Wanted

Wanted

Back in the olden days I really wanted to be popular. I didn’t have a very clear notion of what that meant, just a vague idea about being included by the people that everyone seemed to notice. I had the idea that if I got invited to stuff, I wouldn’t feel alone. I thought that if I got invited to stuff, I wouldn’t feel like such a weirdo, or feel rejected.

Things shifted around, and I started getting invited to stuff; parties, bonfires, sleep-overs. I went, and somehow still felt like a rejected weirdo, and often spent my time off by myself, alone. It took me a long time to figure out that it was I causing my bad feelings and not you. You did your best to include me and I appreciate all the effort you put forth on my account, and I do apologize for not being a good guest.

I didn’t value me, so the idea that you might value me never entered my mind. I understood that you were somehow a part of how I would feel happy in the world, but I just couldn’t figure out how that would work. I figured if you said nice stuff to me, I would feel better. I figured if you included me, I would feel included. I figured if you liked me, I would stop feeling like a weirdo. It never works like that.  So I bent over backwards to get you to like me, even though you already did, and succeeded pretty much in just making you uncomfortable, and me feeling ashamed.

How do I feel wanted? Why am I welcome? What makes me feel valuable?

Oh, valuable. How do I feel valuable? Why am I a gift? What makes me own my worth?

Little by little I came to realize that you could say to me a million wonderful things about me. You could praise me to the skies, and bring me everywhere. I would feel an emo-high for a little while, and still I would go back to feeling rejected, and alone, and a weirdo. Amazing. Nothing you could do would make me value myself. The only way I was going to feel like a worthwhile person was to feel like a worthwhile person. I had to choose, I had to decide.

Bit by bit I started to recognize my value. I started to notice my contributions. I began to appreciate the care you gave me, to feel loved by you.

Inch by inch, I began to feel included when you included me. I notice that I felt wanted, I noticed that you showed me that you liked having me around, and I could let that in.

The more that happened, the more I could feel wanted, the deeper I could let it in. Amazingly, I also found that I felt included more often. And that even when I went home and was by myself, I still felt like I was a part of something, a community, a group, a family, even family with people I wasn’t related to.

Why do I belong? How am I a part of? What makes me feel connected?

Choosing to notice things I like about me, and then liking them, choosing to notice how you love me, and then feeling loved, choosing to notice my contributions and feeling like I belong; these are things I had to practice. Practice let me integrate the feelings. Feeling wanted is now normal. I assume that I will be included. I assume I am connected, I don’t feel lonely anymore because I feel wanted and loved by myself.

How have I changed from being rejected to feeling wanted?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07222014