Emotional Growth University

Emotional Growth University

What makes my life magnificent? How’s that for an awesome question?

One way for me; I am in a phase where I consider myself back full time in Emotional Growth University. I am taking some fantastic classes; Releasing Your Inner Victim, Cumulative Grief - What’s in it for you? Coping with Negative People Seminar, Thriving as an Introvert Seminar, Finding Balance In Change Independent Study. I have brilliant teachers who offer me interesting challenges regularly.

EGU is an amazing place. Every class is tailored to your individual needs and to help you reach your individual goals. There are no age restrictions, and no one is ever turned away. You can’t flunk out. If you are having trouble with a particular class, you can work on the topic until you finish, even if it takes years. Classes are free to all.

One of the things about EGU is that it has no graduates. We are enrolled from our beginning all the way through to the end. We don’t get grades, and we don’t always know when we’ve either finished one course or started the next.

As a general rule, I know I am in a course when certain people offer me the same kind of challenges over and over.

Now, I believe that I am fortunate. I believe that happy is my natural state. I believe that troublesome people are in my life to teach me lessons; the more troublesome the person, the more important the lesson.

How am I lucky? Why am I happy? Why do I choose to learn my life lessons?

It has been my experience that when I learn a life lesson, the stupid, hard, annoying, or painful situation vanishes. I may think I have it, but if the situation doesn’t change, there is more for me to gain from it.

I don’t know about you, but I would much rather look at the crap in my life as a profound gift from the Universe than as random shit I have to contend with. I would rather look at the people who are pains in my patootie as teachers than as jerks. I would rather consider the challenging stuff I’m dealing with as something that I will benefit from working through instead of as ways to make me miserable. I like the idea that my challenges are custom-made just for me, because, frankly, I would hate to have to be dealing with what you are going through.

Oh, the other hand, it would be nice to get spring break.

How do I relax? What makes me calm? How do I feel when I am peaceful?

Making time everyday to check in with myself helps me stay on track. I remember to choose peaceful when I do that. When I feel peaceful, it is easy for me to feel compassion for my teachers. When I feel peaceful, I can take a step back and think about my part in my situations, and what I can do to change them. When I feel peaceful, I am responsive rather than reactive. I feel comfortable. I can see my blessings. My life is magnificent.

How have I changed from seeing pain and lack to enjoying my sumptuous life?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03212014

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Just Saying No

Just Saying No

I love it when two cards hop out from the deck. Today, the Why am I admired? and the Why am I authentic? cards popped out together.

How many of us think that if we showed our authentic self, not only would we not be admired, but even that no one would love us. Sometimes, we don’t even know that’s how we feel, we have it pushed down so far. We are barely aware of putting on a persona. Like me.

Learning to show my authentic self took me a while, and it was kind of scary in the beginning. I was used to people-pleasing. Do you know about people-pleasing? It’s a powerful emotional toxin. It’s poison to our self-esteem, death to our integrity, and makes us feel like a phoney in no time at all.

When we are people-pleasing, saying “no” feels dangerous and impossible. The more we say “yes” when we mean “no” the more we stop trusting ourselves, the more we resent ourselves, and can even end up hating ourselves. and certainly not liking the people who are making those demands on us.

We can end up feeling taken advantage of, being passive aggressive, we may even feel invisible. we may wonder why people treat us like crap when we are always so nice.

Why am I real? What makes me authentic? Why am I admired? What makes me feel celebrated?

If I am going to grow up, I need to let go of my people pleasing tendencies. I will have to choose to believe that I am as worthwhile as the people in my life I’m trying to please. I will have to make up some new boundaries that respect me.

I will have to take a leap of faith.

Why do I trust? How do I know the Universe will support me? Why can I choose?

Those leaps of faith, when we decide we will do what we need to do to save ourselves, are a big deal. It feels like taking a running jump into the Grand Canyon without a net, but I can tell you, in my experience, I’ve never seen someone take one of those leaps to grow up unsuccessfully.

As we stop agreeing to do things we don’t really want to do, we have time to do things that bring us joy. That can take a little getting used to. We will also find that the people who actually did take advantage of us kind of go away.

How am I respectful to me? What makes me treat me kindly? How am I responsible to you?

