Leaving the Sacrifice

Leaving the Sacrifice

Many years ago, I got to go on a pilgrimage to Tibet. I had some wonderful experiences, some very strange experiences, and some life-changing experiences, as I do on many of my trips. I also came away with a comment my teacher made to me that I have held onto, scrawled on my wall in black magic marker. He said, “Quit trying to be so f*cking holy.”

Why am I good enough?

Usually, when I think about this question, I am considering corollaries like smart enough, pretty enough, kind enough, generous enough, creative enough.  

This time, I found myself thinking about the whole self-sacrificing thing. There is not a lot of percentage in it.

When I was a kid, I had the half-formed idea that if I were good enough, the terrible things that were happening to me would stop.

I also had the half-formed idea that if I were good enough, I could rise above the awful feelings I had about the terrible things.

I also had the half-formed idea that if I stood by the side of the road and looked kind of pathetic, a kind stranger would come by and rescue me.

And that I could get a pony if I wished hard enough.

Self-sacrifice is not a wholesome lifestyle.

Why am I good enough? What makes me perfect in this moment? How do I know I am spiritual?

The curious feature about self-sacrifice is that no one really cares. Except the sacrificer, and we end up feeling like martyrs. Yikes.

When we start on this path, we find pretty quickly that we will never be able to do enough. We can’t be generous enough, we can’t be helpful enough, we can’t be humble enough. The nature of self-sacrifice is that we cannot ever sacrifice enough.

We learn to endure. We put up with stuff that would make a non-self-sacrificing person run screaming from the room. We have pain tolerances that rival any player in the NFL. There is nothing we can’t give up for you. Oy.

Self-sacrificers get out of the way so you can win, the race, the promotion, the partner. We think that by stepping up into this role, we can help you avoid feeling pain, and we know pain. We often get sick with headaches, and tummy stuff, always feel tired. We are emotionally depleted.

How do I know what I need? Why am I comfortable asking for me? How do I receive?

As we let go of these behaviors, we find that we have energy, we feel alive, we feel joy. We move closer to our natural life, with contentment, and physical well-being. We can choose to come in first just because winning is fun.

How have I changed from self-sacrifice to enjoying being myself?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07132014