Working That Attitude Thing

Working That Attitude Thing

Why do I try my best? What makes me give my all? How do I deliver excellence?

How do you feel when you see those questions? Happy? Excited? Anxious? Hopeless?

Feeling productive, feeling accomplished, feeling pride in what we do; these things are so important to our well being. It’s one of the reasons we ask these questions a lot.

I used to think that my productivity, my attitude, my results, were partly dependent on you. If you told me I was worthless, I didn’t work as hard, because why bother, and then I sink into the misery of low self-esteem. Or I redoubled my efforts to try to get you to change your mind. What a sad mislearning, not taking responsibility for myself.

But, here we are, again, with that attitude thing. I know, I know, what a pain in the patootie, that attitude thing. The sooner I can accept that I can change my attitude, the sooner I can start living my nice life.

If I have a job I hate, I have at minimum three choices. (This works for a lot of situations.)

I can accept it. That is not the same thing as resigning myself to it. Giving up and letting go are two different things. The first drops me into hopelessness and despair. The second is about releasing our negative judgments and finding a way to accept, maybe even love, our situation.

I can change it. Now, accepting a situation will often require us to change inside. Sometimes what we need to do is change things on the outside. Perhaps what I need to do is find an ally, or swap tasks with someone. Maybe I need to change my hours, or my work station. Sometimes this is all it takes to make things better.

I can leave it. For many of us, this seems like a great solution to a crummy situation, but here is an icky truth about leaving. If the situation is a pattern for us, we will find it wherever we go, and we will be confronted with our pattern again and again until we resolve it. There are lots of ways to resolve our patterns, but do it we must if we want to stop repeating ourselves.

And now, since I have accepted it, changed it, or cleanly left it, I am back to my natural life. I am naturally service minded. I want to contribute to my communities. I want to deliver excellence, and I will go the extra mile for the joy of it.

Why do I like what I do? Why can I choose? Why am I happy? What makes me feel efficient? How am I effective? Why am I on purpose?

So often, all I need to do is find a compelling reason to do something I don’t want to do, and I can enjoy it, or find satisfaction in the doing, or feel virtuous, or proud, or something.

Sometimes, I can turn it into play. I can see how quickly I can get something done well. I can see how many Xs I can finish in a block of time. I can pretend to be someone who enjoys the task, make up a name, a persona, and let myself become that person for a while, like I did when I was little. Sometimes, I can resort to self-bribery; I get to do X after I have done Y.

Whatever it takes to make it mine.

How have I changed from hating what I do to finding the value, finding the gift?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04072014

Did you get a little inspiration to make your tasks more fun, or interesting? Did you find an answer to something you were wondering about? If you found something to like in today's post, please + and share. How do you feel when you matter?

Getting What We Ask For

Getting What We Ask For

One of those maddening things about being a person is that we get what we ask for. Our expectations are met.

I know, it kinda sucks. On the other hand, it’s mostly true. We see what we filter for. That’s how our brains work. If I’m getting the same results over and over, I need to look at what my part is, how am I supporting my status quo. If I’m in the same crummy situation over and over, especially if the people in that situation change from time to time, I need to consider what I’m doing to set it up. If I see a bad pattern in my life, the only one who can change it is me.

It’s not that we get the kind of support we deserve; we get the kind of support we expect.

If you are feeling unsupported in your work, or personal life, or spiritual life, start looking backwards to your family of origin. In most cases, we learned how to feel supported back then, sometimes by modeling our behavior on a parent, sometimes how we felt as little children.

As things play out, it could be that we are being very nicely supported, and don’t recognize it. It can also be that we have chosen to surround ourselves with people who don’t know how, or who think that being mean is funny, or who are this way to us, and that way when we aren’t around, or who make decisions that are bad for us, without including us. We each have our own ways of feeling unsupported by the people we think should have our backs.

For me, I felt like support went only one way, out from me. Can you say, “martyr?” Learning to feel supported took a lot of practice on my part. It took slowing down enough, and being thoughtful enough to notice it, and then to let myself feel it. It’s not that I wasn’t supported, mind you, it was that I didn’t experience being supported.

That’s a really big distinction. This stuff we filter out is significant stuff, and owning and changing that can make a huge difference in our experience of the quality of our lives.

How do I feel when I am supported? How do I feel when I accept assistance? What makes me allow help?

Sometimes, the kind of support we get keeps us stuck in a place that’s not very nice. This is the kind of support that families often give addicts. They help them cover up, or make excuses, or create distractions so’s folks don’t notice. Or support to stay in an abusive relationship. Or a horrible job. Each situation is unique, and deserves it’s own attention, but if you are in one of these, please consider getting help from a trustworthy outsider.

What it boils down to is this. If I’m not feeling supported, the fault, if you will, ultimately lies with me. You might be acting like a jerk to me, but I’m the one who feels it, and it’s my responsibility to decide to accept it, or change it, or leave it.

I’m not talking about resigning myself to staying in a bad situation, I’m talking about unchoosing feeling abused. This is high level stuff. If you don’t get what I mean, you need to leave your situation, and get some space, get out of danger, and get some help.

Why am I worthy of good support? What makes me accept help? How am I empowered?

How have I changed from feeling like I have to do it alone to enjoying the help?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01072014

Doing Things With People

Doing Things With People

Today two cards hopped out from the Creative Questions deck, Teamwork and sexuality. What an interesting combo.

Teamwork and sexualty are both about connection, and both can be wonderfully satisfying, or simply awful. And, like so much else in our lives, our experience has almost everything to do with us, and our attitude.

Both work best if a common goal is held by everyone concerned.

When we get involved with people, sometimes we encounter power imbalances. We can always blame outside us for our experience and hope that “they” get it and change their behavior. We could wait forever.

When I choose to be a team player, I have in mind a goal that supports the team effort. It doesn’t have to be the same as the rest of the team, but it does need to be in keeping with the overall goal. Sometimes, this gets messed up.

When I choose to be sexual, I am choosing to experience a sacred act. Sometimes, this gets messed up.

In both cases, it’s up to me to clean up the mess. I am responsible for my own well being. I am responsible to you, but not for you. I cannot make you do stuff. Well, to a point I can, but the point is that I cannot make you feel happy, or connected, or satisfied, only you can. I can create an environment that could help those qualities grow and flourish, but I can’t make it happen.

I can make it happen for me. And when I find places in my life where stuff is messed up, I am the only one who can make it better. I can certainly get help, and often need it when the topic is an old, long-standing one.

When it comes to the junk in our lives that we feel bad about, we have several choices. We can choose to allow it, or accept it. Life is the way it is in this moment, and fighting it is simply exhausting, and accomplishes nothing. When we practice letting go on little things, it gets easier to let go on the bigger things. And as we get good at those, we can let go when the really big stuff shows up.

Why do I surrender?

We can choose to change it. I can change my attitude, which often in itself is a sufficient change. Sometimes, changing me is enough to shift the balance and the others in the situation will change to accommodate my new role. Sometimes not. By looking for things I can change to make the situation better for me, I become more flexible and can often find solutions that were hidden from me before.

Why do I find solutions?

We can choose to leave it. I can leave, even if I think I shouldn’t. If I am in a horrible situation, I can leave, unless I am locked up. I need to remember that sometimes the resolution is in the leaving, but sometimes, I may find myself in exactly the same situation with someone else. If I see that I have a pattern, then I need to go back to “Change it” and get help to integrate the experience that generated the pattern.

Interacting and intimacy are two things that are easy and satisfying in our natural lives. The more we relax into it, the more we clean up our emo junk, the easier and more fun it all is.

How have I changed from living in conflict to enjoying concord?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08192013