SunAgape's Spot: Why am I spiritual?

Showing posts with label Why am I spiritual?. Show all posts

Friday, May 15, 2015

It Isn't Really That Way at All

It Isn’t Really That Way at All

I was recently reading about a man who hasn’t eaten or drunk anything in decades. Doctors and scientists studied him for weeks, even to the point of sealing the toilet in his suite. There are others like him, and there is a spiritual movement called Breathariansim. Oh, yeah. Somehow, these people are able to sustain a high quality of health through their breath alone.

I am not a breatharian. I do find the idea intriguing because it reminds me that the world that I live in isn’t what I think it is.

That’s a hefty thought.

My world is cobbled together by my thoughts, my beliefs, my filters, my habits, and the people I choose to be around. It’s just so much personal convention, and at the bottom of it is “I don’t know.”

How amazingly liberating is that, “I don’t know.”

Why can I choose? What makes me happy? How am I spiritual?

When I remember that I don’t know, there is suddenly room for miracles, mystical experiences, life-expanding occurrences, delightful surprises, and all manner of wonders to be had. All I have to do is get out of my own way.

In my qigong practice, we have six rules. The first three are don’t intellectualize, don’t worry, enjoy! The next three are relax, relax, relax. Now, I am a philosopher by temperament and training so intellectualizing is what I am inclined to do. When I remember to think of it as play, some interesting things happen. My thoughts become more fluid, and I don’t need to take them as Truths.

I used to be a championship worrier. I fretted over my stuff, your stuff, and if we were somehow stuff-free, I would fret over the state of the world. My current favorite POV on this is that worry is like praying for negative stuff. If I am putting energy into thinking rotten thoughts, I am not putting it into living a joyful and purposeful life. Unchoosing worry and fretting was a challenge; it took a ton of practice, but every moment I spent turning my thoughts away from it was worth it. I notice much more quickly when I see stuff that triggers worry in me. I look at the thought; is this something I can do something about right now? Usually not. Is this something I can do something about later? If so, put it on the list, if not, strike it. And start thinking neutral or positive thoughts. This is not Pollyannaism, pretending things are fine when they are not, this is about my well-being. Worry and fretting are physically damaging to my body, and since I live here, it’s good to take some care. There is a big difference between fretting and considering options and solutions.

The whole concept of “I can’t do X, this is just how I am” falls into this category, too.

I enjoy myself when I feel on purpose, aligned with my relatively new, supportive beliefs. I enjoy myself when I am in the present with awareness. If I choose to believe that every moment is perfect for where I am, if I look for the gift, the silver lining, the lesson, it is alway satisfying.

These attitudes are the foundation of my spiritual life, the universal urge we have to find connection, purpose, and meaning in our lives.

How have I changed from feeling adrift and lost to feeling spiritual purpose and joy in my life?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 05152015

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Seeking Spirit

What do you think about the idea that we are all divine beings? What do you think about the idea that we are sacred? Do you think that’s hooey, or do you get it?

For a long time I was working from a really bad belief. I believed this, but it was way unconscious. I believed that because I felt bad, I was bad.

Now, I really didn’t want you to know what a rotten person I was, so I tried to cover it up by being nice. I worked really hard to prove to me that I was good, while knowing in my heart that I sucked. That was hard. I looked in the mirror, and I saw a liar, a fake, a mask. So I pretended even more. You can imagine what that got me.

How do I know I am sacred? What makes me feel spiritual? How do I value my divinity?

To top it off, I thought that in order to be a spiritual being I had to do fancy religious stuff. I figured I had to be a nun, or a hermitess living in the Boundary Waters. I knew there was no way I could just be me, and be any kind of spiritual person.

I love it when I’m wrong about that kind of thing.

What I discovered was that I had to accept me as I am, gifts and shortcomings, talents and foibles, skills and flaws. That was pretty much it. I am as I am. In this moment, I am perfect.

I have stuff, we all have stuff. I work on it as I remember, but I am no longer convinced I am a bad person pretending to be a good person.

I also discovered that I need to slow down for a while every day. I need to just be for a bit. Generally speaking, I do that on my porch. I look at my little bit of nature; my boxelder maple tree, my lilac bush, my little birds. I look at the sky. I contemplate the flow of traffic. I breathe. I sit on my chair, in my body.

