Living Ego’s Dream

Living Ego’s Dream

One of the most interesting games we play is the ol’ power struggle. I have an idea about how something should go, and so do you, but our ideas don’t match. And I decide not to give, and so do you, and now we have a power struggle that can last forever.

I hate it when I find myself acting like a three year old.

On the one hand, I can’t have a power struggle on my own, or can I?

As I start to choose to grow up, I am going to run into resistance, both from inside me and outside.

The inside me part is what we call ego, that sense of self we construct from childhood on. It’s not very mature, as a general rule. My ego is kind of spoiled and wants what it wants now. It wants instant gratification, it wants its own way, Ego tends to selfish, spoiled, temper tantrums, emotional drama.

When I start to unchoose that behavior, my ego is going to be pissed. Ego doesn’t want to grow up. Ego likes status quo, and so Ego is going to push back. It’s one of the reasons we often find ourselves having trouble with New Year resolutions. Ego says, “no new way!” and instead of acting like a benevolent, firm parent, giving Ego a positive time-out, and holding our power, we cave, because that’s what we’ve always done.

What makes me strong? Why am I competent? How am I confident?

When I decide to unchoose Ego running my life, I start to understand the idea that I am a divine and infinite being. Ego isn’t infinite, poor little thing. Ego is very small, but has a very inflated sense of self. Nothing is more important than Ego. How exhausting, and unrewarding.

On the other hand, when I unchoose Ego, and choose to move beyond, I am moving into my natural life. That’s where I find bliss and joy, peace and serenity, satisfaction abounds. Here I understand that I am naturally the center of my universe, but that I can be a benevolent creature, and put the needs of others before my own.

Why do I recognize my divinity? How do I know I am infinite? What makes me see beyond myself?

I like the saying, “choose your battles.” I remember the first time I heard it, as though someone had flipped a light switch on in my head. Until then, I had no sense of control over what I got upset about. I just went nuts. Sigh. Ego can’t choose a battle, it just goes in swinging, so power struggles are normal and frequent.

Why can I choose? What makes me decide? How do I feel when I am a grown up?

Choosing to be a grown up, choosing a path to enlightenment, choosing whatever you call your spiritual goal, is something we do everyday, Me, sometimes it’s multiple times a day. I want to live free, and that means I have to dump my old traumas and their attendant weird thinking. I have to be aware of my patterns and relinquish the ones that don’t actually support me. I have to be aware of my thoughts and notice when I am in a thought rut that brings me down, or encourages me to be disrespectful to me or to you.

How have I changed from living my Ego’s dream, to choosing to live freely?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01252014

Banishing Dark Sufferance

Banishing Dark Sufferance

My absolutely favorite card of all, my absolutely favorite Creative Question of all came up today, Why is it so easy?

We like to imagine that it’s hard. They say that suffering is a matter of course. That human nature is inherently bad. We also like to imagine that fortune and justice are blind, that Santa Claus is a myth, and they say that we can’t change our spots.

They lie like paint on sand, like a dog on a rug, like a bad toupee.

I see people changing all the time. Sometimes, we see that rapid change when someone discovers a recreational drug.

I saw that change in me, when I did my time on speed and cocaine. The beginning of the end of the dark ages  was seeing a photo of me taken when I thought I was all that, lived on 6 soda crackers a day, with caffeine and drugs, for several months, and oh, dear, the look of my face was terrifying to me. One more piece in my choosing happiness.

As we choose over and over to grow up, to evolve, to touch the center of our perfect selves, to flash into enlightenment awareness, easy comes along as a matter of course.

Why would I choose to grow up? What makes being a grownup fun?

I often know that I’ve taken a detour because it feels hard. When I notice that feeling, of struggle, of dark effort, I take it as a cue to pause, to go inside, to slow down, to find my peace.

The weird thing is that, even though nothing on the outside has changed, getting to that place inside changes everything, and everything feels easier. It can happen in an instant. Really.

Why do I stop worry in its tracks? Why would I choose to feel peaceful? What makes me relax all the way through?

There is nothing that being worried, stressed, angst-y, and clenched can’t make worse.

Why would I choose easy?

When I recenter myself, all that crapola falls off. When I recenter, and restart my Creative Questions, my unconscious mind begins to cook on my well being, and the under current moving me forward gets strong again. When I recenter, I remember that my attitude and POV create my reality, and if there is stuff I don’t like, I can shift my insides to, at the very least, allow it to be.

(I really do this. I don’t just blather on about it. I had a very weird day yesterday, and am using my tools as we speak to bring me back to easy, joyful, satisfying, and so on. Why do I like easy?)

Easy is something I like to practice on every day, especially on the little stuff. The little stuff is easy, and the medium stuff, then, gets easier. Then, when the big hard horrible stuff comes up, I can cope. I can cope in ease, I can cope with peace. Or I can get their pretty fast because I’ve spent all that time carving the pathways in my brain.

How have I changed from buying the idea of hard to seeing that I can make it easy?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12272013

Lightening the Load

Lightening the Load

As a philosopher, I think about stuff. I thought about stuff before that, too, but I think I enjoy it more, now.

One of the topics I was thinking about recently is the difference between truth and Truth, being right and Right, and enlightenment. I have some notions to share with you.

Having been blessed with a number of mystical experiences throughout my life, it has been my experience that Truth with a capital T is really interesting, but not particularly useful.

Experiencing the oneness of existence doesn’t help when the washer is flooding the laundry room.

Becoming aware of my infinite divinity doesn’t help me decide what to wear to work tomorrow.

Flowing through the vastness of time and space is somewhat useless when I am trying to reconcile a financial document.

I am right when I know what I believe, and those beliefs support me and help me support you. I am Right when I hold an opinion with an iron fist regardless of the damage it might do. Hating stuff, or groups, is an example of this.

Feeling Right, does nothing for my spiritual development, especially if I make that little slip from right to righteous, in the sense of inflicting my sense of right onto you. I am of the opinion that if my sense of right hurts or harms you, I might wanna rethink it.

Feeling right, however, is really nice for my sense of confidence, sense of purpose, and sense of direction.

Feeling Right, is something I need to be aware of if it is causing me to steep in resentment, something I consider a gross waste of personal resources.

What I do find useful is enlightenment. Now, I will tell you that I used to think that enlightenment was something akin to flipping a switch and *bam* on came a light bulb that stayed on for ever and ever. Then, I thought that it was more like a flashlight that I could shine into the dark corners of my mind and ego, to deal with my emo junk.

When I stop worrying, when I don’t intellectualize, when I enjoy what I’m doing, and relax all the way through I feel light.

When I let go of my resentments, of wanting you, and me, to be different, and love and accept both you and me as we are, I feel light.

When I step out of my insulated cocoon of daily life, and see the world seething in all it’s weird gloriousness, I feel light.

When I release back into the stream all the stuff, of whatever kind, that leaves me feeling heavy, sad, afraid, or angry, I feel light.

Feeling light lets all sorts of lovely things happen. When I feel light, it is easy to be happy, to find bliss all around me, to have satisfaction in what I do, to love lightly, and deeply, and without judgment.

How have I changed from living a life of heavy darkness to laughing my head off in the light?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11072013