From Shame to Freedom

From Shame to Freedom

Feeling like we are wrong is a rough place to be in. It eats up our confidence, it makes us second guess ourselves. I, for one, end up feeling kind of powerless when I feel wrong.

Why am I right? How am I powerful? What makes me confident?

There is a huge difference between feeling wrong and owning our mistakes.

When I own my mistakes, I am being responsible for my decisions, and I can make corrections as I need to. I know I am not my behavior, and taking responsibility for it lets me feel competent and grown up. I feel resilient because I can take a step away from what I did to see what I can do. Perhaps I can make amends, but sometimes it’s better not to. And I can do something helpful for others to help me balance my feelings. I can forgive the mistake, let it go, and move on. How liberating!

On the other hand, when I feel wrong, I often feel shame, and that is one nasty emo-toxin. We get the idea that we are bad. That we are worthless, not deserving of good things or people in our lives. We feel humiliated, and that leaves us feeling disconnected. When we feel disconnected from our own selves we feel lonely, that awful black hole in the middle of the chest feeling. And we hate ourselves for doing whatever it was.

As if that weren’t bad enough, shame is very sticky. We can feel shame for things we did as tiny children for decades after we have forgotten the perceived transgression. All that poison in our thoughts just for mistakes. We often have unconscious resentments for the people who taught us to feel shame, even for the people we feel we have harmed, and then feel more shame for feeling resentful. Then we shove it deep into our unconscious and wonder why we feel awful.

We sometimes feel shame for things that are not even of our doing, an accident, or illness, or reversal of fortune. Sometimes we feel ashamed for being a human, “one of them.” Poor little we.

How can I choose? What makes me strong? How am I aware?

We are not doomed to live lives of shame. We can dissolve it. First, I need to identify the feelings. For me, it can either a physical sensation of “bad” or it might be a running monologue of how despicable I am. Once I have noticed the feelings, I can direct positive, compassionate feelings toward myself. I can forgive myself for the shame-torture, and I can recognize the good I do. I can allow myself to experience redemption.

I make it a matter of habit to use my good Creative Questions many times a day, and that changes my unconscious mind. I relax and breathe nice deep breaths. I cannot feel shame and relaxed together.

I didn’t dissolve my shame by myself. I had a lot, very deep. And I had a lot of really fine, high quality help. I still find pockets of it, but now have all these wonderful tools to let it go.

And to use the phrase I got from a dear friend, I now have a locus of control that I trust. That makes a world of difference.

How have I changed from feeling shame-based to feeling free?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07172014