Living Ego’s Dream
One of the most interesting games we play is the ol’ power struggle. I have an idea about how something should go, and so do you, but our ideas don’t match. And I decide not to give, and so do you, and now we have a power struggle that can last forever.
I hate it when I find myself acting like a three year old.
On the one hand, I can’t have a power struggle on my own, or can I?
As I start to choose to grow up, I am going to run into resistance, both from inside me and outside.
The inside me part is what we call ego, that sense of self we construct from childhood on. It’s not very mature, as a general rule. My ego is kind of spoiled and wants what it wants now. It wants instant gratification, it wants its own way, Ego tends to selfish, spoiled, temper tantrums, emotional drama.
When I start to unchoose that behavior, my ego is going to be pissed. Ego doesn’t want to grow up. Ego likes status quo, and so Ego is going to push back. It’s one of the reasons we often find ourselves having trouble with New Year resolutions. Ego says, “no new way!” and instead of acting like a benevolent, firm parent, giving Ego a positive time-out, and holding our power, we cave, because that’s what we’ve always done.
What makes me strong? Why am I competent? How am I confident?
When I decide to unchoose Ego running my life, I start to understand the idea that I am a divine and infinite being. Ego isn’t infinite, poor little thing. Ego is very small, but has a very inflated sense of self. Nothing is more important than Ego. How exhausting, and unrewarding.
On the other hand, when I unchoose Ego, and choose to move beyond, I am moving into my natural life. That’s where I find bliss and joy, peace and serenity, satisfaction abounds. Here I understand that I am naturally the center of my universe, but that I can be a benevolent creature, and put the needs of others before my own.
Why do I recognize my divinity? How do I know I am infinite? What makes me see beyond myself?
I like the saying, “choose your battles.” I remember the first time I heard it, as though someone had flipped a light switch on in my head. Until then, I had no sense of control over what I got upset about. I just went nuts. Sigh. Ego can’t choose a battle, it just goes in swinging, so power struggles are normal and frequent.
Why can I choose? What makes me decide? How do I feel when I am a grown up?
Choosing to be a grown up, choosing a path to enlightenment, choosing whatever you call your spiritual goal, is something we do everyday, Me, sometimes it’s multiple times a day. I want to live free, and that means I have to dump my old traumas and their attendant weird thinking. I have to be aware of my patterns and relinquish the ones that don’t actually support me. I have to be aware of my thoughts and notice when I am in a thought rut that brings me down, or encourages me to be disrespectful to me or to you.
How have I changed from living my Ego’s dream, to choosing to live freely?
(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01252014
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