Dispelling the Binding Lottery

Dispelling the Binding Lottery

One of the features of serving my time in the dark ages was that sense of aimlessness.

I have always liked to do stuff; there are so many bazillion fun things to learn how to do. That wasn’t an issue for me. I hardly ever get bored. But I wanted to feel like I’d found, and was using,  my special gift.

I heard we each had one. I had friends who knew what they wanted to do. And then I had more friends who knew what they wanted to do.

I knew what I didn’t want.

Sigh.

Most of us are really good at knowing what we don’t want. I know I talk about it a lot, but It always blows me away, until I cast my thoughts back to when I couldn’t have told you my favorite color (I have several that rotate to the top place.) or my favorite foods, or my thoughts on the hot topics of the day.

Now, back then, I spent a lot of time with people who serious over-reacted to stuff, so chancing a disagreement felt dangerous. But part of it was just not taking the time to decide.

And then I learned something really important. Learning to choose, learning to select, to decide, is a big part of becoming a grownup. Recognizing that I can’t do or see or hear or taste or experience it all, and that I have to choose.

It’s not just having a favorite color, or a favorite sweater, it’s deciding how I want to be, what I want to read, where I want to spend my energy, and with whom.

Deciding how I want to be. That’s a doozie. It will color everything. Some decisions are big, like deciding I wanted to be happy. Some decisions are relatively small, but with a big impact. I remember deciding that I wanted to be one of those people who had a group of friends to dine with once a month. I have enjoyed that decision for almost 14 years now. How do I want to be?

Seeing that I could choose what qualities I wanted in my friends, what qualities I wouldn’t accept. That was a moment of great liberation for me. I could decide that I didn’t want to be friends with people who were cruel, or dangerous, or contentious, or overly dramatic. I could choose people who had qualities I respected and admired. My choice, not some kind of binding lottery. Why do I choose to engage?

To a large extent, I get to decide how healthy, wealthy, happy, sane, content, relax, comfortable, connected, intimate, engaged, and delighted I want to be. I get to decide how generous and receptive I want to be.

And I get to realize my purpose. Now, I will say, my purpose was staring me right in the face the whole time, but it took time recognize it: I have loved to teach my whole life. I wrote my first book when I was four. I value very highly personal development. Put ‘em all together, and shake for a few years, and eh, voila!, you get daily contemplations.

How have I changed from feeling aimless to enjoying my purpose in life?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12302013