The Sad Cowboy

The Sad Cowboy

Team player is a concept a lot of us have a hard time with. We have a lot of strong feelings about the phrase.

Some of us say that we aren’t team players; we are not joiners. We tend to introversion, preferring to work alone, play alone, and often live alone. How could I be a team player when I am a lone wolf?

Some of us say that we aren’t team players; we don’t support the mission or vision of the team.

Why would I be a team player? How do I play well with others? What makes me get along?

One of the features of being a person is that we live in communities. Some are sort of thrust upon us, like the city or town we live in, then the neighborhood we choose to live in, our families, our places of employment, the places where we hang out, so to speak, like church, or coffee shops, or gyms.

Now, I tend to think of myself as a bit of a non-conformist. I tend to think that I don’t much go along with the crowd. That’s true for many aspects of my life, but it does not serve me at work, for example.

I used to buck the system at my jobs. I didn’t feel any affinity for the overarching vision/mission statement we had, so I felt like an outsider. That’s kind of a crummy way to feel when you spend eight or more hours a day someplace. I tended to feel like I was better-than because I wasn’t being compliant, but I was also miserable, made trouble for myself, and had a pretty negative impact on my co-workers. I never felt supported and totally blamed them.

Why can I choose? How can I cooperate? What makes me feel like a contribution?

When I started to choose to be happy, I came up with my own mission statements, to support my co-workers, my friends, my family, and other communities. I changed my mindset to allow for them supporting me back. I made allowances for them, and began to accept the allowances they made for me.

I came to see that working with people for common goals isn’t being a sheep. Following the rules in the places I choose to be isn’t being a mindless drone.

It’s kind of like using good etiquette. We don’t chew with our mouths closed because some random authority figure told us to, we chew with our mouths closed so we aren’t blowing chunks of chewed food onto our plate, or your plate, or on you. Gross.

Etiquette, simple manners, make getting along easier. I like easy. Pretty much following the rules at work and in my other communities makes getting along easier.

When I am part of a community, and am feeling out of step, I need to take a look. Is it someplace I really want to be? If not, then I need to leave. If so, then maybe I need to look at how I am cooperating within the structures of the community. Am I bucking the system? Am I playing non-conformist cowboy? Do I need to relax out of my defiance?

How have I changed from being a sad lone wolf to enjoying cooperation?

© Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 11172014

You Are Not the Boss of Me!

You Are Not the Boss of Me!

Power is such a funny thing. We all have it, we each use it in our own way. Some of us own our power, keep ourselves separate from others’ shenanigans, and go on about our business. Some of us pretend to give our power away, and feeling like we have to do someone else’s bidding. Some of us pretend that we can take others’ power and get them to bend to our will.

Thing is, and I know this is kind of creepy, but you don’t have access to my power, only I do. I have to go through a bunch of mislearnings to learn to act as your proxy inside my head so you can seem to be the boss of me.

Sometimes I will act as your proxy to push me around from fear of you, or from fear learned a long time ago from one or more of my adults. Sometimes shame may be the impetus, or feeling like we have no resources. This feeling often comes with an icky, shrinky feeling, like we are less than.

Why am I strong? What makes me capable? How am I competent? Why do I trust?

Sometimes I will act like I have power over you. I will try to intimidate, or scare you, or manipulate you in some other way into doing what I want you to do. When you do, I may often feel better than.

Sometimes I am in a situation, like work, where someone is the boss of me, or I am the boss of someone. If I have less than or better than stuff going on, this can make for interesting dynamics we call power struggles, which tend to be high on drama and low on productive activities.

And then there is teamwork.

How am I a good team player? What makes me work toward our goals? Why do I enjoy cooperation?

When I a good team player, I know what our goals are. I know what my job is, and I know how we are working together. When we are a team, we work for our mutual support and that feels great. We get a sense of community. We get a sense of connectedness. We share a sense of purpose, and those things all contribute to a sense of personal well being.

When I am clear about my goals for us, and make sure that we understand each other, working together is much easier. When I am clear about what my expectations of your performance, and my performance are, we can take measure of where we are. Because we are communicating respectfully, we can ask for help or guidance if we need it, and can trust the answers we get.

That is the ideal. Doesn’t always work that way, but I can do my part to help bring it about. I can be clear in my communication. I can ask for help if I need it. I can be straight about my performance and accomplishment. And often, the others will follow suit. They will see that it is way easier. I like that.

How have I changed from pushing myself around to being a good team player?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 05282014

Living Ego’s Dream

Living Ego’s Dream

One of the most interesting games we play is the ol’ power struggle. I have an idea about how something should go, and so do you, but our ideas don’t match. And I decide not to give, and so do you, and now we have a power struggle that can last forever.

I hate it when I find myself acting like a three year old.

On the one hand, I can’t have a power struggle on my own, or can I?

As I start to choose to grow up, I am going to run into resistance, both from inside me and outside.

