SunAgape's Spot: victim

Showing posts with label victim. Show all posts

Thursday, July 03, 2014

Picky Picky Picky

Everyday I have the opportunity to transform my life. From the moment I wake up until I fall asleep, I have the opportunity to choose. Sometimes it is a pretty neutral choice, like whether to have coffee or tea with breakfast. It can be a choice we barely notice, like whether we greet the day with a smile or a frown.

Tiny choices all day long.

Why can I choose? What makes me decide? How do I pick my path?

When I choose to start my day on an upbeat note, I will make my tiny choices to support that. When the little snafus happen, like dropping the toothbrush, they make me laugh instead of pissing me off. I can do my routines, but with awareness, so I can change them up if they aren’t working as best they can. I can remember that I like you before I start kvetching at you.

I get to decide.

When things happen, I get to choose to flow with them. I start by practicing with little things like changed plans, dropped stuff, computer foul-ups, misunderstandings. Then, when the big stuff shows up, I automatically choose to flow with it. And life is easy, and I can have fun, and it’s all good.

Why is it so easy? Why do I enjoy myself? How do I know how to choose?

When I choose to stay sad, or blue, or depressed, I don’t have fun. People disappoint me. Stuff goes wrong, I feel misunderstood, sunshine feels mocking. I have a difficult time feeling productive, I often don’t sleep well. and the list goes on.

I also make bad decisions, choices that keep me stuck, and stuck often means that I just sink deeper.

Sometimes, I feel like that because I am keeping myself in a bad situation. And I get the idea that I can’t leave it. Can’t. That’’s what I chose for years, can’t. I can’t do that, I can’t leave him, I can’t go there, I can’t can’t can’t. It all just sucks.

Victim. Martyr. It’s all your fault, and no one else can do what I can do. Except when I can’t.

The way I get out of it, the only way, is to choose. I have to decide that I am going to make my life nicer, and do what it takes. I may need some help, I will need to change some of my favorite bad beliefs, I may need to lose some relationships. Misery buddies don’t support a nice life, they adore to rehearse the bad stuff, so I will have to break up with them. There have been times in my life, twice, when I had to leave a group of misery buddies. I got lonesome, but I felt way better.

Choosing to smile, choosing to look for the good, choosing to seek out the hidden fun, choosing to connect, choosing to engage, is all my choice. The more I choose that stuff, the easier it gets, the nicer my day goes, and the faster I remember to chose it when I can.

How have I changed from choosing the dark side to choosing the light?

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Victims and Martyrs

I’m going to put some tough talk out here today. We need to come to this topic with an open mind, open hearts. It will require that we let go a lot of old beliefs that have been harming us, holding us back for a long time. We deserve better.

Is someone out there making your life miserable? Are they causing you pain or trouble? Are you cut by their words or actions? Is someone making you feel scared or mad or guilty?

Are you spending your days doing tasks you hate? Does it seem like chores you resent having to do all you spend your time on? Are people constantly taking advantage of your good nature, and never appreciating you?

When we answer any of those questions with a yes, we are choosing to be victims and martyrs. This efficiently cuts us off from our divinity, our natural life.

When I choose to let you bully me I ignore my own power, my own responsibility for my well being, and I make you responsible for my happiness. So, if you are acting angry, I lose. If you are behaving in a passive-aggressive way, I lose. By choosing to let your behavior make me feel fear, guilt, or anger, I am choosing stuck.

When I decide that I have to do it all, that no one else does it right, or well enough, when I feel disappointed by my relationships, when I need to talk about how rotten everything is all the time, but do nothing to change it, I ignore my own power. By choosing to blame, complain, and feel trapped, I am choosing stuck.

I don’t know about you, but I am so sick of stuck.

How do I recognize my power? What makes me confident? How do I know I am strong?

As with so many things, a huge part of making my life better is choosing to change my way of looking at things. If I am a divine and infinite being, I have solutions. I have a sense of strength, confidence, and competence. I know I can make it through whatever. I feel supported, I have resources.

