The Bad Day

The Bad Day

Here is something you may find surprising about me. I have the occasional bad day. Even with all my useful tools, even with my Creative Questions, somedays I just sink. They are very rare, rather than my status quo, and I enjoy them enormously in retrospect, but when I am feeling crabby and pissed off, and my usual stuff isn’t effective, I just go with it. Kickin’ and cussin’, but allowing it to be.

That’s part of having a positive outlook.

They mostly seem to come up when I am in the beginning of something new. The sparkle has become normal, and the acceptance hasn’t quite arrived. Transition points.

Why am I positive? What makes me seek the good? How do I know this, too, shall pass?

Because I pay attention, I know that my feelings will slide around. In the olden days they slid from meh to terrible and back again. My worst day these days doesn’t even show up on that scale, but I still feel icky. Sometimes it’s all about how much I suck, sometimes it’s all about how stuff sucks, and sometimes I think you suck. Sometimes it’s a nasty blend of all three.

I am way more relaxed about them because I know they are few and far between. I know they will end. Not like when I was depressed, and felt like I had always been that way. Because I am relaxed about them, I ease up on me a bit. I may cuss like a sailor, but I avoid making any important decisions, I often withdraw a bit, and I try to lay low. They are good days for reading trashy novels, or watching stupid movies I can judge the heck out of. They are bad for haircuts.

How is this part of having a positive outlook, you might ask.

I rarely get one that lasts more than 30 hours. So I am very appreciative of my normal cheeriness when it finally passes. The stuff that isn’t working out is usually something I can resolve pretty easily when my mood improves, and you don’t really suck, so I enjoy enjoying you again.

Allowing a crappy day from time to time reminds me that I get to choose how I am most of the time. I get to choose my outlook, my feelings, my thoughts. Most of the time. And the more I practice being the way I like to be, the easier it is for me to get back to it. Even professional musicians have days when they can’t even manage scales well. The artist has days when she can’t paint for nuthin’, and the competent adult takes a hike.

Since we can’t get our oil changed, or reboot our systems, or bag up our insides and put ‘em in a dumpster, what we get is a bad day. When we let it flow, we release a lot of old stuff, we notice old patterns and habits, we get an idea about a new goal or a new motivation.

Why am I aware? What makes me choose? Why do I respect my process?

The occasional bad day helps us stay on track. Living there doesn’t. If I feel stuck in something like that, respecting myself means that I find a way to change it. I may shake up my routine, or establish a new one, find someone to talk to whom I trust and respect, and follow their advice, find a workshop to try a new technique of meditation, or thinking, or even a class in something I’ve wanted to try for a while. There are tons of options if I am willing to stop feeling bad.

How have I changed from living with a negative outlook to allowing my life to unfold in interesting ways?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 08272014

Trashing the Zingers

Trashing the Zingers

A talent I have developed over the years that has made my life a lot nicer is the ability to keep my mouth shut.

That may sound weird coming from someone who loves to talk, but I used to say a lot of stuff I regretted. I learned as a young one to use sarcasm as a weapon and could flay meat with my words. If I could come up with something nasty and clever, out the words came, outcome be damned.

Teaching me to hold my tongue took a long time, but I really wanted it. My overarching goal was to be happy, and that meant that I had to stop seeking out your weaknesses and soft spots and going for them.

Why am I positive? What makes me choose? Why am I kind?

In the olden days I spent a lot of time with people who valued my nasty humor, and praised me for it, at least when I used it on other people. I was so used to the spew that I often wasn’t even aware that I did it. So I had to learn to hear what I said, and then I had to learn to hear what I was gonna say. And then I had to learn to shut it.

Why am I aware? How do I know I matter? What makes me decide?

One of the reasons it was so easy for me to just say rotten stuff was that I didn’t think it counted for anything. I didn’t have any sense of having an impact on you. I apologize for that.

As I came to see that I did have an impact, not just on the people I spent a lot of time with, but also on the people I might have one moment of contact with, and was able to remember fast enough that I wanted to feel good about me at the end of the day, I began to practice being quiet instead of sniping. I would spend a moment thinking about the customer service person being on my side instead of being the representative of Evil Incarnate when I had a problem that required their help. I started thinking about how you might be acting out a bit because you had something challenging going on that I knew nothing about, and would hold back my mean cracks.

How am I compassionate? Why do I care? Why do I like people?

As I gave up that habit, and replaced it with nice stuff, something wonderful started to happen. I began to receive nice surprises. Things would go my way. The customer service person would go out of her way to help me, sometimes even giving me a special treat, “I don’t usually do this for people, but...” Strangers would smile at me. Not creepy strangers, nice strangers. I found myself blurting out compliments to random people, and getting smiles back. I found myself asking how you were and wanting to hear the real answer. And you would often do the same for me.

Choosing to be positive meant that I had to give up some stuff. I don’t tend to make sacrifices, rather I weigh my options, remember what I want, and choose what seems like it will take me in that direction. Giving up my rapier wit was a process, and I still have to confront it from time to time, but, like so much of what I talk about here, it was worth it.

