Who I am

Who I am

Semantics play a huge part in our experience of the world. Each of us has our own, very personal idea of what words mean. Happily, we have enough overlap to communicate with each other, one of those fundamental miracles of existence.  

It can be a huge relief to notice what words and phrases give us a bop. When I notice that everytime I hear the word X I get mad, or feel scared, or disrespected, or something, and then remember that it’s my thing, I don’t end up mad at you and kind of wondering why.

The next piece that happens is about feelings. Certain words will lead to unconscious thoughts, which manifest emotions and ultimately, feelings.

For me, there is a distinct difference between feeling needed and feeling wanted.

When I feel needed, it feels impersonal to me. That is, I feel like a thing providing a service. I don’t like that feeling. Used to be for me that I wanted to feel needed more than anything. Indispensible. Being indispensible was hard, took a lot of time and effort. The payoff was meager. But, since at that time in my life, I couldn’t feel appreciated, and barely could feel love, it’s what I could handle.

How do I feel when I feel wanted? What makes me feel wanted?

When we take the time to look at what we want, what we need, we stand a much better chance of feeling satisfied with our days.

When I recognize that part of feeling wanted for me is feeling included, it is easier for me to get there. Another part of feeling wanted for me is feeling appreciated. I feel chosen and valued. When those things line up, I feel wanted.

I am the one who must line them up. I am the one who can open my heart, I am the one who can choose to feel included, who can choose to feel appreciated, chosen, and valued. Until I choose to let those feelings happen, no matter how much you might feel them for me, I will be without.

When I decide to be soul-happy, I make a commitment to come to know myself. Socrates, rather dramatically, says, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” While I wouldn’t go that far, I do think that the better we come to know ourselves, to delve into our unconscious material, the more self we have. And since we are infinite and divine beings, there’s a lot to know.

I am the one who lets me feel love. When I know what I feel when I feel love, I can correct it if I need to. Sometimes we have weird stuff conflated with the nice stuff, like, in order to feel loved, I also need to feel abused.

Choosing to be happy is an act of courage. Choosing to look inside is one, too. It helps to remember that we have already lived through everything that has happened to us. It also helps to remember that we won’t remember anything we aren’t ready to accept. We are worth it. We are worth living a clean and happy life. Our natural life is so nice, so easy, so fun. The more we relax and let go of our old stuff, the more we use our Creative Questions, the more time we spend there.

How have I changed from ignoring who I am to being thrilled with getting to know me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12222013

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