When I feel bad and it’s all your fault, I’m victimizing myself. When I do and do and do and am never feeling appreciated, I’m martyring myself. You can’t do this to me. You can be cruel to me, you can never even notice what I do, but I’m the one who ends up choosing to feel bad about that. Me.

It’s a bitter pill, to let go of blame. We like to blame. When they act poorly, we want to put the blame on them, and not take responsibility for how we feel. And so we are choosing stuck.

Why do I choose to be free? What makes me responsible? How am I competent to take care of me? Why do I feel compassion?

I want to feel clean, open, soft and flowing with my life. I want to learn my lessons, live with compassion, mindfulness, and freedom. I cannot do that when I think that it’s all your fault.

How have I changed from blaming to living in my own divinity?

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Tuesday, February 11, 2014

To Be Our Best Selves

All of us like to feel supportive of our loved ones. We want to help them achieve their dreams, heal their wounds, soothe their sorrows. We want to bring them joy, make things easier, keep stuff simple for them.

Or do we?

I was astonished and kind of horrified when I realized that I was supporting you in bad behaviors, supporting you in being miserable, in suffering, in stuff that was full of bad vibes. I would commiserate with you about how awful so-and-so was, about how bad the job was, about how terrible the world was.

I had friendships where that’s what we did, bitch and moan. Misery buddies. Flying directly in the face of what I had sworn I wanted, to be happy. Why on earth would I do that?

And that’s the rub: Bitching is fun. Saying rotten things about other people is fun. Sharing a whinge with your pal is a bonding thing. Sigh. It’s fun, but it doesn’t move us forward, it just holds us back. Low vibration stuff.

How have I changed from bad-mouthing you to truly supporting you?

I had a friend who said, “You can complain about the same thing three times without doing anything about it. After that, I don’t wanna hear about it unless you are changing it.” Back when she said that to me, I was crushed. Wasn’t she there to hear my woes? Well, no, she was there to support me in being my best self. Woeful is not my best self.

How have I changed from rehearsing the crap to seeking out the good?

When we support each other in a victim stance, we sure are not supporting our best selves. I am not a victim of life’s circumstances, unless I choose to be. We are not victims of our bodies, our abusers, our jobs, our food choices, our exercise programs, or our children or parents needs unless we choose to be. This is a great big steaming pile of important right here. Blaming each other, or parts of ourselves, or our past, for our emo crap is low vibration stuff, too. Right up there with bitchin’. Or should I say, down there.

I need to own my part of what I’m doing, and let it go. I may have all kinds and sorts of chronic stuff; body stuff, behavior patterns, bad habits; and maybe these things feel like they are getting in my way. Am I addressing the topic? Am I getting help if I need help? If I’ve tried ten things and failed, am I seeking out the eleventh? Conversely, if I feel loathe to give up X, my bad habit, my bad pattern, my bad stomach stuff, is there a secondary gain I’m getting from it? Does it mean I can avoid doing things I don’t wanna do? Does it mean I can say “no” to things and feel less guilty or selfish? Does it mean I can beat myself up and prove I’m no good? Yeah, secondary gains are sneaky.

When I unchoose bitching and victim-ing and martyr-ing and sucking, I can start to be truly supportive of your amazing self. I can model better behavior, I can listen deeply, and hear what you are saying underneath, I can help you find solutions, and resolutions. I have easy access to compassion. I can comfort effortlessly.

How have I changed from supporting you in low vibration stuff to supporting you to be your best self?

Friday, November 01, 2013

Powering Your Life

In the dark ages, I believed that there was nothing I could put my hand to that I couldn’t fail at. I had a lot of support for that notion, which made me try all the harder, and, while I was, more often than not, very successful, all I counted were the failures.

I’m still working on this one, although it has gotten a lot better.

Why am I capable?

As is often the case when we have stuff come up, it seems to have a lot to do with other people when it actually has to do with us; our attitudes, our beliefs, our convictions.

When I take responsibility for my life, when I decide to be a grownup, this is one of the things I will end up addressing over and over, wanting to place responsibility for my stuff on you. Sorry about that.

