Who I am

Who I am

Semantics play a huge part in our experience of the world. Each of us has our own, very personal idea of what words mean. Happily, we have enough overlap to communicate with each other, one of those fundamental miracles of existence.  

It can be a huge relief to notice what words and phrases give us a bop. When I notice that everytime I hear the word X I get mad, or feel scared, or disrespected, or something, and then remember that it’s my thing, I don’t end up mad at you and kind of wondering why.

The next piece that happens is about feelings. Certain words will lead to unconscious thoughts, which manifest emotions and ultimately, feelings.

For me, there is a distinct difference between feeling needed and feeling wanted.

When I feel needed, it feels impersonal to me. That is, I feel like a thing providing a service. I don’t like that feeling. Used to be for me that I wanted to feel needed more than anything. Indispensible. Being indispensible was hard, took a lot of time and effort. The payoff was meager. But, since at that time in my life, I couldn’t feel appreciated, and barely could feel love, it’s what I could handle.

How do I feel when I feel wanted? What makes me feel wanted?

When we take the time to look at what we want, what we need, we stand a much better chance of feeling satisfied with our days.

When I recognize that part of feeling wanted for me is feeling included, it is easier for me to get there. Another part of feeling wanted for me is feeling appreciated. I feel chosen and valued. When those things line up, I feel wanted.

I am the one who must line them up. I am the one who can open my heart, I am the one who can choose to feel included, who can choose to feel appreciated, chosen, and valued. Until I choose to let those feelings happen, no matter how much you might feel them for me, I will be without.

When I decide to be soul-happy, I make a commitment to come to know myself. Socrates, rather dramatically, says, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” While I wouldn’t go that far, I do think that the better we come to know ourselves, to delve into our unconscious material, the more self we have. And since we are infinite and divine beings, there’s a lot to know.

I am the one who lets me feel love. When I know what I feel when I feel love, I can correct it if I need to. Sometimes we have weird stuff conflated with the nice stuff, like, in order to feel loved, I also need to feel abused.

Choosing to be happy is an act of courage. Choosing to look inside is one, too. It helps to remember that we have already lived through everything that has happened to us. It also helps to remember that we won’t remember anything we aren’t ready to accept. We are worth it. We are worth living a clean and happy life. Our natural life is so nice, so easy, so fun. The more we relax and let go of our old stuff, the more we use our Creative Questions, the more time we spend there.

How have I changed from ignoring who I am to being thrilled with getting to know me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12222013

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Being Great

Being Great

You matter so much. You make such an amazing difference in the world. Do you have any idea of all the lives you’ve touched?

The honest answer is, not in the least. We can’t know. We can guess, but we do stuff everyday that has an impact on those around us, and then ripples out. The random smile, the words of comfort, the offer of help,

We all have bad days, when we are crabby, or rude. Sometimes others see us as being that way when we aren’t. In the grand scheme of things, meh.

Because, in general, I know you. I know you because you are here, and reading these words, that you are making an effort to make your life nice, and that part of that is being kind and present and aware out in the world.

I know that you often go out of your way to be helpful, or to offer a little comfort to someone who needs it, sometimes not even someone you know. I know that you try to give a little extra at work, at home, at church, or in your other communities.

I know that sometimes you feel unappreciated, or like no matter what you do, it doesn’t change anything. I know that some days you wonder how you will go on, doing all you do. I know your heart gets heavy, your shoulders sag, and sometimes you even get water coming out from your face.

I am here to ask you, “How do you know that you matter?”

What you do makes a difference, even if the people around you don’t acknowledge it. You do make a difference, even if you can’t see it. You do make a difference, you matter, you are special, and bring your special gifts to the world every day.

What’s more, you are here for a reason, whether you’ve figured out what it is yet. You are not just some random collection of genes and DNA. You have gifts and talents, you have developed skills and judgment, you have your unique combination of experiences, and your unique point of view.

I can spend the whole day saying how great you are, all the things I like about you, but my words, my appreciation, my love is useless to you, unless you feel it, too.

I have to find my way to feeling like I make a difference. I have to own that I am important. I have to recognize that I am special. How do I feel when I am important? How do I feel when I matter? How do I feel when I am interesting and engaging?

When I can start to feel that within me, that what I do makes a difference, I begin to be able to let go of needing you to validate me. I begin to be free.

As I start to own that I matter, I don’t need as much from the outside, so I have more juice on the inside. I can take better care of me, and then I can take better care of you, without resentment, without feeling ripped off if you aren’t somehow doing something to “make” me feel good about me.

How have I changed from feeling small to knowing I matter?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12112013

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Dispelling Soft Addictions

Dispelling Soft Addictions

The choice card came up this morning. It seemed like a good time to talk about soft addictions. You know the ones, the apparently harmless little activities that suck up your time, your energy, and leave you feeling strangely dissatisfied at the end of the day.

TV, Internet, and video games are awesome soft addictions. We can fall into them and suddenly, it’s time for bed, and where the heck did the evening go?

