The Cake or the Crumbs

The Cake or the Crumbs

I had an interesting moment recently, when a friend pointed out that something I had asked for recently wasn’t very much. Throwback thought ensued.

Back when, I hoped for crumbs. I hoped people wouldn’t be mean. I hoped someone might remember my birthday. I hoped I might get a kind word, or some positive attention.

Because we are unique beings, each of us has our own mind map of how the world goes. Each of us has our own idea of what words mean, what gestures mean, what facial expressions mean. We tend to be drawn to people who interpret things more or less as we do, rather than people who look at things in a very different way. It’s one of the reasons that travel is so life-expanding; experiencing life in a very different context.

Looking at our expectations can be eye-opening.

What do I want? What do I expect? How am I satisfied? Why do I choose?

When we ask questions about things like expectations, desires, how the world goes, we are looking our beliefs straight in the eye. We get to use our powers of judgment to decide if these beliefs serve us well or poorly. We get to decide if they support us and our loved ones, or rip us off. Do they set us up for success or not?

When I couple crappy expectations with a bad attitude, my day is going to suck. So often we have a thing to do, and rehearse all the ways it can go wrong. We build up our expectations for things not to work out, so even if they do, we feel disappointed. We are so cute!

By rehearsing all the ways stuff can blow, we are setting ourselves up in a bunch of ways. We start to expect things to happen as they do in our ugly fantasies. Coping with negative stuff takes a lot more energy, so we feel wiped out physically and emotionally, we feeling like we deserve to indulge in our favorite soft addictions, and deserve to be in a bad mood, and inflict it on everyone.

Yikes.

Why could things work out? How would things go my way? Why would I choose to be happy?

If I am feeling really clear about what I want and I’m not getting it, chances are good that I have a bad belief in the way.

Okay, that’s the next piece of this little equation. Sometimes we get a limiting idea about ourselves, and identify with it, and color ourselves with that brush. We can find these by noticing when we say or think stuff like “I always, I never, I can’t, I don’t.” Notice variations on that. “People always treat me, nobody ever comes through for me.”

Sometimes, when we start noticing these beliefs, apply our good Creative Questions, we can change them in an instant. Sometimes, we will need to practice for a while, but it’s another way we will improve the quality of our life.

It takes a lot more energy to filter for crap than it does to filter for good.

How have I changed from expecting the worst to enjoying to best life offers?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 05032014

Do you have a conflict between a want and a belief? What would be a good Creative Question to resolve that conflict?

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Doing Things With People

Doing Things With People

Today two cards hopped out from the Creative Questions deck, Teamwork and sexuality. What an interesting combo.

Teamwork and sexualty are both about connection, and both can be wonderfully satisfying, or simply awful. And, like so much else in our lives, our experience has almost everything to do with us, and our attitude.

Both work best if a common goal is held by everyone concerned.

When we get involved with people, sometimes we encounter power imbalances. We can always blame outside us for our experience and hope that “they” get it and change their behavior. We could wait forever.

When I choose to be a team player, I have in mind a goal that supports the team effort. It doesn’t have to be the same as the rest of the team, but it does need to be in keeping with the overall goal. Sometimes, this gets messed up.

When I choose to be sexual, I am choosing to experience a sacred act. Sometimes, this gets messed up.

In both cases, it’s up to me to clean up the mess. I am responsible for my own well being. I am responsible to you, but not for you. I cannot make you do stuff. Well, to a point I can, but the point is that I cannot make you feel happy, or connected, or satisfied, only you can. I can create an environment that could help those qualities grow and flourish, but I can’t make it happen.

I can make it happen for me. And when I find places in my life where stuff is messed up, I am the only one who can make it better. I can certainly get help, and often need it when the topic is an old, long-standing one.

When it comes to the junk in our lives that we feel bad about, we have several choices. We can choose to allow it, or accept it. Life is the way it is in this moment, and fighting it is simply exhausting, and accomplishes nothing. When we practice letting go on little things, it gets easier to let go on the bigger things. And as we get good at those, we can let go when the really big stuff shows up.

Why do I surrender?

We can choose to change it. I can change my attitude, which often in itself is a sufficient change. Sometimes, changing me is enough to shift the balance and the others in the situation will change to accommodate my new role. Sometimes not. By looking for things I can change to make the situation better for me, I become more flexible and can often find solutions that were hidden from me before.

Why do I find solutions?

We can choose to leave it. I can leave, even if I think I shouldn’t. If I am in a horrible situation, I can leave, unless I am locked up. I need to remember that sometimes the resolution is in the leaving, but sometimes, I may find myself in exactly the same situation with someone else. If I see that I have a pattern, then I need to go back to “Change it” and get help to integrate the experience that generated the pattern.

Interacting and intimacy are two things that are easy and satisfying in our natural lives. The more we relax into it, the more we clean up our emo junk, the easier and more fun it all is.

How have I changed from living in conflict to enjoying concord?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08192013