When I do that, when I ask my good Creative Questions, I feel good. I feel innocent. I feel engaged. I frequently feel bliss, in that mundane setting, looking at mundane things, I feel blessed beyond words. I feel connected to something profound and awe-inspiring.

I am spirit.

And, if I am spirit, I am spiritual. I don’t have to try. I don’t have to work at it. I don’t have to spend hours every day in prayer or self-flagellation. All I need to do is slow down and open my heart.

Why would I trust that the Universe provides? How do I live a meaningful life? What makes me feel blissful?

I feel different when I remember that I am a divine and infinite being, that I am more than I can comprehend.

You know how I love a good quote. This is one of my faves: God is that than which nothing greater can be known. Saint Anselm of Canterbury said that. I like it because it’s so about us. We are so deep, so profound, that even with decades of self study we will only know a fraction of our true selves. If that ain’t the stuff of divinity, I don’t know what is.

How have I changed from feeling like nuthin’ to owning my divine nature?

Is there a place you like to go to, like me and my porch? How do you feel when you feel spiritual?

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Thursday, March 20, 2014

Victims and Martyrs

I’m going to put some tough talk out here today. We need to come to this topic with an open mind, open hearts. It will require that we let go a lot of old beliefs that have been harming us, holding us back for a long time. We deserve better.

Is someone out there making your life miserable? Are they causing you pain or trouble? Are you cut by their words or actions? Is someone making you feel scared or mad or guilty?

Are you spending your days doing tasks you hate? Does it seem like chores you resent having to do all you spend your time on? Are people constantly taking advantage of your good nature, and never appreciating you?

When we answer any of those questions with a yes, we are choosing to be victims and martyrs. This efficiently cuts us off from our divinity, our natural life.

When I choose to let you bully me I ignore my own power, my own responsibility for my well being, and I make you responsible for my happiness. So, if you are acting angry, I lose. If you are behaving in a passive-aggressive way, I lose. By choosing to let your behavior make me feel fear, guilt, or anger, I am choosing stuck.

When I decide that I have to do it all, that no one else does it right, or well enough, when I feel disappointed by my relationships, when I need to talk about how rotten everything is all the time, but do nothing to change it, I ignore my own power. By choosing to blame, complain, and feel trapped, I am choosing stuck.

I don’t know about you, but I am so sick of stuck.

How do I recognize my power? What makes me confident? How do I know I am strong?

As with so many things, a huge part of making my life better is choosing to change my way of looking at things. If I am a divine and infinite being, I have solutions. I have a sense of strength, confidence, and competence. I know I can make it through whatever. I feel supported, I have resources.

When I feel bad and it’s all your fault, I’m victimizing myself. When I do and do and do and am never feeling appreciated, I’m martyring myself. You can’t do this to me. You can be cruel to me, you can never even notice what I do, but I’m the one who ends up choosing to feel bad about that. Me.

It’s a bitter pill, to let go of blame. We like to blame. When they act poorly, we want to put the blame on them, and not take responsibility for how we feel. And so we are choosing stuck.

Why do I choose to be free? What makes me responsible? How am I competent to take care of me? Why do I feel compassion?

I want to feel clean, open, soft and flowing with my life. I want to learn my lessons, live with compassion, mindfulness, and freedom. I cannot do that when I think that it’s all your fault.

How have I changed from blaming to living in my own divinity?

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Sunday, February 09, 2014

The Urge of Spirit

What does being spiritual mean to you? Going to church or temple on major holidays? Daily worship and prayer? Self-flagellation? No, seriously, I really thought that was a good idea once upon a time, that I could beat spirituality into me, and beat out the guilt and pain. Didn’t work.

What if being spiritual is simply the urge of spirit to know itself? Suppose spirit just wants to discover its purpose, its meaning, maybe its origins and place. Some of us can do that through religion. Some of us don’t find that a supportive venue, and look for other ways.

Why am I spiritual? What makes me curious? How do I know myself?

I will tell you something true. In your life there is no one more fundamentally interesting than you.

