From Shame to Grace

From Shame to Grace

What about the whole idea of grace? What do you think about grace?

Me, I like it. Now, my version is kinda cobbled together, but I find it comfortable, and something I can’t quite put my finger on that feels really nice.

It boils down to this: I like to believe that the universe is not just benign, but benevolent, and that it gives freely to me what I’m asking for without me incurring universal debt. Plus, I add in the other definition of grace: elegance and poise, and the elegant part adds in streamlined, clean, and efficient in the best way.

When I remember to ask myself, “How do I feel when I am full of grace?” I feel really good. I feel clear, and competent. I feel like a most excellent version of me.

Why am I innocent? What makes me choose grace? How do I feel pure?

I have the idea that the opposite of grace is shame. One reason I think that is because, the same way we don’t to do anything to feel filled with grace, we don’t have to do anything to feel filled with shame.

Shame is interesting in that way. The feeling itself implies that we have done something bad, even if we haven’t. Shyness, discouragement, feeling inferior, holding dark secrets, embarrassment, self-consciousness; these are all things we might feel shameful about.

Sometimes, when we are forming our opinions about ourselves, an adult does something bad to us, and another adult turns away, dismissing the event, or minimizing our hurt, or even ignoring it altogether. What we get from that is that our stuff doesn’t count.

What it boils down to is that we feel defective, fatally flawed, damaged goods. When we feel guilty, the feeling is that we have done something wrong. Shame is the feeling that we are wrong. How heartbreaking is that. You know, the “What the hell’s the matter with you?” thing.

Why am I good enough? How do I know I am okay? What makes me perfect?

If I recognize that feeling in me, that I am garbage, I can change it. I can start to notice when others are shaming me, for whatever issues they have, poor things, and not let it in. At least as powerful, if not a lot more so, I can start noticing when I am shaming myself.

Noticing when I shame myself, stopping, apologizing to me, and changing the feeling with a good Creative Question can transform that experience instantly. When we have learned to be shameful, we think nothing of being cruel to ourselves, and then we are often treating others poorly, too.

As we shift this excessive shame out, we are treating ourselves with kindness, with respect, with love. The more we do that, the less we feel worthless, the easier it is to pass our time in grace.

Over and over, we find that we need to notice ourselves, notice what we are doing, with compassion and an open heart, and gently and kindly shift it from being horrible to ourselves to being kind. Add relaxing to that, and we are living our natural life, where being kind is natural, compassion flows, and we walk in grace.

How have I changed from foundering in shame to walking in grace?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 05072014

How do you experience grace?

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