I am responsible for my well being. I cannot make you happy, healthy, sober, fun, or kind, no matter what I do. I can do those things for me, and that will change my relationships. I am responsible for my well being, but I am responsible to you. I am responsible for telling you how I really am, for setting respectful boundaries with you, for making promises I mean, and doing my best to keep them. I am responsible to you by treating our plans respectfully, showing up on time, or letting you know if I’m going to stand you up.

How have I changed from people-pleasing to owning my own mind?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03162014

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Dispelling the Binding Lottery

Dispelling the Binding Lottery

One of the features of serving my time in the dark ages was that sense of aimlessness.

I have always liked to do stuff; there are so many bazillion fun things to learn how to do. That wasn’t an issue for me. I hardly ever get bored. But I wanted to feel like I’d found, and was using,  my special gift.

I heard we each had one. I had friends who knew what they wanted to do. And then I had more friends who knew what they wanted to do.

I knew what I didn’t want.

Sigh.

Most of us are really good at knowing what we don’t want. I know I talk about it a lot, but It always blows me away, until I cast my thoughts back to when I couldn’t have told you my favorite color (I have several that rotate to the top place.) or my favorite foods, or my thoughts on the hot topics of the day.

Now, back then, I spent a lot of time with people who serious over-reacted to stuff, so chancing a disagreement felt dangerous. But part of it was just not taking the time to decide.

And then I learned something really important. Learning to choose, learning to select, to decide, is a big part of becoming a grownup. Recognizing that I can’t do or see or hear or taste or experience it all, and that I have to choose.

It’s not just having a favorite color, or a favorite sweater, it’s deciding how I want to be, what I want to read, where I want to spend my energy, and with whom.

Deciding how I want to be. That’s a doozie. It will color everything. Some decisions are big, like deciding I wanted to be happy. Some decisions are relatively small, but with a big impact. I remember deciding that I wanted to be one of those people who had a group of friends to dine with once a month. I have enjoyed that decision for almost 14 years now. How do I want to be?

Seeing that I could choose what qualities I wanted in my friends, what qualities I wouldn’t accept. That was a moment of great liberation for me. I could decide that I didn’t want to be friends with people who were cruel, or dangerous, or contentious, or overly dramatic. I could choose people who had qualities I respected and admired. My choice, not some kind of binding lottery. Why do I choose to engage?

To a large extent, I get to decide how healthy, wealthy, happy, sane, content, relax, comfortable, connected, intimate, engaged, and delighted I want to be. I get to decide how generous and receptive I want to be.

And I get to realize my purpose. Now, I will say, my purpose was staring me right in the face the whole time, but it took time recognize it: I have loved to teach my whole life. I wrote my first book when I was four. I value very highly personal development. Put ‘em all together, and shake for a few years, and eh, voila!, you get daily contemplations.

How have I changed from feeling aimless to enjoying my purpose in life?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12302013

It Takes a Hamlet

It Takes a Hamlet

I am always curious as to what card will come to me each day. I love having a little focal point in the day. Stuff comes up all the time, and I have a choice for how I’ll respond, or react, and when I have a good, solid, Creative Question floating around in my head, I often make better decisions.

I gotta say, I prefer making better decisions. In order to do that, I have to stay on top of stuff.  And by that I mean that I need to be aware of what I’m on about.

There are a few ways I’ve found to do that. One is to slow down inside, to relax. Relax. Relax.

I am, little by little, coming to recognize when I am heading to my ol’ overwhelmed feeling. I used to go there all the time. Overwhelmed would lead to headaches, and then a cold. If I played my cards right, I could end up with bronchitis or pneumonia, forcing me to back off.

I don’t know about you, but I would rather back off from the overwhelmed than have my body, uh, body-slam me into relaxing.

I have also surrounded myself with my brilliant and loving friends and family. When I have stuff come up that feels too much for just me, I go to them for comfort, and counsel, and wisdom. They helped me learn the difference between talking about what’s going on and complaining, and the difference between complaining and whining.

They taught me about how to relax and let my life flow. They stood by me as I’ve worked through my stuff, shed my tears, beaten pillows, and screamed out old traumas.

