From Shame to Freedom

From Shame to Freedom

Feeling like we are wrong is a rough place to be in. It eats up our confidence, it makes us second guess ourselves. I, for one, end up feeling kind of powerless when I feel wrong.

Why am I right? How am I powerful? What makes me confident?

There is a huge difference between feeling wrong and owning our mistakes.

When I own my mistakes, I am being responsible for my decisions, and I can make corrections as I need to. I know I am not my behavior, and taking responsibility for it lets me feel competent and grown up. I feel resilient because I can take a step away from what I did to see what I can do. Perhaps I can make amends, but sometimes it’s better not to. And I can do something helpful for others to help me balance my feelings. I can forgive the mistake, let it go, and move on. How liberating!

On the other hand, when I feel wrong, I often feel shame, and that is one nasty emo-toxin. We get the idea that we are bad. That we are worthless, not deserving of good things or people in our lives. We feel humiliated, and that leaves us feeling disconnected. When we feel disconnected from our own selves we feel lonely, that awful black hole in the middle of the chest feeling. And we hate ourselves for doing whatever it was.

As if that weren’t bad enough, shame is very sticky. We can feel shame for things we did as tiny children for decades after we have forgotten the perceived transgression. All that poison in our thoughts just for mistakes. We often have unconscious resentments for the people who taught us to feel shame, even for the people we feel we have harmed, and then feel more shame for feeling resentful. Then we shove it deep into our unconscious and wonder why we feel awful.

We sometimes feel shame for things that are not even of our doing, an accident, or illness, or reversal of fortune. Sometimes we feel ashamed for being a human, “one of them.” Poor little we.

How can I choose? What makes me strong? How am I aware?

We are not doomed to live lives of shame. We can dissolve it. First, I need to identify the feelings. For me, it can either a physical sensation of “bad” or it might be a running monologue of how despicable I am. Once I have noticed the feelings, I can direct positive, compassionate feelings toward myself. I can forgive myself for the shame-torture, and I can recognize the good I do. I can allow myself to experience redemption.

I make it a matter of habit to use my good Creative Questions many times a day, and that changes my unconscious mind. I relax and breathe nice deep breaths. I cannot feel shame and relaxed together.

I didn’t dissolve my shame by myself. I had a lot, very deep. And I had a lot of really fine, high quality help. I still find pockets of it, but now have all these wonderful tools to let it go.

And to use the phrase I got from a dear friend, I now have a locus of control that I trust. That makes a world of difference.

How have I changed from feeling shame-based to feeling free?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07172014

From Shame to Grace

From Shame to Grace

What about the whole idea of grace? What do you think about grace?

Me, I like it. Now, my version is kinda cobbled together, but I find it comfortable, and something I can’t quite put my finger on that feels really nice.

It boils down to this: I like to believe that the universe is not just benign, but benevolent, and that it gives freely to me what I’m asking for without me incurring universal debt. Plus, I add in the other definition of grace: elegance and poise, and the elegant part adds in streamlined, clean, and efficient in the best way.

When I remember to ask myself, “How do I feel when I am full of grace?” I feel really good. I feel clear, and competent. I feel like a most excellent version of me.

Why am I innocent? What makes me choose grace? How do I feel pure?

I have the idea that the opposite of grace is shame. One reason I think that is because, the same way we don’t to do anything to feel filled with grace, we don’t have to do anything to feel filled with shame.

Shame is interesting in that way. The feeling itself implies that we have done something bad, even if we haven’t. Shyness, discouragement, feeling inferior, holding dark secrets, embarrassment, self-consciousness; these are all things we might feel shameful about.

Sometimes, when we are forming our opinions about ourselves, an adult does something bad to us, and another adult turns away, dismissing the event, or minimizing our hurt, or even ignoring it altogether. What we get from that is that our stuff doesn’t count.

What it boils down to is that we feel defective, fatally flawed, damaged goods. When we feel guilty, the feeling is that we have done something wrong. Shame is the feeling that we are wrong. How heartbreaking is that. You know, the “What the hell’s the matter with you?” thing.

Why am I good enough? How do I know I am okay? What makes me perfect?

If I recognize that feeling in me, that I am garbage, I can change it. I can start to notice when others are shaming me, for whatever issues they have, poor things, and not let it in. At least as powerful, if not a lot more so, I can start noticing when I am shaming myself.

Noticing when I shame myself, stopping, apologizing to me, and changing the feeling with a good Creative Question can transform that experience instantly. When we have learned to be shameful, we think nothing of being cruel to ourselves, and then we are often treating others poorly, too.

As we shift this excessive shame out, we are treating ourselves with kindness, with respect, with love. The more we do that, the less we feel worthless, the easier it is to pass our time in grace.

Over and over, we find that we need to notice ourselves, notice what we are doing, with compassion and an open heart, and gently and kindly shift it from being horrible to ourselves to being kind. Add relaxing to that, and we are living our natural life, where being kind is natural, compassion flows, and we walk in grace.

How have I changed from foundering in shame to walking in grace?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 05072014

How do you experience grace?

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Becoming a Thought-Master

Becoming a Thought-Master

The being positive card came up again today. Fell out of the deck as I was shuffling. It’s a wonderful reminder for me, as positive as I am, cuz I go to funk, too. I had a couple hours of “I suck” yesterday.

I will say that I enjoy the occasional crabbi-ass from time to time. Usually for about twenty minutes, and then I get bored.

“I suck” or “life sucks” is different. I don’t enjoy that, but they are old habits from the dark ages, and I don’t know if I will ever be cut of them. Meanwhile, I get to practice changing my feelings as easily as changing my mind.

Here’s how I do it. You may find all of this works for you, or some of it, or none. But I give it to you with all my love.

Why am I okay?

For me, “I suck” is a feeling I notice most in my lower belly and solar plexus. It’s often an amalgam of shame about something, sometimes guilt, often a feeling of not measuring up to an unknown standard, and also often simply feeling not good enough.

What makes me good enough?

So a quick way to shift things for me is to get that physical space moving, so to speak. I will take a few minutes to do standing forward bends, some crunches or sit-ups, and imagine the feeling getting squished out.

How do I feel when I feel fine?

If the guilt component is present, I take a look at the situation without all the feelings on it, as best I can, and then I assess. Was the thing actually less terrible than my feelings make it? Mostly, that is true. Am I doing something to change the situation? Mostly, I am. Can I forgive myself for this behavior? I am usually willing to do that.

What makes me innocent?

The shame piece is different, since that’s about who I am, rather than what I’ve done, or not done. Shame is sticky and smells bad. It’s like soul-grime. My two best shaming questions are: What’s wrong with you? and What’s the matter with you?

Those are, in case you missed it, excellent examples of horrible creative questions. Let your subconscious mind start working on those and I guarantee you will feel like crap in almost no time at all. You can try it, if you want. Like going to a scary movie.

How do I know I am pure? What makes me feel clear? How do I know I am lovable?

Taking responsibility for how I feel, knowing that the outsides are something I myself choose to riff on, makes me free. I am in charge of how I feel, and I am in charge of changing it. It’s not a fluke, it’s not contingent on you doing something different. My feelings and thoughts are the place in my life where I really do have control.

How have I changed from being a victim to my thoughts and feelings to owning that I am the boss of me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11302013