As long as I believe that you will decide if I am capable, I give you my power.

As long as I believe that you will decide if I am accomplished, I give you my power.

As long as I believe that you will decide if I am worthy, I give you my power.

Why do I choose my power?

One of the most important aspects of personal, and human, evolution is taking personal responsibility for our stuff.

Taking responsibility isn’t about blaming ourselves, it’s about saying, “Yes, I did that,” with my head held high, making amends if I can, and addressing the topic by whatever means I can find to resolve it.

When someone does something to me don’t like, my inclination to blame them for being crummy to me makes me a victim. When I choose, even unconsciously, to be a victim, I deny my power, and start a spiral that can bring me down so fast my head will spin.

When someone does something in a manner I don’t like, and I take over, I am choosing, even unconsciously, to be a martyr, and I deny my power.

When I hold on tight to beliefs that hurt me, or people who don’t encourage my best self, or occupations that are unsatisfying, my stubbornness causes me to deny my power.

When I bend over backwards to try to satisfy you, please you, win your approval, I deny my power.

When I am acting from my power, your behavior will not trigger me. I respond to my surroundings, I respond to you, I choose my thoughts. I don’t cave in to pressure from the outside.

When I act from my power, I am naturally capable, competent, positive. I am naturally relaxed, peaceful, satisfied. I enjoy bliss and joy easily and frequently. Life is easy and fun.

How have I changed from denying my power to knowing I am capable?

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

How to Use Your Sword of Power

One of the many things I found baffling in the sorry days of yesteryear was the whole idea of personal power. It made no sense to me, mainly because I had no sense of it. Funny how that stuff goes.

You probably already get this, but I gotta say, it was a serious revelation to me. So let’s lift our Swords of Power and get going.

At the bottom of it all, we are each responsible for own selves. Whether we own and act on that responsibility is, of course, another matter.

I can’t actually give away my power. And you can’t take it from me. (Oo, the victim inside me is getting pissed.)

What I do is choose to act as though you have my power. That choice is usually out of my consciousness, based on habits I established a long time ago when I was a little child and my access route to my personal power was just developing. People who had authority over me abused that authority, and royally screwed up my system.

The whos, whys, and wherefores of that don’t fundamentally matter. That’s story. It’s good to tell to get it out, so it’s not a secret, but the telling is not necessary to heal.

What matters is that I correct it.

Once I am an adult, you cannot victimized me. I victimize me in your name. You can be horrible to me, but I have the power to decide whether you will vanquish my spirit. You cannot get inside my mind, I create a version of me that looks like you inside my mind. Then I can blame that avatar, and then blame you, and I get to feel vindicated. Except that I feel like a powerless victim.

Oh, that made me so mad! I fought it for a long time. And when at last I accepted it, I felt such glorious freedom.

You cannot force me to join your rubber room party. If you are inviting me to feel crazy with you, I have to choose whether to go along.

I can choose to be clean and separate from your shenanigans. I can choose to be clean and separate from your anger, or fear, or madness. I can choose to leave, or to allow, or to change. Me, I can. I have the POWER!

How do I know I am powerful? How do I know I am responsible for me? What makes me grow up?

If I want more confidence, all I need to do is take more responsibility for how I feel, and realize that I can choose to think a thought, or not think a thought. This is part of what meditation does for us, and one of the best reasons to practice. I learn to allow my thoughts to flow, and not have to follow them, and if I do follow one, I learn to pull back to stillness, which is the source of our personal power.

When I own my power, I am confident. I don’t need to worry because I trust that I will know what to do as my life unfolds. When I own my power, it is easier for me to love you unconditionally because I know that you can’t make me. So I can let all that go, and open my heart to you.

How have I changed from feeling powerless to lifting my Sword of Power?

Monday, September 16, 2013

From Apathy to Sympathy

Meh.

Who cares?

I would hazard a guess that we all get here from time to time, for a thousand different reasons.

Perhaps I’ve agreed to do too much, ala Martyr Me, and so I’ve used up my caring. Perhaps I have been choosing the blues, and so my caring is all plugged up with apathy. Perhaps I am using all my care up on my own self, my problems, my victimhood, my disappointments.