The act of evolving, becoming enlightened, or growing up, whatever you want to call it, is all about teamwork. This is a tricky one for introverts to get. It may be tricky for you extroverts, too. If it is, let me know, please.

I thought that I was supposed to do all this growing up by myself. Poor little me. I was so wrong. I need your help. I need your insights, and instruction, I need your comforting arms, and gentle hand to pet my head. I need you to remind me when I start to stray, and to give me a little shove when I get too far off the path. I need you to give me the look from time to time when I am being ridiculous, or to remind me to relax back into the flow of life.

It turns out that life is way easier when I have a great team to work with.

So now it looks like one of my tasks of growing up is to surround myself with loving, wise, supportive people.

In the dark ages, my life was full of drunks, abusers, misery buddies, and pain pals. Oy. I got a lot of support for drinking and drugging, for yelling, for acting nuts, and being dramatic. None of that really ever did much for my well being.

Choosing to step out of that into the light was the most courageous thing I ever did. All it took was a change of attitude. And creating my team.

I love having my team, and being on their teams. And, while we have to do the inside work each by our own selves, being encouraged and, best of all, loved without strings by our chosen ones is what makes the difference. I have created a lovely, loving hamlet of people who bring wonder to my life.

You can do this, too. You can start today. You can change your attitude, and set your sights to bring in true and loving friends, and to be a true and loving friend to to them.

How have I changed from struggling alone to having a life full of helpers whom I love, and who love me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11282013

De-Guilting the Lily

De-Guilting the Lily

One of the most destructive crimes perpetrated on the human race is the idea of existential guilt.  I know that’s a big statement. I know that it’s a fundamental belief for a lot of us. It has a veneer of nobility attached to it because of where we learn it, but it does awful things to us.

Guilt for being. That somehow my very existence is a taint, a blight, a squandering of resources. Oh, my. I believed that for so long. I believed some awful stuff; that if I had, someone else had not; that there was only so much to go around; that if I really showed up I would bring you down. I actually tried not to breathe to leave more air for you.

When I am trying to compensate for being alive, I do a lot of weirdo stuff. I may feel like I can never say “no” so I agree to do way more than I should, or even could, do. Over-volunteering, taking on extra projects at work, striving to be indispensable. All that work, all that striving, is exhausting, but if I’m trying to compensate, I don’t get to rest. I have to keep trying to prove my worth, to make up for being. I get so scared that the scales won’t balance, and they never will. That’s just more and more taxing, until I crack up. (I know, I’ve been there.)

Oh, my.

Sometimes, I may go the other way, and try to pretend that I’m not feeling guilty for being alive by becoming domineering and critical of you. I may poke at you for every fault I can find, and if I can’t find any, I may poke at you for the flaws I see in me. And by then, I’m pretty much just in the habit of poking at you all the time. Deep inside, I don’t feel good about that, so I am just adding to my feelings of guilt, and end up feeling angry most of the time.

Oh, dear.

How do I know I am truly innocent? What makes me pure?

As we grow up, and relax into our natural life, we start to recognise our innocence as fundamental. We catch glimpses of our perfect self, pure and shining. We see how we have done things, and we feel responsible, but we do not feel guilty.

We look dispassionately at the things we have done, and we decide if it would make things better if we did something to make amends, or not. If we aren’t sure, we will discuss it with a trustworthy person.

When we decide, we do something.

We make the amendment; we send the store the $100 we took in merchandise, we confess to the lie, we take ownership of the hurt we caused, we pay the tickets, and we do it in a grownup way, not as a punishment but lovingly and respectfully both to ourselves and the others involved. Sometimes it is better to make our amends anonymously.

Sometimes, we make amends by being charitable, or making other modifications in how we live. If I feel guilty about living in so much plenty, I share it, and let go the guilt. If I feel guilty about not doing something about human trafficking, or animal abuse, or clean water, I do something about it and let it go. If I can’t do anything, I let it go.

Sometimes the best, most loving thing we can to is to let it go. Sometimes telling someone what we did will only cause more harm. Then we tell a trustworthy person, and let it go, and own our perfect self.

Sometimes we feel guilty because of what has been done to us. This one often wants help to clean up, but we can clean it up.

How have I changed from feeling corrupt and guilty to knowing I am truly innocent and pure?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 09042013