like, “I hope I get that job.” But both hoping and wishing kind of stop at the wish. They don’t tend to motivate us; they tend to stop us, like worry, in that hoping so hard, or wishing so hard, or fretting so much feels like we are doing something.

We aren’t.

When I trust, when I have faith, I am believing in something, and believing in me. Trust and faith create an environment where we are supporting our desire with action. The actions may be subtle, we might not notice that we are choosing toward what we trust will happen, but we are.

When we think about that trust as a Creative Question, we are setting our unconscious mind on the task of bringing our goal about. Why do I trust that money comes easily to me? Why do I trust in my own health?

Notice how different you feel between “I hope things work out.” and “I trust things will work out.” and “Why do things go my way?”

These are subtle differences, but the Creative Question is working deep inside, it doesn’t even need an answer to come to the surface to change the underlying beliefs.

Faith and trust lead us to making choices that can move mountains. I can sit around hoping for that new job, or I can trust that I will get it, and that makes me act. Action will bring about more of what we want than wishing, or hoping.

It’s asparagus. We can hope for asparagus when we plant it, and then be sad when we don’t have edible asparagus. We can wish we had asparagus, and then feel kind of despondent when we don’t get it. Or we can have faith that our asparagus patch will produce delicious asparagus, and when it doesn’t the first year, with faith, we may find ourselves talking to friends with asparagus who let us know it takes a few seasons to start producing. So we trust that tending our patch with loving care will make wonderful asparagus in it’s own time.

How have I changed from hoping to having faith?

(c)Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 09282014

Look! On the Porch! It’s Creativity Woman!

Look! On the Porch! It’s Creativity Woman!

Creativity is a wonderful superpower when we harness it. It really helps when we remember that we choose how to use it.

Sometimes we are unaware that we are being creative. We disregard the fact that we are creating our reality by the filters we use. When I look for things to be miserable about, I find them. Likewise, when I seek out things to enjoy and be happy about, I find them.

We often feel like we are being productive when we worry about stuff. I recently saw a quote that said something about worrying being the same thing as praying for bad stuff to happen. All I know is that I have X amount of energy, or NRG as I am calling these days, and I would rather spend it on nice stuff.

When we are miserable, we like company in it, like Aesop’s tailless fox who tried to convince the other foxes how great it was. (He failed. They were clever as foxes.)

You can see this in scoldings, or blamings, or shamings. There are always ways to phrase stuff so it is kind or confrontive, gentle or abrasive, supportive or informative or shaming. Which would you rather hear?

Why do I choose? How do I know I am creative? Why do I claim my superpowers?

We do this to ourselves, it’s not just other people who shame and blame and scold us. When I feel like I am always wrong, I am being creative to make fine decisions seem like bad ones, to look at me with disgust or contempt when I am just fine, to decide that, even though I am at least 50% well, I am sick and miserable.

The more aware we become of our thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors, the easier it is to see where we are doing this. A lot of being miserable is being unaware of how we support and maintain it, not remembering that, simply because we live around people, we have an impact on others, and that we choose.

Creative choice.

Another quote I really liked when I was transitioning from miserable depress-o girl to happy me was this: Sometimes you have to tear out your heart to save your soul. A poet by the name of Jane Something said it, and if you know who she is, please drop me a note.

I had a job I was used to. Low pay, few bennies, a lot of abusive talk, but I was familiar with it. I also had a boyfriend I was used to. Lots of drama, lots of blaming and shaming and put-downs, but it was familiar. Notice I didn’t say comfortable. Neither one was comfortable, but so, so very familiar. Leaving them was a huge deal, a big challenge, and it took me a while to work through my feelings, but, boy howdy, did my life get nicer. I put my heart back in my chest, and saved my soul.

I am not happy all the time, just most of the time. I am not kind all the time, or full of compassion, but a lot of the time. I am not self-aware all the time, but a good chunk of the time. I am better for taking those few moments I need to ask, “Where am I? How am I doing? Anything need a tweak?” And then I become Creativity Woman and come up with answers and tweaks, and plans, not outcomes.

