Getting What We Ask For

Getting What We Ask For

One of those maddening things about being a person is that we get what we ask for. Our expectations are met.

I know, it kinda sucks. On the other hand, it’s mostly true. We see what we filter for. That’s how our brains work. If I’m getting the same results over and over, I need to look at what my part is, how am I supporting my status quo. If I’m in the same crummy situation over and over, especially if the people in that situation change from time to time, I need to consider what I’m doing to set it up. If I see a bad pattern in my life, the only one who can change it is me.

It’s not that we get the kind of support we deserve; we get the kind of support we expect.

If you are feeling unsupported in your work, or personal life, or spiritual life, start looking backwards to your family of origin. In most cases, we learned how to feel supported back then, sometimes by modeling our behavior on a parent, sometimes how we felt as little children.

As things play out, it could be that we are being very nicely supported, and don’t recognize it. It can also be that we have chosen to surround ourselves with people who don’t know how, or who think that being mean is funny, or who are this way to us, and that way when we aren’t around, or who make decisions that are bad for us, without including us. We each have our own ways of feeling unsupported by the people we think should have our backs.

For me, I felt like support went only one way, out from me. Can you say, “martyr?” Learning to feel supported took a lot of practice on my part. It took slowing down enough, and being thoughtful enough to notice it, and then to let myself feel it. It’s not that I wasn’t supported, mind you, it was that I didn’t experience being supported.

That’s a really big distinction. This stuff we filter out is significant stuff, and owning and changing that can make a huge difference in our experience of the quality of our lives.

How do I feel when I am supported? How do I feel when I accept assistance? What makes me allow help?

Sometimes, the kind of support we get keeps us stuck in a place that’s not very nice. This is the kind of support that families often give addicts. They help them cover up, or make excuses, or create distractions so’s folks don’t notice. Or support to stay in an abusive relationship. Or a horrible job. Each situation is unique, and deserves it’s own attention, but if you are in one of these, please consider getting help from a trustworthy outsider.

What it boils down to is this. If I’m not feeling supported, the fault, if you will, ultimately lies with me. You might be acting like a jerk to me, but I’m the one who feels it, and it’s my responsibility to decide to accept it, or change it, or leave it.

I’m not talking about resigning myself to staying in a bad situation, I’m talking about unchoosing feeling abused. This is high level stuff. If you don’t get what I mean, you need to leave your situation, and get some space, get out of danger, and get some help.

Why am I worthy of good support? What makes me accept help? How am I empowered?

How have I changed from feeling like I have to do it alone to enjoying the help?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01072014