The inside me part is what we call ego, that sense of self we construct from childhood on. It’s not very mature, as a general rule. My ego is kind of spoiled and wants what it wants now. It wants instant gratification, it wants its own way, Ego tends to selfish, spoiled, temper tantrums, emotional drama.

When I start to unchoose that behavior, my ego is going to be pissed. Ego doesn’t want to grow up. Ego likes status quo, and so Ego is going to push back. It’s one of the reasons we often find ourselves having trouble with New Year resolutions. Ego says, “no new way!” and instead of acting like a benevolent, firm parent, giving Ego a positive time-out, and holding our power, we cave, because that’s what we’ve always done.

What makes me strong? Why am I competent? How am I confident?

When I decide to unchoose Ego running my life, I start to understand the idea that I am a divine and infinite being. Ego isn’t infinite, poor little thing. Ego is very small, but has a very inflated sense of self. Nothing is more important than Ego. How exhausting, and unrewarding.

On the other hand, when I unchoose Ego, and choose to move beyond, I am moving into my natural life. That’s where I find bliss and joy, peace and serenity, satisfaction abounds. Here I understand that I am naturally the center of my universe, but that I can be a benevolent creature, and put the needs of others before my own.

Why do I recognize my divinity? How do I know I am infinite? What makes me see beyond myself?

I like the saying, “choose your battles.” I remember the first time I heard it, as though someone had flipped a light switch on in my head. Until then, I had no sense of control over what I got upset about. I just went nuts. Sigh. Ego can’t choose a battle, it just goes in swinging, so power struggles are normal and frequent.

Why can I choose? What makes me decide? How do I feel when I am a grown up?

Choosing to be a grown up, choosing a path to enlightenment, choosing whatever you call your spiritual goal, is something we do everyday, Me, sometimes it’s multiple times a day. I want to live free, and that means I have to dump my old traumas and their attendant weird thinking. I have to be aware of my patterns and relinquish the ones that don’t actually support me. I have to be aware of my thoughts and notice when I am in a thought rut that brings me down, or encourages me to be disrespectful to me or to you.

How have I changed from living my Ego’s dream, to choosing to live freely?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01252014

It Takes a Hamlet

It Takes a Hamlet

I am always curious as to what card will come to me each day. I love having a little focal point in the day. Stuff comes up all the time, and I have a choice for how I’ll respond, or react, and when I have a good, solid, Creative Question floating around in my head, I often make better decisions.

I gotta say, I prefer making better decisions. In order to do that, I have to stay on top of stuff.  And by that I mean that I need to be aware of what I’m on about.

There are a few ways I’ve found to do that. One is to slow down inside, to relax. Relax. Relax.

I am, little by little, coming to recognize when I am heading to my ol’ overwhelmed feeling. I used to go there all the time. Overwhelmed would lead to headaches, and then a cold. If I played my cards right, I could end up with bronchitis or pneumonia, forcing me to back off.

I don’t know about you, but I would rather back off from the overwhelmed than have my body, uh, body-slam me into relaxing.

I have also surrounded myself with my brilliant and loving friends and family. When I have stuff come up that feels too much for just me, I go to them for comfort, and counsel, and wisdom. They helped me learn the difference between talking about what’s going on and complaining, and the difference between complaining and whining.

They taught me about how to relax and let my life flow. They stood by me as I’ve worked through my stuff, shed my tears, beaten pillows, and screamed out old traumas.

The act of evolving, becoming enlightened, or growing up, whatever you want to call it, is all about teamwork. This is a tricky one for introverts to get. It may be tricky for you extroverts, too. If it is, let me know, please.

I thought that I was supposed to do all this growing up by myself. Poor little me. I was so wrong. I need your help. I need your insights, and instruction, I need your comforting arms, and gentle hand to pet my head. I need you to remind me when I start to stray, and to give me a little shove when I get too far off the path. I need you to give me the look from time to time when I am being ridiculous, or to remind me to relax back into the flow of life.

It turns out that life is way easier when I have a great team to work with.

So now it looks like one of my tasks of growing up is to surround myself with loving, wise, supportive people.

In the dark ages, my life was full of drunks, abusers, misery buddies, and pain pals. Oy. I got a lot of support for drinking and drugging, for yelling, for acting nuts, and being dramatic. None of that really ever did much for my well being.

Choosing to step out of that into the light was the most courageous thing I ever did. All it took was a change of attitude. And creating my team.

I love having my team, and being on their teams. And, while we have to do the inside work each by our own selves, being encouraged and, best of all, loved without strings by our chosen ones is what makes the difference. I have created a lovely, loving hamlet of people who bring wonder to my life.

You can do this, too. You can start today. You can change your attitude, and set your sights to bring in true and loving friends, and to be a true and loving friend to to them.

How have I changed from struggling alone to having a life full of helpers whom I love, and who love me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11282013