Doing Your Dirty Work

Doing Your Dirty Work

When we look at ourselves with loving and open eyes, we can see a lot. We can see our strengths and talents, we can see and value our accomplishments, we can see, with a gentle heart, places where we could use a little work.

When we look at ourselves with kindness and confidence, we can move mountains, we can carry the sky, we can eat an elephant, we can make weird metaphors.

When we look at ourselves with compassion and trust, we can shed the things that we do to make our lives harder, and nurture the things that make it just so easy.

Why am I strong? Why am I competent? Why am I capable? Why can I trust?

When I look at myself through those eyes, I can also see you through those eyes. I can nurture your strengths, and create a safe place for you to address your other stuff. I can listen with ears to hear you, rather than listening to make my clever answer. I can find the right words to help you let go of old crap.

Why am I an inspiration? How do I encourage confidence? What makes me a leader?

We have choices all the time. We can choose to inspire confidence, we can choose to dispirit with fear and shame. We can choose to create a safe space for emotional growth, we can choose to make a dark and scary place. We can choose to do this for ourselves or for others.

We’ve got the power!

Will I use my power for good or ill?

Recently, I have had several thing happen where I felt really bad, you know, like other people’s words had stabbed me in the heart, or kicked me in the gut. It took me a while to stop gasping at the injustice done me to notice that I was doing major victim response. I had totally bought into the pain those words were meant to cause, and was beating myself up with them. I had internalized those others’ anger at me, and was doing their dirty work.

I am going to lay an awful truth on you. I think you are strong enough to take it.

Every time I feel emotionally beat up, the person who is doing the beating is me. Same goes for you, same goes for all of us.

At some point in our lives, most of us enter into this hideous covenant with “others” that we will feel shame if they want us to, feel beat up when they say abusive stuff, feel anger when they flip our triggers, and so on. We agree to make ourselves feel awful in exchange for them saying rotten stuff to us, or doing rotten stuff.

You can’t make me feel bad, only I can make me feel bad.

When I decide that I am strong, and capable, competent, and trusting, you will not make me feel bad. You can say wretched things to me, I will hear you, but I will choose to feel strong and capable and competent, and trust myself. I will unchoose abusing myself as your proxy.

Hmm, there’s a bit of a feeling of manifesto there.

How have I changed from abusing myself on your behalf to being my own inspirational leader?

(c) Pam Guthrie

If you have entered into this covenant with someone, please re-read this, or maybe even print it out and put it somewhere you can remind yourself.

How do you feel when you are powerful?

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