De-Guilting the Lily

De-Guilting the Lily

One of the most destructive crimes perpetrated on the human race is the idea of existential guilt.  I know that’s a big statement. I know that it’s a fundamental belief for a lot of us. It has a veneer of nobility attached to it because of where we learn it, but it does awful things to us.

Guilt for being. That somehow my very existence is a taint, a blight, a squandering of resources. Oh, my. I believed that for so long. I believed some awful stuff; that if I had, someone else had not; that there was only so much to go around; that if I really showed up I would bring you down. I actually tried not to breathe to leave more air for you.

When I am trying to compensate for being alive, I do a lot of weirdo stuff. I may feel like I can never say “no” so I agree to do way more than I should, or even could, do. Over-volunteering, taking on extra projects at work, striving to be indispensable. All that work, all that striving, is exhausting, but if I’m trying to compensate, I don’t get to rest. I have to keep trying to prove my worth, to make up for being. I get so scared that the scales won’t balance, and they never will. That’s just more and more taxing, until I crack up. (I know, I’ve been there.)

Oh, my.

Sometimes, I may go the other way, and try to pretend that I’m not feeling guilty for being alive by becoming domineering and critical of you. I may poke at you for every fault I can find, and if I can’t find any, I may poke at you for the flaws I see in me. And by then, I’m pretty much just in the habit of poking at you all the time. Deep inside, I don’t feel good about that, so I am just adding to my feelings of guilt, and end up feeling angry most of the time.

Oh, dear.

How do I know I am truly innocent? What makes me pure?

As we grow up, and relax into our natural life, we start to recognise our innocence as fundamental. We catch glimpses of our perfect self, pure and shining. We see how we have done things, and we feel responsible, but we do not feel guilty.

We look dispassionately at the things we have done, and we decide if it would make things better if we did something to make amends, or not. If we aren’t sure, we will discuss it with a trustworthy person.

When we decide, we do something.

We make the amendment; we send the store the $100 we took in merchandise, we confess to the lie, we take ownership of the hurt we caused, we pay the tickets, and we do it in a grownup way, not as a punishment but lovingly and respectfully both to ourselves and the others involved. Sometimes it is better to make our amends anonymously.

Sometimes, we make amends by being charitable, or making other modifications in how we live. If I feel guilty about living in so much plenty, I share it, and let go the guilt. If I feel guilty about not doing something about human trafficking, or animal abuse, or clean water, I do something about it and let it go. If I can’t do anything, I let it go.

Sometimes the best, most loving thing we can to is to let it go. Sometimes telling someone what we did will only cause more harm. Then we tell a trustworthy person, and let it go, and own our perfect self.

Sometimes we feel guilty because of what has been done to us. This one often wants help to clean up, but we can clean it up.

How have I changed from feeling corrupt and guilty to knowing I am truly innocent and pure?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 09042013