Your life is full of interesting, curious, weird, terrible, wonderful amazing events and each one of those things has had an effect on you, from the time you were in your warm and cozy womb. Remembering, on the one hand, is not something we do easily, especially about our lives, which I think is just bizarre. I mean, if I can’t remember what I’ve lived through, well, I digress.

Remembering is a skill we can cultivate. You know that old saw about those who don’t learn from the past being condemned to repeat it? That’s about us. If I grew up in an abusive household, and do nothing to change that, my children will be abused, too, by their parent, who is me. I don’t know about you, but I would really rather not facilitate child abuse. If we don’t like the legacy we’ve inherited, we will have to change it. And when we do that, we change the world.

Learning about ourselves is, strangely, another one of the ways we change the world. As I come to recognize my dark behavior, see its origins, and modify my behavior and beliefs and thoughts, I become more compassionate about your dark behavior. I become supportive of your growth rather than engaging with you in being jerks.

I start finding my own patterns; they show up over and over in my life under different circumstances. And when I notice one, I may feel kind of creeped out and maybe a little ashamed, and then I own it, and resolve it, and that pattern is done. That means I no longer interact with you in a way that can often be really uncomfortable for both of us. That means that you have less strife in your life, and you can step forward in your own growth. Neat.

It means I have found a bit more of who I am; my spirit has grown.

How does my spirit rejoice? What makes my heart soar? Where do I find my bliss?

There are more elements to our spiritual growth. Sitting quietly and letting our thoughts flow is one, doing things that are joyful for us is another. I love to sing, that’s a place where my joy flows. I love to create art, to practice qigong, sometimes I even experience joy shoveling snow, cleaning the house, taking out the trash. Weird, but I’ll take it.

As I clear out my emo crap, I have more room for nice stuff. I know I say that a lot, but it’s really nice to have room for nice stuff inside. I find that I can slow down, so I don’t feel like time is flying by, but a month takes a month. Conversely, slowing down inside can make the week that’s dragging by move at a more normal pace.

And the more I clear out my emo stuff, the more my spirit comes to know itself, the more juice I have for you, for my family, for my communities. I find that exercising my generosity is another way I experience joy.

How have I changed from ignoring my spirit to experiencing spirit with joy?

Friday, January 31, 2014

From Pointless to Pointful

How do I live a meaningful life? Why do I make a difference? What makes me see my divinity?

Aren’t these nice questions?

Are you getting nice answers? Or at least a nice feeling? Keep asking, and maybe mess with the wording a bit.

Back when, I made a difference by setting a bad example. At least, that’s how I felt. But then, so much of how we experience the world is based on how we feel.

If I want to feel like I’m living a meaningful life, and I don’t, then I need to look at me for my solutions. I need to look at what I’m doing. Do I have activities that feel meaningful to me? Do I take care of my family in ways that make a difference to them? Maybe I do some volunteer work in one of my communities. Perhaps there is an elderly neighbor I check in on.

I need to look at my thoughts. Am I putting me down all the time? Telling myself that I don’t matter, what I do doesn’t matter, that I am dirt, or scum, or garbage? I may have some other version of I’m not good enough. Or that I’m wrong, or bad for simply existing. We all have something like that, our Personal Doubt.

Maybe in my thoughts, I say that my work is bad, that I don’t do enough for anyone, that my efforts don’t count. We may have a way of putting down our efforts, or diminishing or degrading what we accomplish. We may try extra hard, or we may give up. Either way, those decisions are based on old old old mislearnings on which we base our understanding of the world.

Sometimes, we end up pumping up our efforts false, to try to cover up how bad we feel.

Not very meaningful. In fact, it is really sad that so many of us live like this.

How do I feel when I feel my divinity? What makes me feel sacred? How do I experience my natural life?

When I start choosing to live my natural live, I start unchoosing my mislearnings. I am willing to look at me, to consider that my beliefs may need an overhaul. When I start choosing to live my natural life, I am willing to entertain the possibility that maybe my ideas about who I am, how I am, and maybe even why I am, are off. Maybe even really off. And I become willing to release those old beliefs and start incorporating new ones, ones that support my natural life, support simple changes, support good tiny choices every day.