How have I changed from being mindlessly tossed around in misery to enjoying wielding my superpower of creativity?

3. Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 09202014

The Colors of Fear

The Colors of Fear

One of my dearest friends has a very simple motto that she lives by: Fear or Faith. It reminds her to choose the sunny side of the street. When she first told me that I loved it. And I realized I had a  version that was just slightly different: Fear or Curiosity.

The point is simple, fear sucks the life from us, faith and curiosity fill us with spirit. I live a life of adventure. One of my heroes is Indiana Jones, master adventurer. My journey of self discovery feels like an Indiana Jones type adventure full of danger, and scary times, and priceless discoveries. the best of which is love and respect for my very own self.

My teacher pointed out that I had already survived the danger, that I was looking at the left-over shadows of it. That let me feel curious about what I would find. Sometimes I discovered things that changed the way I felt about someone, but it also gave me the opportunity to bring up a lot of unpleasantness to the surface where I could address it, and let it go, and forgive. Can’t do that when it’s all unconscious.

Why am I curious? What makes me interested? Why do I want to know?

When I choose to let fear run the show, I am saying no to life.

Life is fearless, life is curious, engaged, interested. Life wonders what is next, and accepts what comes, no fear. No matter what, my circumstances are interesting because they are tailored to me. They provide me with information about what I can learn, about where I can go, about what I can accomplish.

Worry is a kind of fear. When we fret about our loved ones, or ourselves, we are sluicing our lives with a negative energy, and then we have to slog through that negativity. We feel heavy and sad, and often don’t know why. Worry is a Coyote emotion, a trickster. It makes us feel like we are doing something useful, while it feeds on our spirit. Ew.

Guilt is another kind of fear. When we feel guilty, we fear that we will get caught. We fear being found out. We fear reprisals. We fear losing the little thrill we get from the behavior we feel guilty about. Dang.

Strangely, procrastination is often another kind of fear. The two biggies of procrastination are fear that we won’t do X perfectly and fear that something big will change if we X. It’s not that it will change for the worse, it’s just that it will change. We fear the loss of our status quo, even though it is always shifting around.

Negative moral judgments are yet another kind of fear, fear of the different.

When I decide to go with curiosity, with interest, with faith and trust, my life blossoms. Events have significance because they happen to me, for me. I seek out the nuances, I seek out the value. I seek out the benefit to me.

When I get that little thrill of anxious feeling, I choose to ask myself, “Why would I be excited? How is this fascinating? Why do I engage?” The feeling of excited and the feeling of anxiety are so close that asking my good Creative Questions can flip my experience in a wink.

How have I changed from choosing fear to feeling curious?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 06212014

Have You Reached a Verdict?

Have You Reached a Verdict?

What are the greatest ills in the world? Poverty? War? Horrible things. I find it very curious that those things come up when I think about “the world” but the world is made up of us, individuals with our own minds, our own choices.

Now, my opinion shifts and I find myself thinking, worry, fear, guilt, bitterness, misplaced shame, rage. Suddenly, it’s very personal.

Frank Herbert called fear “the mind-killer, the little death.” Worry drains our emotional resources, guilt drives us mercilessly, and misplaced shame will shred us from the inside out. Not a very supportive environment for following our passions, or sharing our gifts.

Why am I innocent?

As a person, it’s not unusual for me to encounter these things, and many more, that sap my joy, throw off my equilibrium, screw me up. They make me feel bad, so I make bad decisions, and I make them over and over. I feel stuck, I feel miserable, I feel helpless, and I will ventilate those feelings, lashing out at you, or me, or someone less powerful, and we can sustain horrible situations because we nurture our bad feelings. It’s sure how I turned me into a drunky dope person.

How do I know I am pure?

I decided to grow up. I decided I wanted to be happy from the inside out. I decided I wanted to live a life I liked, a life I approved of, a life I felt proud of. Nice decisions, but they meant I had a lot of emotional detritus to clear out.