Not caring isn’t a fun place. Apathy is kind of bleak. It’s also a wonderful indication that we’ve gotten off track somehow.

I’m not talking about caring about specific stuff, mind you. There are lots of things in the world I will most likely never care about. We all have those things. It’s a marvelous use of our judgment.

I am talking about that general kind of malaise that sets in, not quite depression, just, well, meh.

Why do I care? How do I know that it matters? What make me make a difference?

When I am feeling meh, I can often flip it around by helping someone else. This technique is really useful for busting up a pity party. In fact, it’s a cornerstone of 12-step groups, helping a new person find their way.

It is sometimes really useful to be around others who have more topics up than we do. (And I will own that when I was deep into my own pity-party, knowing others had it worse than I just pissed me off big time.)

When we relax into our natural lives, caring about each other comes naturally. Compassion is a fundamental component of our perfect selves, and when we let ourselves soften into our core, it is just how we are, it’s just what we do. We choose the places that matter the most to us, and we give of our time, our energy, our resources as a matter of course.

When we relax into our natural lives, we seek solutions rather than worrying our troubles to death. When we relax into our natural live, we are aware of life-enhancing resources and pay attention to those, we are aware of the members of our communities who can help each other, support each other.

When we relax into our natural lives, we see possibilities. We come up with creative ideas to help us all, we enjoy being present for each other, to lend a hand, an ear, or a raft of ideas.

And, weirdly, caring, and then helping, often generates feeling of gratitude for being able to be of service to others. And isn’t that nice!

How have I changed from apathy to making a difference?

Friday, August 30, 2013

The Boss of Me

Somedays I feel like the only reason folks want me around is for what I can do to make their lives nicer. I know, even your goofy, giggly philosopher guru has her moments. I also know that, when I am feeling that way, I have fallen into an old habit, an old thought rut, and that I can get out of it quickly and easily, and the more I do that, the easier it gets.

When I feel like that, I think of it as the Drudge Syndrome, I know I have some regrouping to do, because, in addition to being a drama queen, I was also a martyr, oh, yeah, and a victim.

The moment I really got it was while complaining to a beloved houseguest. I was going on about how he didn’t help me, and suddenly noticed that I was standing in the doorway with my arms outstretched in a classic crucifix posture. It totally cracked me up.

When I am a drama queen, I allow and encourage my feelings to escalate and cascade until I am a screaming harridan, or sobbing snotty mess and nothing was EVER this bad. When I am a victim, I feel set upon, I feel hopeless and powerless and scared, and nothing will EVER get me out of it. When I am a martyr, I feel superior, I feel isolated, I often feel angry and resentful, and nothing you do will EVER be good enough.

Yuck-a-roni.

You know how much better my life is now. I had to make it better or die. Seriously. I had to decide, and commit. I had to let go of my drama queen, and yes, she left kicking and screaming and scrabbling at my ankle. I had to cast out my victim, who wondered what on earth would become of her, and I had to evict my martyr, who said, “You’ll never survive without me!”

I have no words for how much I prefer living without those roommates.

The other one is also really common, she’s the “unwanted one.” Not as catchy a moniker, but then she wouldn’t have a flashy name, would she. She’s the one who only gets to hang around with us because she treats, or she drives, or she has a pool, or something like that. As far as she is concerned, no one would have her around if it weren’t for X.

Sigh.

She never quite includes herself, and, even though we include her, she always hangs back, she never joins in.

How do I feel when I feel wanted? Why do I feel welcome? What makes me included?

When I choose to be a part of my community, everything shifts. When I decide that I am welcome wherever I go, people are happy to see me. No, really. It’s freaky. When I choose to be on your side, stuff goes so much better. You can try to include me until your eyes cross and your lips turn blue, but until I decide to include me, I’m on the outside.

Over and over, it seems like I am the one who is responsible for my happiness. May as well just suck it up, and get happy.

How have I changed from feeling like it’s all your fault to knowing I am the boss of me?