Creating Playtime

Creating Playtime

I love to play. I love to play pretend. I love to play puzzle games. I love to make up stories, I love to play birdie with my cats and tickle toe with my snails. I love to run about, and goof around on swings and slides.

Play.

Carefree enjoyment. Lighthearted fun. Joyful activities.

My definition of play has changed a lot as I have become a grownup. Now I can find ways to play almost everywhere; from elevators to just driving my car, cleaning the house, writing to you. There is so much fun to be had, all I have to do is grab it.

My play this morning, for example, was to have easy fun at the DMV getting my license renewed, with fast service, and charming helpers. Never mind the awful picture, at least I’m smiling in it.

Then, when my car wouldn’t start in the parking lot, I thought that I could get pissed, sitting in the rain, or play. So I played. I made up stories about all the people in the parking lot, had fun with the AAA guy who had fun, too, and even said so, and shook my hand. Nice. Why do I choose to be happy?

The car had to be towed. What should show up, early, to tow me but the brightest pink tow truck you can imagine. The fellow was a little grumpy, but it fell away when I told him how much fun I was having watching him put my car on the flat bed. What makes me enjoy myself?

My day of running a few quick errands turned into walking only two, and it reminded me how much I love my neighborhood. It smells great. Wonderful autumn smells that shifted from flowery to spicy to lovely damp earth with raindrops the color of diamonds sparkling on the grass.

Life gave me the gift of slowing everything down, and because I’m paying attention these days, I got to enjoy the heck out of it.

Somehow, it seemed like everyone I encountered was cheery. Were they cheery to start with? I hope so, but it’s easy to respond with good cheer when you are greeted with good cheer.

How have I changed from being a negative pain in the patooty to enjoying whatever I can find to enjoy?

When we look at our world as a giant playground, stuff gets easier. We lighten up, get a bounce in our step, and see the good. We don’t let tension take hold of our spirits, and so we can let our spirits soar for the simplest reasons.

Sometimes we are confronted with great grief, or fearsome events, or physical traumas. These are the big lessons. If we allow our life to unfold as it unfolds, allowing our emotions to flow, and consider whether what we are feeling supports us or beats us down, we are taking responsibility for ourselves. When we choose to respond with clean emotions, free from blame or shame, free from guilt or anger, we create a space of peace. Everything moves through, until we latch on and worry it. It’s why we practice letting our thoughts flow during activities like meditation, pulling ourselves back from thinking a thought.

When our thoughts flow, we only have emotions, not the complicated mess our feelings can become. This practice helps us respond to the big stuff when it shows up.

How have I changed from resenting the events of my life to considering how I might play?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 10052013

De-Guilting the Lily

De-Guilting the Lily

One of the most destructive crimes perpetrated on the human race is the idea of existential guilt.  I know that’s a big statement. I know that it’s a fundamental belief for a lot of us. It has a veneer of nobility attached to it because of where we learn it, but it does awful things to us.

Guilt for being. That somehow my very existence is a taint, a blight, a squandering of resources. Oh, my. I believed that for so long. I believed some awful stuff; that if I had, someone else had not; that there was only so much to go around; that if I really showed up I would bring you down. I actually tried not to breathe to leave more air for you.

When I am trying to compensate for being alive, I do a lot of weirdo stuff. I may feel like I can never say “no” so I agree to do way more than I should, or even could, do. Over-volunteering, taking on extra projects at work, striving to be indispensable. All that work, all that striving, is exhausting, but if I’m trying to compensate, I don’t get to rest. I have to keep trying to prove my worth, to make up for being. I get so scared that the scales won’t balance, and they never will. That’s just more and more taxing, until I crack up. (I know, I’ve been there.)

Oh, my.

Sometimes, I may go the other way, and try to pretend that I’m not feeling guilty for being alive by becoming domineering and critical of you. I may poke at you for every fault I can find, and if I can’t find any, I may poke at you for the flaws I see in me. And by then, I’m pretty much just in the habit of poking at you all the time. Deep inside, I don’t feel good about that, so I am just adding to my feelings of guilt, and end up feeling angry most of the time.

Oh, dear.

How do I know I am truly innocent? What makes me pure?

As we grow up, and relax into our natural life, we start to recognise our innocence as fundamental. We catch glimpses of our perfect self, pure and shining. We see how we have done things, and we feel responsible, but we do not feel guilty.

We look dispassionately at the things we have done, and we decide if it would make things better if we did something to make amends, or not. If we aren’t sure, we will discuss it with a trustworthy person.

When we decide, we do something.

We make the amendment; we send the store the $100 we took in merchandise, we confess to the lie, we take ownership of the hurt we caused, we pay the tickets, and we do it in a grownup way, not as a punishment but lovingly and respectfully both to ourselves and the others involved. Sometimes it is better to make our amends anonymously.

Sometimes, we make amends by being charitable, or making other modifications in how we live. If I feel guilty about living in so much plenty, I share it, and let go the guilt. If I feel guilty about not doing something about human trafficking, or animal abuse, or clean water, I do something about it and let it go. If I can’t do anything, I let it go.

Sometimes the best, most loving thing we can to is to let it go. Sometimes telling someone what we did will only cause more harm. Then we tell a trustworthy person, and let it go, and own our perfect self.

Sometimes we feel guilty because of what has been done to us. This one often wants help to clean up, but we can clean it up.

How have I changed from feeling corrupt and guilty to knowing I am truly innocent and pure?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 09042013