But then, we also have shopping, glamorizing, car tinkering and washing, puzzles, exercising, and so on. Lots of choices. Each of us most likely has a bunch of favorites.

Well, I know I do.  There are things I do that leave me feeling accomplished, and then there are the things that don’t.

For example, when I read a book, I feel accomplished, almost regardless of the topic. I think, “Well, good for me! I finished that book.” On the other hand, when I spend the evening watching TV, I don’t say, “Good for me! I spent three hours watching TV.” Instead, I may feel a tad guilty for doing that instead of doing blah blah blah.

A soft addiction is very different on the inside of me from a hobby. When I am knitting I feel productive. When I am playing solitaire, I don’t. When I spend time with my pets I feel satisfied. An hour of web surfing may feel satisfying or productive, three hours doesn’t.

Now, I think we need to have some non-productive time. I think it’s good for us in doses. We need to keep it in balance; we don’t have a cake for dinner and a pork chop and green bean tartlet for dessert. Keeping our awareness of what we are doing will help. It is all about choice.

So here’s the thing. I can’t tell you what wastes your time, only you know what it is for you. For me, solitaire on my phone is a seductive time sucker with it’s sporadic gratifications, but for you, it could be productive time. You might be in a tournament, or have a social group you connect with through solitaire.

For me, putting the TV on before 10:30 at night is a time waster. I tell me I am relaxing, but I’m not, I’m vacating, or worse, avoiding or procrastinating. Reading for a couple hours feels productive and relaxing.

When I have been ill or recovering from something, some of my soft addiction behaviors  have been useful to distract me from the intense sensations in my physical body. Then, they are productive behaviors, not time wasters.

The only way I can tell the difference is to notice how I feel inside. That means I have to choose to be aware of me. Sometimes that’s scary. Maybe I don’t want to notice that the evening is stretching out ahead, a barren wasteland, until bedtime. This is when I need to choose. Will I go to a favorite time waster? Or will I go something else so I go to bed satisfied?

Perhaps I could go for a walk, I could spend 15 minutes on a task or chore, or visit an elder, or volunteer somewhere. When I am stuck in me, helping you helps me a lot. There are tons of places that would be thrilled to have your help. In fact, just researching that online could help the evening feel productive.

I have to choose. I have to choose what I’m going to do, how I’m going to spend my time. I can’t ever really abdicate my choice, it’s all choice. How do I want to feel at the end of my day?

Owning that I have to choose puts me in control, of my behavior, of my thoughts, and that’s a powerful place to be.

How have I changed from frittering away my time to spending it by my choice?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 09142013

The Friend in the Mirror

The Friend in the Mirror

Have you met my dear friend? She’s cool; smart, kind, generous, fun to hang around with. She’s got good ideas about stuff, too. I like how she takes care of herself, and her family, and communities, and her pets, I like how dedicated she is to the stuff she believes in. And I like that she treats me with respect and kindness, and goofiness.

I met her in the mirror.

Go look in the mirror your own self, I bet you could meet a wonderful friend there, too.

What a great place to practice being lovely with ourselves, in the mirror. So often, the way we talk to ourselves is full of negativity. We criticise, we nag, we scold. Imagine how we would feel if that friend in the mirror smiled at us, told us how good we look, wished us a nice day.

How do I feel when I am kind to myself?

When I treat myself kindly, I feel better. I feel loved, but there are other things, too. When I am kind to myself, I take good care of me. I feed me better, I move me around, like a nice walk, or some good stretches, maybe play with my hand weights, or dancing, because I know how much I love to dance. I show me lovely things, I dress me nicely. You see what I mean.

How do I feel when I treat me with respect?

When I am respectful to myself, I acknowledge my feelings, but don’t need to splash them around, because I’ve experienced them. It means I have way less apologizing to do.  When I am respectful to myself, I say “yes” better. When I am respectful to myself, I can decide what I will do, what makes the best use of my time for me and my family, and my other commitments. When I am respectful to myself, I know my limits.

How do I feel when I enjoy my own company?

When I enjoy my own company, I know what I like. I have opinions about things. I have taken the time to decide what I want, and I know that my goals are worth pursuing. When I enjoy my own company, I find value in spending some time by myself to meditate, or contemplate, to get to know me, to consider my world-view and to decide what I want to change.

How do I feel when I take care of me?

When I take care of me, I am aware of me. I am aware of my thoughts and feelings, I am aware of my body moving through my day and my space. I am aware of where I put my keys, wallet, and cell phone. I am aware of what I’m saying. I notice when I start to feel bad, and take measures to address it to bring me back. By taking care of me, I end up feeling good more and more of the time.

How do I feel when I am my best friend?

When I am my best friend, I trust me. I know I act in my best interests, with love and kindness. I will say “no” or “just do it now” or “choose something that makes you feel good” instead of encouraging me to squander my well being for a moment of gratification.

I will tell me things I might rather not hear, I will help me grow, and mature. I will help me deepen my other relationships,

Well, what a nice friend!

How have I changed from barely knowing the face in the mirror to loving it with all my hear?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 09022113