Secondary Gains

Secondary Gains

We are so interesting, us people. Because each of us is unique, we have endless differences and similarities to explore. Some of those are wonderful, some are tragic, or scary, or fill us with love and comfort.

We are all human. That’s the bottom line.

I recently learned that one of my communities is behaving poorly, and others are noticing. Got me thinking, like stuff does.

Not Creative Questions, but good questions, nonetheless: What kind of example am I setting? What roles am I modeling? When I am behaving badly, what do I get out of it?

Yeah, I don’t much like that last one, either, but since I am committed to knowing myself, I have to look at that stuff.

Secondary gains. That’s what we get when we are misbehaving and know we shouldn’t. It can be challenging and embarrassing to look that clearly at ourselves, but it is also the only way I know of to shed those behaviors.

Most of us like to feel celebrated, like to feel honored. We like to feel proud of ourselves, and that we are a contribution to our communities, from our families to our countries and world. Sometimes, we feel arrogant; better, smarter, more worthy, or deserving. Sometimes we feel the opposite; worse, dumber, less worthy in a weird and punishing way. Neither one feels good.

How do I know I am good enough? What makes me respect myself? Why do I choose to know me? How do I know I am safe to know me?

When I encounter one of those times, being better or less than you, I need to stop. I need to regroup. I usually need to relax something, my body, my feelings, or a notion I have.

When I find myself indulging in one of those behaviors that feel shamefully fun, I try to take a step back, and at the very least, stop. It can often feel really fun at the time, but then I feel bad after. It’s often not worth it to me in the long run.

Secondary gains are interesting. It may be the case that we feel relief from built up, inside psychic or emotional pressure. It may be the case that we feel connected by doing the same things as our friends. It may be the case that we feel elevated, or better than. It may be the case that we feel included, or noble, or self-sacrificing. We each have our own, special list.

Since I want to grow up, I have these topics to address. I will notice when I feel guilty. Is there something I need to do, or do I simply need to let it go? I will notice when I am worrying. Is there something I need to do, or do I just let it go? I will notice when I am doing something that brings secondary gains, and I will stop, and shift my behavior.

I believe that when I learn the lesson, the situation will change automatically. It’s all for me. From your POV, it’s all for you, the Universe providing us with what we need to become our very best selves.

How have I changed from indulging in childish behaviors to choosing to enjoy being a grownup?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12292013