When I start feeling my natural life, I will find moments of bliss on a regular basis, I will feel joy frequently. I will find even my mundane tasks satisfying. I will feel that my day’s activities mattered, that I made a contribution. I will feel like I was naturally kind and compassionate. I will feel my wisdom, and see my brilliance. I will expect miracles, and I will recognize them, and feel appreciation for them. I will fall asleep contented with my day, and awake looking forward to another day of peaceful core, relaxed in mind and body, with passions to pursue, people to love and engage with, and a sense of the pervasive sacredness of life.

How have I changed from feeling like it’s all pointless to fully experiencing my natural life?

Monday, January 20, 2014

How to Know Thyself

I studied Greek Philosophy in college. I loved reading Plato and his stories about Socrates. What a weirdo he was, but I liked his questions. And I liked his idea of knowing one’s self. He would have loved Creative Questions.

I also read something back in the day that said something about enlightened people have no unconscious material. I like that, too, although I don’t know that I agree.

Knowing myself goes beyond what my favorite color is, and what my politics or religious beliefs are. It goes beyond knowing how I’m likely to respond in a given situation. Like, I’m one of those people who stays really cool during a crisis, and shuts down afterwards.

Why do I know what I like? How do I respect me? What makes me aware?

What are my secrets? Have I told at least one trustworthy person, not necessarily the same person, all of them? Have I done the same with the challenging things that happened to me? Have I processed and integrated those feelings so the memories are clean? And have I forgiven me, and the others?

Why do I forgive? What makes me compassionate? What makes me feel clear?

What are my patterns? My patterns at work, my patterns in my family? My patterns in my relationships? What things that I don’t like happen to me over and over? How do I feel around authority figures? About what do I say, “I always...” and “I never...?” What are my patterns that make me feel bad?

What do I think about me and money? Me and luck? Me and relationships? Me and work? Me and challenges or crises? Me and health? Me and sleep? Me and discipline? What are the things I say to me about me and these things? Do I say things like, “I can’t, I never, I don’t, I always” and feel bad about it?

Where are my resentments? Who am I blaming? Where do I lay fault? Where do I shirk? Or where am I taking responsibilities that are not mine?

What are behaviors I have that I’m proud of? Do they support me and you? Or just me? What are the behaviors I have that I’m ashamed of? How do I feel about people? Are there people I have strong, negative feelings whom I don’t know? What are my favorite things to have negative emotional judgments about?

What are the ways that I spend my time that make me feel good? Where do I feel productive? What inspires me? How am I motivated?

I know these are really advanced concepts. I mean, when I started on my path, it took me a couple years just to figure out what I had been feeling last week when you said that thing to me.

It’s totally worth it. Even if you are starting where I started, with no idea at all of who I was. Uncovering my unconscious mind is a process. It takes practice. I will often feel challenged by it, but when I remember that everything in there is something I've already lived through, I do better. When I remember that I only gain by my efforts, more of who I am, more depth in my relationships, more bliss, more peace, I do better. Becoming aware of who I am will make a nice difference in the quality of my life.

How have I changed from ignoring who I am to becoming the person who knows me best?

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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Unlikely Gifts

The card I pulled today was the Why am I spiritual? card. It made me think about “best teachers” again, a concept I have found wonderfully useful, so maybe you will, too.

Each of us has lots of people in our lives. They play a multitude of roles for us, with us. Some of them we teach, some teach us. Of our teachers, some teach by example, some teach by creating situations for us to work through. One might call them spiritual puzzlers.

These Best Teachers are really super annoying. They are often thoughtless, full of bad behaviors, sometimes they are even mean or abusive. You know you’ve got your own best teacher because they not only make your day worse with their naughtiness, but they move into your head, rent-free, and take up valuable real estate.

You know you have your very own Best Teacher when you find yourself rehashing old set-tos with them, and how you could have bested them, or imagining fresh set-tos, and getting yourself all riled up when they aren’t even there.

Perhaps they get you to yell with them in anger, or to throw stuff. Or maybe they scare the bejesus out of you. They are adept at throwing us into our weakest places.

They bring out the worst in us.

That’s why we are blessed with them, our Best Teachers; to bring out the worst in us so we can clean it up and let it go.