How have I changed from pride in my snide to choosing to be kind?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 08072014

Accentuate the Positive

Accentuate the Positive

I think there is a lot of confusion about positivism. I see so many articles that poo-poo it or even suggest that it is a bad thing. They suggest that being positive isn’t being realistic. I’m serious.

I have worked with people who say, “I’m just naturally pessimistic. I can’t be happy.” And after a while they see the light. Or they leave. They get to choose.

Why am I positive? What makes me choose? How do I know I can decide?

Here’s what I think. I used to be wonderful at finding the dark side. I lived at Bleak House. If there was a flaw, I spotted it, and then worried it, often into something awful.

Nothing was ever just nice. I always had to find the ick in it. At the very least if I couldn’t find anything to complain about, I would decide that “it” just wasn’t good enough. There wasn’t ever something so nice I couldn’t find the flaw. I was always disappointed. Can you imagine? Well, don’t, really, it wasn’t very fun.

The articles suggest that being positive avoids looking at the way things are. There isn’t a “way things are.” There is only the way things seem to be, and that is all based on how we look at it.

This is a very simple concept. I filter my world in order to chunk it down to something manageable. Without this ability to filter, I would be completely overwhelmed with sensory data, and not able to discern anything. By filtering, I am making maps of the world in my mind, but they are not the world any more than a photograph of a puppy is a puppy. “The map is not the territory,” said Alfred Korzybski.

I can use sunny filters or poopy filters, and they are both just filters. It is just a choice, and it’s not about denying “the reality.” I have to choose a filter, so why not pick one that makes me feel strong?

What makes me choose? How do I know I am competent? What makes me strong?

Depression, struggle, suffering, misery, hopelessness are not places of strength. It takes strength to choose to see the good, for most of us it isn’t automatic. We mislearn to look for stuff to complain about. And we can learn to look for stuff to take joy in.

I know there is war, and poverty, and sickness, and torture, slavery and so on. I know that. I do what I can to make a difference in the things that matter to me, pray about them, let it go, and get back to living. Dwelling on those things that trouble me is borrowing trouble. They are not the only “reality.”

I have stuff in my life, too, that isn’t always great. I do what I can, and let that go, too. My challenges are not the only “reality.” I accept and move on. And look for beauty, and find joy, and appreciate the good, and have fun. I value enjoyment. If I can find a way to enjoy, I can do almost anything.

Choosing to look for the good changes our moods. Finding the positive releases lovely neurochemicals and hormones into our bodies that help us feel good. They give us energy. They help us feel light. Doing the doom and gloom trip drops stress hormones and neurochems, and they make us feel dark and tired.

How have I changed from living in the dark to stepping into the sunshine?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07252014

Watch the Doughnut, Not the Hole

Watch the Doughnut, Not the Hole

When I was a little kid, there was a song that I played a lot. The chorus went: Watch the doughnut, not the hole. I found it a little confusing because we bought doughnut holes more often than doughnuts, but eventually I understood that it meant to look for the good.

There were lots of songs that offered the same message; The Sunny Side of the Street, Let a Smile be Your Umbrella, Stay on the Sunny Side, and on and on. I liked the songs, learned all the words, but somehow missed the message.

For most of us, feeling crappy is easy as falling off a log. We have a thousand thousand ways to get there, a thousand thousand excuses. One of my faves is, “That’s just the way I am.” The person I knew who would say that had a whole slew of those lines. She would talk about grim being her nature, unchangeable, immutable. She would pronounce that some people just weren’t meant to be happy. She looked for, and found, the worst in everyone, in every situation, and was so sad that she had so few friends.

My “nature” is what I believe my nature to be.

I used to believe that my nature was depressed and afraid. I wanted a nicer life, but I was so unhappy that I couldn’t imagine my life ever changing.

We are meant to be happy, and one of our tasks as a human is to find out how to do that.

Why would I choose positive? How do I look up? What makes me choose?

I have come to think of my nice life as my responsibility. I am the only one who can make my life nice, but I have also acquired habits that can make that challenging.

Sometimes I get stuck in yessing. You know what I mean, saying yes to everyone who asks me to do something so I end up feeling way over-extended with no end of commitments in sight.

Sometimes I get stuck in inertia, where I just can’t seem to do anything. I may find at the end of the day that I haven’t done anything that I feel good about. I feel like I fritter my time away.

Sometimes, I get stuck in a poor me place, or an angry place, like my poor friend. I face the world with a scowl or grimace, and wonder why no one ever smiles.

Sometimes, I get stuck in achieving, striving all the time, working to “get ahead” by putting in a lot of extra time, and losing touch with my friends, and even my family, until work is all I have.

There are lots of other places I can find myself stuck in. And, as we’ve discussed over and over, the only one who can unstick me is me.

