How You Matter

How You Matter

Isn’t it amazing how complicated and weird we make stuff? I drew the “why am I important?” card this morning. Each of us is. We can tell that simply because we are here. But we get some people telling us from the time we are tiny that we suck, in all sorts of different ways,

We start to believe that we aren’t important, that we don’t matter.

Some of us buy into that idea. We decide to prove that we don’t matter. We give up trying. We decide we are useless, just like they said. We feel like we can’t handle the responsibilities of being a grownup, and we revert to childish behaviors, things that often are damaging to us and our loved ones. And we feel worse and worse about ourselves. We excel at underachieving. Our true potential seems like a horrible lie.

Some of us choose to prove that we are important. We seek approval everywhere, we seek prestige roles, we seek awards. We insist that others treat us differently. We often treat others as though they are less than us. And we often feel hollow inside, all the honors, all the prestige do nothing to make us feel the feelings of being important that we crave.

Both paths are lies, based on mislearning.

The truth is that we are important. Not because we’ve done anything, just because we are. The more we relax, the more we drop our mislearnings, the more we choose our natural, easy, flowing life, the more we come to accept our natural importance.

Accepting our natural importance does cool things. We recognize our importance at our core self. When we know, softly and truly, that we are important, we find that we even carry ourselves differently. We find more opportunities to share our gifts. We easily recognize each other’s importance, and treat each other  with parity and respect.

The next thing you know, we are feeling more connection. We find ourselves enjoying working together, finding common goals, enjoying team efforts, and team rewards. We feel less need to be singled out with accolades because we value and appreciate ourselves.

We enjoy more celebrations, because they mark our successes, and complete them, and just because they are fun.

We find ourselves setting bigger goals for ourselves, and our communities, because we know we can accomplish so much together..

We find ourselves feeling more compassion for others because we see their challenges, we see their importance. We remember how that pain felt.

We find ourselves feeling more gratitude for the many blessings that come to us from so many sources.

We find ourselves feeling more appreciation for the wonders and luxuries that surround us, for the kind and brilliant and loving people who surround us, for the enjoyable activities we get to do, for bodies to live in.

By owning our natural importance, we own our own special place in the world, and our own special gifts to bring to it.  We see that we make a difference, just by being our own natural selves.

How have I changed from believing old lies to owning my own natural importance?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 09152013

Doing Things With People

Doing Things With People

Today two cards hopped out from the Creative Questions deck, Teamwork and sexuality. What an interesting combo.

Teamwork and sexualty are both about connection, and both can be wonderfully satisfying, or simply awful. And, like so much else in our lives, our experience has almost everything to do with us, and our attitude.

Both work best if a common goal is held by everyone concerned.

When we get involved with people, sometimes we encounter power imbalances. We can always blame outside us for our experience and hope that “they” get it and change their behavior. We could wait forever.

When I choose to be a team player, I have in mind a goal that supports the team effort. It doesn’t have to be the same as the rest of the team, but it does need to be in keeping with the overall goal. Sometimes, this gets messed up.

When I choose to be sexual, I am choosing to experience a sacred act. Sometimes, this gets messed up.

In both cases, it’s up to me to clean up the mess. I am responsible for my own well being. I am responsible to you, but not for you. I cannot make you do stuff. Well, to a point I can, but the point is that I cannot make you feel happy, or connected, or satisfied, only you can. I can create an environment that could help those qualities grow and flourish, but I can’t make it happen.

I can make it happen for me. And when I find places in my life where stuff is messed up, I am the only one who can make it better. I can certainly get help, and often need it when the topic is an old, long-standing one.

When it comes to the junk in our lives that we feel bad about, we have several choices. We can choose to allow it, or accept it. Life is the way it is in this moment, and fighting it is simply exhausting, and accomplishes nothing. When we practice letting go on little things, it gets easier to let go on the bigger things. And as we get good at those, we can let go when the really big stuff shows up.

Why do I surrender?

We can choose to change it. I can change my attitude, which often in itself is a sufficient change. Sometimes, changing me is enough to shift the balance and the others in the situation will change to accommodate my new role. Sometimes not. By looking for things I can change to make the situation better for me, I become more flexible and can often find solutions that were hidden from me before.

Why do I find solutions?

We can choose to leave it. I can leave, even if I think I shouldn’t. If I am in a horrible situation, I can leave, unless I am locked up. I need to remember that sometimes the resolution is in the leaving, but sometimes, I may find myself in exactly the same situation with someone else. If I see that I have a pattern, then I need to go back to “Change it” and get help to integrate the experience that generated the pattern.

Interacting and intimacy are two things that are easy and satisfying in our natural lives. The more we relax into it, the more we clean up our emo junk, the easier and more fun it all is.

How have I changed from living in conflict to enjoying concord?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08192013