Trashing the Zingers

Trashing the Zingers

A talent I have developed over the years that has made my life a lot nicer is the ability to keep my mouth shut.

That may sound weird coming from someone who loves to talk, but I used to say a lot of stuff I regretted. I learned as a young one to use sarcasm as a weapon and could flay meat with my words. If I could come up with something nasty and clever, out the words came, outcome be damned.

Teaching me to hold my tongue took a long time, but I really wanted it. My overarching goal was to be happy, and that meant that I had to stop seeking out your weaknesses and soft spots and going for them.

Why am I positive? What makes me choose? Why am I kind?

In the olden days I spent a lot of time with people who valued my nasty humor, and praised me for it, at least when I used it on other people. I was so used to the spew that I often wasn’t even aware that I did it. So I had to learn to hear what I said, and then I had to learn to hear what I was gonna say. And then I had to learn to shut it.

Why am I aware? How do I know I matter? What makes me decide?

One of the reasons it was so easy for me to just say rotten stuff was that I didn’t think it counted for anything. I didn’t have any sense of having an impact on you. I apologize for that.

As I came to see that I did have an impact, not just on the people I spent a lot of time with, but also on the people I might have one moment of contact with, and was able to remember fast enough that I wanted to feel good about me at the end of the day, I began to practice being quiet instead of sniping. I would spend a moment thinking about the customer service person being on my side instead of being the representative of Evil Incarnate when I had a problem that required their help. I started thinking about how you might be acting out a bit because you had something challenging going on that I knew nothing about, and would hold back my mean cracks.

How am I compassionate? Why do I care? Why do I like people?

As I gave up that habit, and replaced it with nice stuff, something wonderful started to happen. I began to receive nice surprises. Things would go my way. The customer service person would go out of her way to help me, sometimes even giving me a special treat, “I don’t usually do this for people, but...” Strangers would smile at me. Not creepy strangers, nice strangers. I found myself blurting out compliments to random people, and getting smiles back. I found myself asking how you were and wanting to hear the real answer. And you would often do the same for me.

Choosing to be positive meant that I had to give up some stuff. I don’t tend to make sacrifices, rather I weigh my options, remember what I want, and choose what seems like it will take me in that direction. Giving up my rapier wit was a process, and I still have to confront it from time to time, but, like so much of what I talk about here, it was worth it.

How have I changed from pride in my snide to choosing to be kind?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 08072014