What makes me feel clear?

Worry and guilt, anger and fear, and so on; these turn into habits so easily. Breaking these habits is a fascinating challenge. Creative Questions help so much. I wish I’d had access to them back in the day.

I used a rubber band on my wrist. The instant I noticed I had starting thinking “those” thoughts, I would snap the rubber band and think thoughts that made me feel good. In the very very beginning, I would also say, “Stop!” out loud while I snapped that band. Psychologists call it

extinguishing behavior, and I am so glad.

Worry always feels like I’m doing something. It’s insidious. Guilt often makes me feel like I can’t do enough, and fear, like I can’t do anything. Lies, all lies.

Now, I’m not saying that we should never feel fear or anger. They are hard-wired emotions. We have choices. I have to say that there are been times in my life when fear was the right response, and got me out of some dicey situations. On the other hand, I mislearned to go to fear in a lot of situations where it was not my best choice, likewise with anger. With practice, I learned to recognize the feelings in their infancy, and can often release them with just a good, deep breath and some awareness. How nice is that!

When I make feeling peace rather than worry a priority, when I treat it like learning to play the piano or speak a foreign language, and practice regularly, my life gets easier. I have more energy, more joy. I’d say that’s worth it.

How have I changed from feeling lies to knowing I’m innocent?

(c) 2014 Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 02012014

Stifle Yourself!

Stifle Yourself!

Today I drew the Innocent card. How do I feel when I feel innocent?

You do play with the “How do I feel when I feel X?” questions, right? They are crazy powerful. And you can often completely shift your internal state, how you feel, by taking the time to ask one of these questions, and then let the new feelings develop.

Archie Bunker, on American TV, used to admonish Edith, “Stifle yourself!” on a regular basis. How mean he was to her. The heartbreaking thing is that we do it to ourselves all the time. We do it through fear and anxiety, through worry or dread, through guilt about stuff we’ve done, and guilt about simply being and by focusing on what’s wrong rather than dealing with what’s wrong, and focusing on what’s right.

It sounds kinda dumb when we read the words like that, but it’s another thing altogether to live with it.

Of course, when we are in it, we are in it, and it’s hard to imagine ever not being in it. I know these feelings really well. All of them. I lived terrified for years, in such a pervasive way that I didn’t even know I was scared. Anxiety attacks were normal, worrying through the night was normal, and existential guilt was my very strange middle name.

I know what you go through regarding these feelings. Yuck.

Big, slow breathing, and Creative Questions, will help a lot. The breathing helps clear out the adrenalin whoosh, and the Creative Questions changes your thinking, which, of course, is where the feelings start.

Why am I innocent? How do I know I am perfect? What makes me divine? Why can I feel that I am pure?

As we grow up, we become more forgiving of our past selves, for our transgressions, both real and existential. I can let go feeling like I have to prove my worth, my right to be alive.

I become more aware of my thoughts; I notice when my thinking starts down those paths, and can haul it back to center.

If I start to get one of those bad feelings, like waking up in the middle of the night with an adrenalin lurch, I know it’s not “true” and I can calm my thoughts, and my body and breath quickly and easily. I almost instantly will go to a body scan, thinking clearly to myself, “My feet feel heavy and relaxed. They feel warm and comfortable.” Work up the body, but I’m usually back to sleep before I even get to my hips.

It takes trust, believing an equivalent of “God don’t make junk.” It takes paying attention, and some discipline.

If I’m starting to have anxiety about a situation in my life, I will do a “thought-tree.” Can I do anything about it right now? Yes? Do it. No? Do something else and change the thoughts.

I believe that I am worth the effort. I believe that you are worth the effort, but you are the only one who can make those changes happen. Practice on the little ones everyday. Practice on the middling ones as they arise, and you will be all limber and ready when the big ones come along, as they always do. You are amazing. You are worth it. You can do it.

How have I changed from stifling my amazing self, to allowing me to become a happy grownup?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01102014