I know, I know, but I don’t make the rules, I just report ‘em.

I have found that, in general, I have one BT at a time. I have also found that there is usually one very important lesson they present. Sometimes it is about unlearning something I’ve believed for yonks. Sometimes it is about learning more about a quality like understanding, or patience, or not to be patient. Patience isn’t always a good thing.

I had one BT who would come up to me at work and start yelling, telling me how worthless I was. Seriously. I learned two things; don’t take on stuff that says I’m bad. It’s not true. And, just because you are freaking out doesn’t mean I have to go there with you. It was so strange to just sit there, finding my calm center with someone yelling at me, often with an audience, but I succeeded.

When I learn the lesson, really get it, something happens. Sometimes they leave my life. Seriously. They move away, or get a new job, or maybe they just disappear. However it goes, they are gone. Othertimes, they just stop being so annoying. That’s weird, but really nice.

I love it when I recognize a BT. I know I will have some challenging times, but that at the end of it, I will be happier, cleaner, and lighter in my spirit.

Taking a few moments to identify your current BT, and then to spend a little time thinking about the gift they are bringing you is guaranteed to bring lovely results. Identifying your bad-behavior responses to your BT will help. It will also help to love yourself for showing these behaviors so you can clean them up, because dark-sides need love, too.

How have I changed from disliking my annoying people to recognizing my Best Teachers and the gifts they bring?

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Finding Spirit

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never found a good, solid, clear definition of spirituality. I am not religious per se, but I do have spiritual feelings. Sorting out my ideas about my spirituality has been like the story of the seven blind men trying to describe an elephant; an elephant is like a rope, an elephant is like a tree, like the side of a hut, like the leaf of a banana tree; the tail, the leg, the body, the ear.

So I feel my way along, gleaning a little information here, a little more understanding there. I use my heart to feel my way.

For me, being spiritual has several parts. Part one is recognizing the brilliance of nature. Spotting the golden ration out in the world, watching the results of our planet turning, listening to the birdies chattering, checking out a snowflake, or a stone. Why do I slow down and see? Why can I hear?

Part two is noticing my beliefs. Once I’ve identified a belief, I check it out and see how it fits with my primary commandment: Be excellent to each other. Since I am an “other” for someone, I figure that puts me in there, too. So I look for beliefs that diminish me, or you, and then set about changing them. Why am I good to myself? What makes me compassionate?

Part three is noticing my attitude. Oh, man, I used to hate that line, “You need to change your attitude, Missy!” I think it was the “Missy” that was like a poke in the chest and would get me all riled up. On the other hand, they were right, and eventually I did. And I do. I’ve learned that my day sucks only when I let it suck.

When I let myself relax out and away from my knee-jerk-y, negative emotional judgments, when I can relax away from worry and fear and anger, when I soften into my natural life, I see your good heart. I see your challenges and feel compassion and can find respect. When I feel compassion and respect for you, our relationship shifts. You don’t have to do a thing. It's like adding a paperclip to an element in a mobile -- everything has to shift to accommodate that little change.

So, my spiritual practice consists of being aware of my insides and outsides most of the time. Of noticing crappy beliefs that don’t support my prime directive, and change ‘em. Of noticing my attitude and changing it as needed. I meditate, I practice qigong, and I practice tonglen.

One of the ways I practice tonglen is to remember, “Other people feel this discomfort, too. May we all be free of this.” Simple, easy. The point is that I am never “the only one.” When I think, “I am the only one who ever blah blah blah,” I can bet my booty that my ego is running the show.

When my ego is running the show, stuff is going to get weird. I am going to feel put upon, or I will want to put upon you. I will bring all my worst stuff to the surface, and justify it all to heck and back. I will feel righteous. Putting you down feels natural to me in that state, because I am better than you.

Ew.

So that’s part of it, too. Noticing when I’ve let my ego-self take over, and letting go, relaxing back into my natural life. And remembering that each person in my life brings me a gift of some sort each day. If I can’t see it, the failing is mine, and only mine, and they will bring it again to me tomorrow.

How have I changed from feeling a spiritual disconnect to feeling spirit throughout my life?