Maybe I need to learn to say no. Just because I am able to doesn’t mean I am willing to. Maybe I am feeling depressed, and a chat with a counselor or doc might help me get free of it if my own efforts aren’t working. Maybe I need to dump the anger or self-pity, and again, if I can’t help myself, I need some help. Maybe I need to check my priorities, my deep-inside priorities, and decide to choose my loved ones over my accomplishments.

How have I changed from living a life of suck to feeling good?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07022014

Changing the Past

Changing the Past

A two-card draw today, on the same theme, curiously. Why am I positive? and Why am I a winner? What a nice set of questions.

How are you doing with changing the way you talk to yourself? Are you still yammering at you about being a loser, listing all your faults, criticizing your own efforts and results, acting like the way things are is somehow not the way they should be?

What would it mean to you to understand that the present moment is perfect? That you, in this present moment, are perfect? Would that help inspire you to speak to yourself with more kindness, more respect?

I would love to do that for you, show you so you really get it, your good qualities, your skills and talents, the wonderful things that make you, you, and take out all that negative self talk, but I can’t. No one else can, only you.

What do you need to start noticing how you speak to yourself? Why would you treat you with kindness and respect? What would make you own your power, feel competent and capable? We can do this anytime. We don’t need to be old, we can change to this way of thinking no matter how old we are. And as we feel more empowered, we find compassion for our former self, and for our loved ones who may have helped us learn to be so cruel to ourselves.

Have you ever paid attention to what you find most comforting? Me, I have two particular gestures that really help me when I need comfort. But I will also tell you a secret I use to help me change stuff.

We all have particular times in our lives that we remember as hard, painful, and scary, like maybe we weren’t somehow going to make it through. I have resources and wisdom and skills now I didn’t have then.

When those times pop into my head, I have started “going back in time,” and I sit with that savaged former self, and I comfort her in the best ways I know we like, and I let her know it will be okay, and then it will be good, and then it will be great. Poor little thing often can barely take in what I’m saying, but she gets the comfort, and the soothing words, and something deep inside both of us changes; my current self for treating me with deep compassion, and my former self for getting exactly what I needed at the time. It may not change the past out there, but it does seem to change my internal experience.

Feeling compassion for our former selves is powerful. Forgiving our former selves is powerful. Comforting our former selves is powerful. It helps us release shame, and fear, and all sorts of icky stuff.

And, then, practicing our positive Creative Questions, changing how we talk to ourselves, appreciating our value, will do a lot to cleaning out our emotional basements.

I find it gets way easier when I remember that I am, we all are, perfect divine and infinite beings at our core. Speaking to our own selves with compassion, gentleness, and loving kindness will go a long way to helping us live our natural lives.

How have I changed from dissing myself to death to treating me with love and respect?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 05102014

Becoming a Thought-Master

Becoming a Thought-Master

The being positive card came up again today. Fell out of the deck as I was shuffling. It’s a wonderful reminder for me, as positive as I am, cuz I go to funk, too. I had a couple hours of “I suck” yesterday.

I will say that I enjoy the occasional crabbi-ass from time to time. Usually for about twenty minutes, and then I get bored.

“I suck” or “life sucks” is different. I don’t enjoy that, but they are old habits from the dark ages, and I don’t know if I will ever be cut of them. Meanwhile, I get to practice changing my feelings as easily as changing my mind.

Here’s how I do it. You may find all of this works for you, or some of it, or none. But I give it to you with all my love.

Why am I okay?

For me, “I suck” is a feeling I notice most in my lower belly and solar plexus. It’s often an amalgam of shame about something, sometimes guilt, often a feeling of not measuring up to an unknown standard, and also often simply feeling not good enough.

What makes me good enough?

So a quick way to shift things for me is to get that physical space moving, so to speak. I will take a few minutes to do standing forward bends, some crunches or sit-ups, and imagine the feeling getting squished out.

How do I feel when I feel fine?

If the guilt component is present, I take a look at the situation without all the feelings on it, as best I can, and then I assess. Was the thing actually less terrible than my feelings make it? Mostly, that is true. Am I doing something to change the situation? Mostly, I am. Can I forgive myself for this behavior? I am usually willing to do that.

What makes me innocent?

The shame piece is different, since that’s about who I am, rather than what I’ve done, or not done. Shame is sticky and smells bad. It’s like soul-grime. My two best shaming questions are: What’s wrong with you? and What’s the matter with you?

Those are, in case you missed it, excellent examples of horrible creative questions. Let your subconscious mind start working on those and I guarantee you will feel like crap in almost no time at all. You can try it, if you want. Like going to a scary movie.

How do I know I am pure? What makes me feel clear? How do I know I am lovable?

Taking responsibility for how I feel, knowing that the outsides are something I myself choose to riff on, makes me free. I am in charge of how I feel, and I am in charge of changing it. It’s not a fluke, it’s not contingent on you doing something different. My feelings and thoughts are the place in my life where I really do have control.

How have I changed from being a victim to my thoughts and feelings to owning that I am the boss of me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11302013