I Got Satisfaction

I Got Satisfaction

I love to feel satisfied. Satisfied that I’ve done my best, satisfied that it’s good enough. Satisfied that I’m a good person, satisfied with my work, my play, my relationships, satisfied with my qigong practice.

I do occasionally have to remember to let myself go there, to satisfied. I know you will find this surprising, but in the olden days, I was almost never satisfied.

I liked to chalk it up to high standards, but that’s a bunch of hooey.

It had to do with how unsatisfied I was with me.

I spent some time recently going through papers, including a bunch of my old journals. Oy. That poor child was not happy with herself. And hated her job, hated her relationships, not the people, but the relationship, hated hated hated. Nothing was right, good enough, fun enough.

It is very challenging to enjoy anything when we don’t like ourselves. “Why does everything suck?” is a really bad creative question a lot of us ask a lot.

When I don’t like me, I start at a disadvantage. I start out feeling bad, so then I filter for bad, and find it, and so you suck, and my commute sucks, or the vacuum cleaner doesn’t, and I am well off to having a bad day, which I will generously share with everyone I encounter.

Now, I understand that some people enjoy this. I found a quote I think belongs to Woody Allen, “I am happiest at my most miserable.” If you enjoy being miserable, then please, have at it. I will just stand over here. Quietly ignoring your miserable joy.

On the other hand, if you do not enjoy being miserable, change it. Do what you need to do to create the shift. When you start to feel better, amazing things happen. Food is better, fresh air is glorious. Sunshine is wonderful, and shade is a treat.

How have I changed from criticizing me to seeing my value?

As I come to recognize my own value, I start seeing the value in other stuff, including you. I see your good heart, I see your inherent kindness. I see how hard you try. I see your dedication. And I recognize that I can only see the tip of the iceberg, to coin the phrase.

I start to look for more stuff to value, things that are fun or enjoyable, places where I feel good. I start to release stuff that doesn’t feel good, isn’t fun, doesn’t seem valuable to me.

Suddenly, I like weather. It doesn’t seem to matter, I can find things to like about it. Yay, it’s hot! Hooray, it’s cold! Yippee, it’s sleeting!

Suddenly, when you ask me what I want, I know. Or I know how to go inside and find out.

Suddenly, I am hot to find all the silver linings I can, merrily re-framing all my old clouds.

Suddenly, I feel eager to enjoy whatever I may be doing. This is such a strnage change for me, to have nasty tasks and, not only do I not mind doing them, but I may find things about the doing that I actually enjoy.

Growing up is weird and fun.

How have I changed from finding fault to feeling satisfied?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 09132013